If you’re dealing with a narcissist, there’s a high likelihood they’ll use the silent treatment as a manipulation tool. This passive-aggressive tactic can stretch out for hours, days, or even weeks, and it’s their way of punishing you when they feel displeased. Maybe you challenged them, said something they didn’t like, or, sometimes, it’s because they’ve created a story in their mind about something you did. The silent treatment is their way of making you feel their wrath without having to confront you directly.
The silent treatment can trigger deep-seated emotional wounds, especially if you experienced similar treatment in childhood. If a parent or caregiver used silence to punish you, it likely made your limbic system (your brain’s emotional and survival center) go into overdrive. As a child, your survival depended on your bond with your caregivers, and feeling ignored or isolated from them may have felt like a genuine threat. This unresolved trauma can cause you to experience the same helpless, panicked state when a partner or loved one uses the silent treatment against you.
This response often causes people to react with behaviors they once used to cope as a child—begging, pleading, apologizing for things they didn’t do, or trying desperately to make things “okay” again. When you’re emotionally bonded to someone, especially a narcissist, the silent treatment can make you feel like a child all over again, desperate to regain that connection.
For narcissists, the silent treatment isn’t just a reaction; it’s a tactic. They get a sense of control, an ego boost, and a feeling of superiority from watching you scramble for their attention. It feeds their sense of power and reinforces their belief that they’re above you. The narcissist thrives on making you feel the shame, guilt, and desperation they may harbor internally. By controlling your emotions through silence, they reinforce their need to feel significant and in charge.
When facing the silent treatment, remember that it’s out of your control. No amount of apologizing, reasoning, or pleading will change their behavior because, to them, this manipulation isn’t about resolution—it’s about power. Here’s how you can regain control over your own emotions and reduce the narcissist’s impact on you:
When dealing with someone who uses silent treatment as a tactic, it’s essential to understand that their goal often revolves around gaining an ego boost. They will stop the silent treatment only when they decide it no longer serves them, leaving you with no control over the timing or duration. Apologizing or begging won’t make a difference—it’s as uncontrollable as trying to soothe a child who’s upset at being told “no.” So, rather than focusing on stopping the silent treatment, turn your attention inward and regain your own control over how it affects you.
To break free from the distress caused by this behavior, start by comforting your inner child, especially if this pattern triggers old trauma or memories of helplessness. Remind yourself that you’re no longer a vulnerable child who depends on this person’s approval to feel okay. Acknowledge that you don’t need their validation to feel worthy. The more you reinforce this within yourself, the more you’ll weaken the subconscious belief that your self-worth depends on external validation—a belief that they may rely on to maintain power over you.
In moments when the silent treatment begins, observe rather than absorb. This is their behavior, their choice, and it doesn’t define your value. Calm your own nervous system by taking a deep breath and reasoning with yourself: “This isn’t about me; it’s about their need for control.” This mindset helps you detach from their power games, limiting the emotional hold they have over you. Show no reaction—no begging or pleading—since they expect that response and, in some way, thrive on it. Instead, respond with unexpected indifference. A simple acknowledgment, like “It’s okay if you don’t want to talk,” followed by calmly continuing your day, can shift the dynamics, as they see that their tactic is no longer effective.
Redirect the focus away from their needs and back onto your own well-being. Consider what makes you feel whole and grounded—whether it’s reconnecting with old hobbies, going for a walk, or engaging in creative activities. Filling your own “love jar” reduces the urge to seek their acknowledgment or approval, breaking any dependency that may have formed. In time, you’ll find yourself less affected by their silence, as your happiness becomes rooted in your self-care rather than in seeking approval from a source that cannot offer it authentically.
