When we first learn about narcissism, we will recognize a lot of these traits in many people around us. When we see this our minds will be blown and we will start to question, is everyone a narcissist? To answer your question, no not everyone is a narcissist because then no one would be a narcissist and it would actually be the norm.
So then you may ask, how do you know if someone is a narcissist or not? Let’s talk.
So something you have to understand about narcissistic traits is we all have them. You, your baby cousin, your auntie, your favorite person in the world, all have them. Having narcissistic traits in itself is not bad. We all have had moments of being controlling, manipulative, arrogant, and selfish. It’s not about having those individual traits but rather the intensity of the traits or how often a person expresses them.
There is such a thing called healthy narcissism and that is basically a healthy view of yourself. It is that self-love, being able to consider yourself and be able to take care of yourself before you bring anyone else into it.
Now, where it gets unhealthy is when it goes on the other end of the spectrum. Narcissism runs on a spectrum where there is narcissistic personality disorder and then there’s the in-between of people that have narcissistic traits. The people in between have some narcissistic traits and the closer to the end of the spectrum, the worse it is. Someone who is healthy has only a few narcissistic traits. Someone whos unhealthy has a bunch of narcissistic traits where they come out often.
Narcissism is when there is a bunch of traits added up like they are a shell of a person, cant self reflect, look for reactions from people, use people as tools and supply, and you feel like you are dealing with a child. When I talk to my clients about narcissism I always tell them they are dealing with a person that has narcissistic tendencies, one because I am not a psychologist and cant diagnose people, and two because it does not matter if they have the disorder or not. It is important to just understand these tendencies. People can become very obsessed with trying to diagnose everyone, it can become overwhelming and also incorrect. So instead of trying to diagnose, you want to keep one thing in mind. If someone you come across or someone in your life can not self-reflect which is the biggest narcissistic trait then that’s someone you know is probably higher up on the narcissism scale and that you want to stay away from.
Two things you want to look for when you have anyone in your life and that is if they have the ability to grow as a person and if they have the ability to self-reflect. To be able to take accountability. When someone has the ability to self-reflect then you can work with them. For instance, if you have someone in your life that is manipulative, that does not mean automatically they are narcissistic. A lot of the time people are manipulative because that’s how they were raised and learned how to survive. They unintentionally are manipulative and don’t even realize that they are. If they have the ability to self-reflect then they can be made aware of this and grow and change.
It does not mean automatically they are a narcissist and to stay away. It could mean that no one has brought it to their attention and it is something they do every once in a while. But there is room for them to grow and change. Now don’t get it twisted, I am not saying that you’re supposed to stick around and try to fix this person and their problems. Absolutely not, that is not your responsibility.
Your responsibility is to call them out, set boundaries, and then see how they respond to it. If they respond by acknowledging it and trying to be better then you know they’re healthy. If they respond with abuse like deflecting, turning it around, and making you feel like you’re crazy it’s a wrap. That person gets the boot out of your life.
The biggest thing that differentiates everyone else from a narcissist is the ability to acknowledge their wrongdoings. This is because a healthy person wants an actual deep connection. They’re not a shell of a person and they want to actually change. Healthy people do not pretend and say “oh I’m going to change” but then do nothing. No, they actually make moves and they change based on their actions and it’s a continuous thing. They can actually look at themselves and not deflect and not turn it around on you. They view their problems and where they need to grow.
So let’s say you come across someone that is kind of a little bit controlling or maybe they have an ego problem and they can get really defensive. You then need to sit and think to yourself :
Okay does this person align with my values?
Are they someone where when I tell them they’re wrong, when they kind of calm down from their anger, they can kind of realize where they’re wrong?
When and if they’re able to self-reflect, do they acknowledge and hear what I’m saying?
Do they respect me?
Do they treat me with love?
If you decide yes and you decide this person is worth working with then you can decide that. Because here is the thing, every single person that comes into your life is going to have flaws, they’re going to have unhealthy things, they’re going to have childhood wounds that need to be dealt with. The beauty is you get to be the one that decides what you are okay with and what you don’t agree with or feel is too much or that doesn’t align with you. Maybe you don’t want to spend time on this person and that is okay, you’re allowed to do that. You can also decide that this person in your life may have some flaws but you see they care, try to do better, and are getting help.
So let’s talk about why this question comes across people’s minds after they’ve been with a narcissist. Well, one of course it’s fear, you went through something very traumatic. You probably have PTSD now because you weren’t expecting this terrible thing to happen. They were very charming and nice in the beginning and then all of a sudden it went downhill. They started treating you like garbage and caused you to completely question your reality and you didn’t trust yourself, so of course, you’re going to be scared now. Before what you thought were white flags, you realize now are red flags. Now that can cause fear. You become terrified if someone is being nice, you start to question if they are actually nice or if they are looking for something.
