Arguments…we all have them. We can’t avoid them. Arguments can be a healthy part of your relationships and daily conversations as long as they aren’t violent or destructive. People are not going to agree 100% of the time and heated conversations are going to happen. Arguing shows that you care about something and are willing to fight for it. One of the reasons people do not like to get into heated discussions is because a lot of times it turns into insults and the actual topic that started the disagreement isn’t discussed. It’s not something that should be avoided all the time.
When we know how to have arguments in a constructive helpful way they are not so scary and can be beneficial in our daily lives. So is it even possible to argue in a positive way? Yes! Here’s some beneficial ways to help in light of arguing:
Listening is something we all crave but is not something we always do. How often have you heard someone say ” you aren’t listening!” We always just want to prove our point and we are always so worried about being heard we forget to listen. You’ll have your turn! Don’t be so quick to interrupt. We need to take a step back and stop thinking of the next thing to say and just listen. Take in what the other person is saying and consider it. Calm your emotions for those of us (me) with anger issues.
An exercise that helps is “what I heard you say…” Things tend to get lost in translation and we may hear something different than what the person is actually saying. When you say what I heard you say, it helps clarify what you heard. It could either give them validation or know you misunderstood. What you heard may not be correct. Maybe you interpreted it incorrectly. In turn, this helps us to become better listeners. The person will then feel heard. It also gives the person time to correct what they actually may be feeling.
It can get frustrating when you feel like you can’t get your point across. Maybe you feel misunderstood or unheard. That’s when insults get thrown the most. Insults don’t help any conversation let alone the argument at hand. Try not to throw insults and keep your voice at a non-threatening level. Try to respectively share your point of view. If one starts insulting that’s when you need to re-evaluate the conversation. If someone else is just throwing insults or it’s becoming violent, and genuine conversation is no longer happening, it’s best you walk away.
If you feel you or the person you are arguing with is getting too angry and the conversation is counter-productive, take a break. Put a pause on the conversation and go in separate areas. This especially applies if name calling, throwing digs at each other, violence or if one starts deflecting the argument starts to happen. Taking a break is a good time to get your thoughts together and self-reflect.
I know when we as people get in heated arguments, emotions get in the way. You could be arguing about trump with your partner and then all of a sudden before you know it, it turns for the worst and you’re screaming that you hate your in-laws. Hey, I didn’t make the rules of arguing, it just happens. If you smiled reading that, you know you can relate! If you are arguing about one thing stay on the topic of the conversation. You can talk about those other topics after this one gets discussed. Otherwise, you’ll have all these unfinished arguments that will continue to come up again and again.
If something happened in the past and it’s already been talked about and forgiven, it’s pointless to bring it up again. That’s what feeds into the counter-productive arguing. If you forgive something, actually forgive it and move on. When has ever bringing something up from the past, that was supposed to be resolved, worked in your favor? I’m going to take a guess and say almost never. If something from the past hasn’t been resolved, that’s another topic that needs to be discussed at a later time. One topic at a time!
Take yourself out of your shoes and try to see where they’re coming from. Why might they feel that way? I think this one is one of the most important tips. We get so stuck in things going our way or we think our perspective is the only perspective. we don’t consider that someone else is feeling differently. It feels less threatening to the other person when we take a step back and look at it through their eyes. Their perspective is their reality. It doesn’t mean it’s not true, it’s the way they see things..whether true or false.
This really helps when you are trying to convince someone of your point of view. If you take a part of the thing they’re arguing about and say something in their favor, they will be more likely to agree with you too. It’s also a kind of way to compromise. Let’s say you are arguing about if cats or dogs are better. They like cats, you like dogs. If you say I could see you like cats because they are great hunters. They will feel immediately less threatened and possibly point out why they like dogs. People are always way more likely to see your point of view when you agree with something they’re saying.
When we use words like “you” and “why” it feels threatening and like an attack on our character. ” you don’t know what you’re talking about.” Immediate defenses coming up after hearing that. ” why would you put this here?” That makes us feel like we need to defend something we did. Try to replace “you” with “I.” ” l feel hurt and not heard when you say things like that.” That still is letting them know they did something but it’s letting them know your feelings so they can empathize. They will be more likely to want to empathize than feel attacked. ” can you please not put this here” asking why someone did something isn’t always necessary. Don’t tell them how they feel. Tell them how you feel. Sometimes it’s enough to just let them know you want something done differently. “Why” questions their character.
Be calm in arguing;for fierceness makes error a fault, and truth discourtsey.-George Herbert
Arguing can be rough. Please be kind when arguing with one another. I see it gets violent and so intense so often. Especially on the internet. We all are so into our way of thinking and wanting to convince other people our way is the right way. We forget the person on the opposite side is feeling the same way. We need to come together and learn how to communicate in a healthy way. I hope these tips help!
Leave comments below of your tips for healthy arguing!
*Although I have studied and experienced these things myself I am no way a professional or have my social work license. All opinions in my posts are my own and you should go to your nearest therapist for a professional opinion and proper diagnosis. Do not use anything in these posts to diagnose yourself and others. Use anything at your own risk.
