If you have a narcissistic parent, it’s almost guaranteed you will either have a codependent parent or another narcissistic or mentally ill parent. When you have a narcissistic parent they’re very incapable of having relations with healthy people because healthy people stay away from them. Narcissistic people either marry and have children with someone that will enable them or is equally on the same playing field. So if you are a child of this, then it is a double whammy. You equally have two parents that are emotionally wounded.
So when you have a narcissistic parent, they always have to have some type of supply. This supply will either be their partner which is usually your other parent or it will be one of you guys, you, or one of your siblings. And so one of you will be taking the brunt of the abuse and because of this it completely changes the dynamic of the family. You’re not able to have a normal healthy relationship with your parent or your siblings because your narcissistic parent has completely changed the dynamic by manipulating all of you.
So the narcissist spends time dividing you guys so that way it’s much easier to manipulate and control you all. If you guys all come together, it will be a bunch of you versus one and they don’t want that to happen, they want them to feel like they have a team on their side and they can gang up on whoever they want to at that time. And also thinking from the narcissist’s perspective, if you are manipulating everyone in the family then you can never be in the wrong because you’re always the victim and somehow something’s happening to you and you have people to back you up. It fills their ego that way.
Because of this change in dynamic, you guys are all trying to survive abuse and you’re not able to form a healthy relationship like you would if you had a more normal healthy parent. So let’s talk about how the codependent parent will behave in this type of relationship.
The one major thing that you may notice is that your codependent parent will make a lot of excuses for your narcissistic parent. So they may say things like “Oh they are just trying to do their best.” Or “Maybe they’re they’re having a bad day” They will constantly make excuses for their bad behavior rather than calling it out or confronting the narcissist. They may prefer to take a step back as well as the fact that they’re being gaslit themselves. The narcissistic parent is feeding them these things and they’re stripping away the codependent’s sense of self and their ability to think for themselves so they believe the narrative the narcissist portraying.
So because of this, if you are the target at the time, you may notice the codependent parent is turning on you with the narcissist. They may victimize the narcissist even if the narcissist is in the wrong and make you the problem, especially if you’re the scapegoat. So you may feel like you’re being ganged up on but if the codependent parent is the target at the time of the narcissist abuse, the narcissistic parent will come to you and spread lies and say terrible things to you about your codependent parent.
Your narcissistic parent is getting supply by trying to turn you against your codependent parent. Another thing you may notice is that because your codependent parent is trying to protect themselves from the abuse, they may put your narcissistic parent before you. They need that validation and approval from their narcissistic partner and in order to do that your narcissistic parent comes before you.
There is something we have to understand. Because they also are in an abusive situation, they too get stuck in that cycle of abuse of being devalued, love bombed, discarded. So because they get stuck in that cycle, they’re in that survival mode and trying to protect themselves from the abuse.
So there may be times when your narcissistic parent comes in yelling at you and creating a horrible dynamic between you or your siblings and you may notice that you’re codependent parent may withdraw. They may not say anything, they’re not protecting you like you would hope that they would or you may notice maybe they’ll say something but will immediately back away the narcissistic parent starts coming at them.
Or they also may join in with your narcissistic parent and belittle, berate you, make it a horrible experience because your narcissistic parent has created that dynamic where your codependent parent believes all these lies. The codependent parent believes they have to protect the narcissist cause the narcissist made themselves a victim.
If you are the scapegoat then you are seen as the problem and so then they think that they’re doing something good and they’re also getting on to narcissus good side as well get some brownie points. They’re trying to protect themselves from the abuse and would prefer you to get it rather than them. Which is horrible to hear because that’s your parent, they are supposed to protect you so you may notice that if you’re not on good terms with your narcissistic parent then the codependent parent also will not be on good terms with you. Or let’s say if you need something it’s also your narcissistic parent means something they’re more likely to give your narcissistic parent their needs before yours.
Another thing is you may notice that your codependent parent enables your narcissistic parent so when your narcissistic parent is throwing one of their tantrums, the codependent parent will enable them to make sure they’re okay. They will react to what’s going on, will cater to them, and victimize them. Maybe there’s a situation going on and the narcissist is completely in the wrong, the codependent parent will not call them but rather will say it is not the narcissist’s fault.
The last thing is that the codependent parent you’ll notice that they have really no individuality. So they may not have a lot of hobbies a lot of interest, not have a lot of friends, they don’t really do a lot of things outside of doing things that the narcissistic parent wants to do. So they may go out with the narcissist’s friends or they may go on vacation because the narcissist likes going on vacation and they do a lot of things that the narcissist wants rather than really having a life of their own or doing anything they want. This is because they had their individuality stripped away. They’ve been gaslit and manipulated and controlled into being exactly how the narcissist wants them to be otherwise they get punished if they’re not.
One major thing the narcissistic parent will do is use triangulation. So for instance, if they’re mad at you they will not talk to you, they would talk to your codependent parent and act as if you don’t exist. Like they’ll say hey Jimmy can you tell Sarah to pass the salt so instead of going directly going to you, they will go to someone else. This makes you feel devalued as a human and it’s a passive-aggressive way to let you know that they’re not happy with you. They will also do that same thing but do it to the codependent parent. So if they’re mad at the codependent parent, they might talk to you instead of directly going to them.
Another thing is like I had previously said they make up lies about you and tell your codependent parent which causes a terrible dynamic between you and your codependent parent. Or they will even try to manipulate this type of story to make your codependent parent team up against you. They will create this narrative in their mind about you. And also vice versa.
The whole goal is to turn you all against each other and so that’s what they have more power and control. They makeup lies and manipulate all of you to believe this certain narrative is going on because they live in this delusional world where they try to make you all fit this narrative just to protect their ego.
Because like I said before they will take turns of who they target, who is the supply at the time, who will give that negative reaction, who behaves the best, who’s easily manipulatable. It can switch at any time. They are really trying to pick who they can get the most supply from at that time.
First thing is that you are going to feel immense hurt. It sucks having two parents that are not mentally capable of being loving nurturing parents. It could turn into anger towards your codependent for not sticking up for you or anger towards your narcissistic parent for being unhealthy. You also will feel deep pain from not only both your parents ganging up on you but also times when you are the butt of the joke. It hurts your self-esteem and your self-worth.
Other ways it can affect you is:
So just understand this dynamic was not normal but you are not alone.
What do you guys think? Leave it all in the comments below!
