Do you ever feel like the decisions you make don’t align with what you truly want? Or perhaps you’ve gone down a path where you no longer recognize yourself. Maybe you want to get somewhere in life, but there’s a constant sense of frustration as if something is blocking your way—and you can’t quite understand why. These feelings are signs of identity loss, a common experience for those who grew up with narcissistic or abusive parents.
Identity loss happens when you are conditioned to suppress your true self in response to your environment. This is particularly common among individuals raised by narcissistic or mentally ill parents. Your personality, your desires, and your sense of self get tangled up in the trauma and emotional abuse that you endured. While identity loss can happen in abusive relationships of all kinds, today we’re focusing on how narcissistic parents can condition you to stay stuck in a cycle of trauma.
When a child grows up with a narcissistic or abusive parent, their brain develops differently from someone who grows up in a nurturing environment. In healthy homes, children’s needs are met. They are made to feel safe, secure, and loved. These conditions foster a healthy development of both the logical and emotional parts of their brain, allowing these systems to function in harmony.
However, if you grow up in an environment of chaos and constant trauma, your brain is in survival mode. This means that your brain relies primarily on the emotional, fight-or-flight part of your brain known as the limbic system.
As a child in this kind of environment, you develop a hyperawareness of your surroundings to protect yourself. You may start reading subtle cues from your parents’ behavior—such as recognizing that a certain tone of voice or the way your mother stomps her feet signals impending danger. This conditioning teaches you to react emotionally rather than logically, weakening your ability to assess what is a real threat versus what is not.
In this state of constant emotional vigilance, normal activities that other children might find enjoyable—like socializing or trying new things—become terrifying. You become conditioned to avoid risks, to over-plan, and to seek certainty because anything uncertain feels dangerous.
Over time, this conditioning leads to several emotional and behavioral patterns:
Even as an adult, you may find yourself emotionally stuck, unable to move forward, even if you logically understand your issues. You might seek therapy, coaching, or watch helpful videos, but the ingrained trauma makes emotional progress difficult.
One of the key ways narcissistic parents keep their children stuck in trauma is through infantilization. This tactic involves treating their child as younger and more helpless than they actually are, denying them the opportunity to mature and develop autonomy.
For example, even as a teenager or young adult, the narcissistic parent might still cook for you, do your homework, or prevent you from getting a job, reinforcing the idea that you’re incapable of handling things on your own. They may control who you socialize with, what you talk about, or what kind of activities you engage in, under the guise of “protecting” you. This keeps you dependent on them, which feeds their need for control and attention.
On the flip side, some narcissistic parents go to the other extreme, engaging in parentification. In this dynamic, the parent assigns adult responsibilities to the child. You may have been forced to take care of your siblings, the household, or even your parent’s emotional needs. Instead of allowing you to be a child, they push you into adult roles prematurely.
This extreme control can leave you feeling lost and disconnected from your true identity. You’ve been conditioned to be someone you’re not, either through infantilization or parentification, and as a result, you lose touch with who you really are.
Healing from identity loss starts with recognizing that the person you’ve become is a result of trauma and conditioning—not the real, authentic you. It involves:
Most importantly, healing from identity loss means reconnecting with the true you—the person who was there all along but was buried under layers of fear, control, and trauma.
If this resonates with you and you want to explore more on how to heal from the wounds of childhood, subscribe to my blog for more insights. And if you’re seeking personalized support, feel free to check out my coaching services below.
