How To Stop Being Scapegoated

If you grew up in this environment, you might know that children often fall into specific roles: the golden child, the lost child, and, unfortunately, the scapegoat. The scapegoat role can be especially challenging as it bears the brunt of family blame, manipulation, and unresolved emotional baggage from the narcissistic parent.

How a Child Becomes the Scapegoat

In a family with a narcissistic parent, the scapegoat child is frequently labeled as the “problem child.” They’re seen as the source of anything that goes wrong, bearing the brunt of the parent’s rage, manipulation, gaslighting, emotional, and sometimes even physical abuse. But why does this role even exist? For the narcissistic parent, it’s all about projection. Since they cannot self-reflect or take responsibility, they need someone to blame for the family’s or their own struggles.

Why the Scapegoat?

The scapegoat role doesn’t happen by accident—it’s often assigned to the child who questions, challenges, or in some way disrupts the narcissist’s need for control. Here are some common traits that might lead a child to be chosen as the scapegoat:

• Outspoken: They are harder to control and may question the family narrative.
• Inquisitive: Curiosity in a narcissistic household can be seen as defiance.
• Sensitive and Empathetic: These qualities may either trigger the narcissist’s jealousy or clash with their own lack of empathy.
• Non-conforming: If a child doesn’t fit the parent’s ideal image, they may be punished for simply being themselves.

Signs You Were the Scapegoat Child

Wondering if you were the scapegoat in your family? Here are some tell-tale signs:

1. Constant Blame
   In a narcissistic household, everything that goes wrong somehow becomes your fault. Did your parent have a bad day? It’s because of you. Did someone get upset? You’re the reason. Being blamed for nearly every setback or inconvenience creates a self-perception of unworthiness and failure, which can impact you well into adulthood.
2. Isolation from Family Support
   Often, other family members—whether siblings or even another parent—might join in on the scapegoating. They may mock you or even turn a blind eye to the abuse. This can make you question your own worth, as it feels like everyone around you agrees that you’re the problem.
3. Taking on the Role of Fixer
   Many scapegoat children end up being the “fixers” in the family, trying to soothe tensions or stop fights. This role is not only exhausting but also shifts your focus to trying to “earn” love through problem-solving, rather than simply being appreciated for who you are.
4. Awareness of Family Dysfunction
   Scapegoat children are often very intuitive. They can sense something is off in the family, noticing discrepancies between what is said and done. This can make them a threat to the narcissistic parent’s need to keep up appearances, leading to even more scapegoating.
5. Negative Reputation Outside the Family
   Narcissistic parents often spread their grievances about the scapegoat child to friends, teachers, and neighbors, building a narrative that the child is “bad” or “troublesome.” This “external scapegoating” isolates the child even more, making them feel as if the world is against them.
6. Extreme Empathy, But Not Towards Yourself
   Empathy becomes a double-edged sword for scapegoats. They feel deeply for others but often struggle to show themselves the same compassion. This level of empathy can also make them targets for other toxic people in adulthood, who see the scapegoat’s empathy as something to exploit.
7. Defending the Narcissistic Parent
   Despite the abuse, many scapegoats feel a need to protect the narcissistic parent, often out of pity. They understand the trauma or hardship that may have shaped their parent and, therefore, find it hard to hold them accountable, instead internalizing the belief that they must be “the bad one.”
8. Intense Self-Blame
   Scapegoat children learn to take on responsibility for the problems around them, even if it isn’t theirs to bear. If someone wrongs them, they’re likely to twist it inward, trying to see where they were at fault or justifying the other person’s behavior.

Breaking Free from the Scapegoat Identity

If you recognize yourself in these descriptions, it’s important to know that you don’t have to stay in this role forever. Breaking free from the scapegoat identity involves a journey of self-compassion, boundary-setting, and sometimes, distancing from those who reinforce that role. Here are a few first steps:

• Challenge Negative Self-Beliefs: Start by questioning the negative beliefs you hold about yourself. Many were likely projected onto you by others.
• Build Self-Compassion: Show yourself the same empathy you’ve so freely given others.
• Seek Support: Whether through therapy, support groups, or trusted friends, having an external perspective can help you see your worth more clearly.
• Set Boundaries: Learning to set limits with family members, especially toxic ones, is essential for your well-being.

The journey to healing from a scapegoat role isn’t easy, but it’s absolutely worth it. Recognize that you were assigned a role you never deserved, and remember that you have the power to rewrite that narrative. If you’re struggling, please remember you’re not alone—there’s a whole community here that understands and supports you.