Narcissism is a complex and tricky topic. The internet is filled with textbook descriptions of narcissists, but covert narcissism often deviates from these standard portrayals. This discrepancy can lead to confusion when trying to identify narcissistic behavior in your partner, parent, sibling, or boss. Narcissism exists on a spectrum, and narcissists employ various manipulative tactics to control others and use them as sources of supply. Understanding these covert tactics is crucial for recognizing and protecting yourself from narcissistic manipulation.
One covert tactic used by narcissists is selective empathy. While the common belief is that narcissists lack empathy entirely, this isn’t always the case. A narcissist might display empathy in certain situations, particularly those that don’t directly involve or affect them. For instance, they may show empathy towards animals, babies, or people experiencing loss or hardship. However, when it comes to situations where they are directly involved, their empathy vanishes.
Imagine you confront a narcissist about their hurtful behavior. Instead of empathizing, they become defensive, unable to take accountability or acknowledge their faults. This selective empathy creates confusion, as it gives the illusion that they are capable of genuine empathy, leading you to hope for a better relationship or change in their behavior. Unfortunately, this selective empathy is just another manipulative tactic to maintain control and avoid accountability.
Another covert tactic is the narcissist’s ability to recognize and point out the bad behavior of others. They can eloquently criticize others for their wrongdoings, giving the impression that they understand and uphold moral standards. This can lead you to believe that they are capable of self-reflection and change. However, narcissists lack the ability to apply this understanding to themselves.
They may criticize others for manipulation or mistreatment but fail to recognize their own manipulative and abusive behavior. This double standard reinforces their grandiose self-image while deflecting any blame or responsibility. As a healthy-minded person, you might expect them to change based on their apparent understanding of right and wrong, but this expectation is misplaced. Narcissists are incapable of genuine self-reflection and change.
The third covert tactic is what I call the “normal switch,” which can be seen as a form of subtle love bombing. While extreme love bombing involves overwhelming affection and grand gestures, the normal switch is when a narcissist temporarily behaves in a seemingly normal and kind manner. During these moments, they might laugh at your jokes, engage in pleasant conversation, and avoid conflict.
These fleeting moments of normalcy can fill the emotional void created by their abusive behavior, giving you hope for a better relationship. You might start to believe that if you behave a certain way or do something differently, you can maintain this normalcy. However, this is just another manipulation tactic. The true nature of a narcissist is revealed in their consistent patterns of gaslighting, devaluation, and emotional abuse. The normal switch is merely a tool to keep you emotionally invested and hopeful.
To protect yourself from these covert manipulative tactics, it’s essential to recognize them for what they are. When a narcissist displays selective empathy, points out others’ bad behavior, or switches to a seemingly normal demeanor, remind yourself that these behaviors are masks. They do not indicate genuine change or the potential for a healthier relationship.
Understanding that narcissists are inherently inconsistent and incapable of genuine self-improvement is crucial. They lack the emotional regulation and desire to change. Their actions are driven solely by their need to maintain control and benefit themselves. Recognizing these tactics and maintaining a clear perspective can help you avoid being manipulated and protect your emotional well-being.
It’s heartbreaking to accept that someone you care about, whether a partner, parent, or long-term friend, may never change. However, acknowledging this reality is the first step towards healing and protecting yourself from further harm. Stay informed, stay aware, and prioritize your mental and emotional health above all else.