You also may attribute certain qualities that are not actually narcissistic to narcissism. Like if your narcissistic ex was shy you may now see all shy people as people to stay away from or that they’re potentially narcissistic. So you may misinterpret certain traits as being narcissistic because everything now feels like a red flag after dealing with a narcissist. You are so traumatized and fear is a huge reason why you’ll be on the lookout.
Everything feels dangerous at this point so you want to label people to protect yourself. When you can label people then you can stay away from them but you can mislabel people because you are in such a fearful state.
This all comes down to you not trusting yourself. You have been trained while being with the narcissist to not trust yourself and to always doubt yourself. Not trusting yourself was the one thing you did wrong. When you first started dating the narcissist, you ignored those red flags or you misinterpreted them as green flags so now you fear trusting yourself. You think about how you were in that situation before and how it can happen again. But you don’t trust that you have the knowledge now and that you’ll be able to point out these people.
Now it’s come to that you do not trust yourself, anyone and you don’t trust your intuition about someone’s intentions or if they are healthy.
Another reason you may ask this question is because you have not fully healed. You may think that everyone sucks. Men ain’t shit or women are gold diggers. You have the forever alone mentality and that you will never dip your toes in dating again. This is all because you have not fully healed and you are still hurting. You are still in a traumatic state.
You’ll know that you’re fully healed when you realize that there are good people out there. As we talked about if everyone is a narcissist then no one is a narcissist. There are good people just like you and you’re not a narcissist so there’s got to be other people that are not narcissists too. I’m sure if you really sat with yourself and thought it through, you probably could list off a couple of narcissistic traits you have. Maybe you’re a little controlling, maybe sometimes you deflect, maybe sometimes you’re not listening, sometimes you do manipulative things. We all do those things but it doesn’t always mean that you or others are on the other end of the spectrum where it’s abusive.
When you see these traits in yourself, you can ask yourself:
Am I someone who’s a shell of a person where I have a hard time connecting with others?
Do I intentionally try to hurt people?
Do I live off of ego?
Can I not look at myself and see where I’m in the wrong?
The answers to those questions are probably no. You have the gift of being aware. That’s what makes a person not narcissistic and also that they don’t try to abuse people and that comes with healing. You’ll really know you started to heal when you really trust in yourself and you know what makes you feel comfortable. You know what you value and you are able to really point out when something doesn’t feel right. When you don’t feel right around a certain person, you’ll be able to really feel comfortable with yourself to let them go. But you’ll also be able to see that there are good people out there. There are good men, there are good women but it’s okay if you’re not there yet!
Right now you are in that healing process where you’re questioning everything. Maybe you are educating yourself and things look very scary right now because of all the information and you are questioning the people in your life right now and even yourself. Being around new people can feel dangerous! But a good key thing to do if you’re really unsure is when you meet someone new is to set a boundary or tell them they did something wrong or call them out to see how they respond to it. If they are able to acknowledge you or show they are listening or show they care, then you know that that is a good person to surround yourself around. Even if maybe at first maybe they get a little defensive and then, later on, they come to their senses, that’s still okay! Being told we’re wrong is not always the easiest, I’ll be the first one to admit where it takes me a little bit of time to kind of be able to be like you know what I was wrong, I’m sorry but that’s the only real way that we can learn and change is by being called out.
Otherwise, we’ll just be enabled. Someone who’s healthy wants to be called out and they want to grow and be a better person. That’s how you really know someone’s really respecting your boundaries especially when you call them out that’s the person you want to surround yourself with. Someone who matches up to your values, someone who acknowledges you, someone who does not make you question, your reality those are all things that are non-narcissistic. Someone who does not make you feel terrible after being around them, someone where you don’t feel like it’s a constant high and low roller coaster, that’s how you know you’re around a healthy person.
Now if they cannot self-reflect when you call them out or when you tell them there’s something they did wrong, they don’t acknowledge it and they completely invalidate you, turn it around and make you feel like you’re crazy, don’t look at themselves at all or take the victim role, that’s how you know that you’re dealing with someone that is more narcissistic. Or if they make it seem like they acknowledge it and then they just go back to their ways, all of that shows a lot of narcissism.
So don’t be afraid to set those boundaries, don’t be afraid to say no, don’t be afraid to call people out and say hey listen like it really hurt my feelings when this happened, or hey listen like this really bothered me when this or I feel this. That is what truly will weed out the narcissist. Also, tell them what you expect from them like I want you to call me earlier, I need you to not call me stupid, I want you to respect me when I say no.
Then see how they respond, that’s how you will get your answer. And doing this will also help you to instill that trust in yourself because you’re listening to yourself of being like oh they kind of responded a little bit weird or hey you know they really acknowledge me I feel like this person I can trust them a little bit more. You only really know by putting yourself out there and experimenting.
What do you guys think? Leave it all in the comments below!
