In my last sick post, I started talking about getting sick. This is a continuation of my double life.
After I was diagnosed I found out I had to up my salt take. So I started eating a lot of salty things. Also for some reason, I got a new symptom. I started throwing up every morning before school. That was actually pretty funny. Since I needed salt, I started eating green olives and soy sauce before school. That really didn’t help with nausea. Also who does that?
I would start to get creative when I would throw up. Sometimes I would throw up in my school bag, sometimes in my hands and sometimes all over my pants. Sorry for the imagery. Honestly, I’m surprised I wasn’t accused of being pregnant the amount of morning sickness I had. Unfortunately, I wasn’t going to make it on 16 and pregnant but rather 16 and Chronically Ill. MTV don’t steal my idea. Lol yeah right they aren’t reading this. Anyway, it was happening every day so I don’t know why I didn’t smarten up and bring a throw-up bag. Pepto Bismol became my holy grail. I would take a big gulp as if it was a refreshing soda. That sounds healthy.
Around the end of my freshman year/ beginning of sophomore year, I started going to a doctor that was a neurological chiropractor. He was the only thing that helped me get through the day at school. Actually, he was the one that got me to stop throwing up all over everything. I forget his name so we’ll just call him doc. No not the one from Back to the future. Doc used to crack my back so I would have more blood flow to my brain and he noticed my retina? Something in your eye, but mine was bouncing all over the place. That apparently meant something was out of wack in my ears.
Doc would call them crystals in your ear and when they get out of your ear they cause turmoil like throwing up and dizziness. To fix it he would do this rolling technique with my head where he just basically rolled my head around to get the crystals back in place. The throwing up stopped and the dizziness calmed down but it didn’t fix me not in the slightest. It just helped me get through the year.
Eventually he said he couldn’t help me anymore because treating me was like treating a dead horse. So basically I’m a dead horse.
While I had my secret sick life going on, during school hours I would skip class whenever I could. When teachers would give me passes I would reuse them over and over. If it was in pencil I would erase it and rewrite the days and times. I’d sign into the guidance or nurses office and sign out the time that’s the end of class. A criminal that doesn’t want to get caught always erases their tracks as they say haha At the beginning of the year I stole a bathroom pass so I had a permanent pass and could get in trouble less.
If I started to feel sick I would rush to the bathroom whether the teacher said I could or I couldn’t. I started to become really disrespectful to teachers. The thing about teachers is, they will say no to things they really shouldn’t. They will tell you no to the bathroom and no to going to the nurse if they feel like it. It just felt like I was in survival mode and I needed to escape any and all times.
I also would sneak food into class to make sure I would not pass out. That was a big no-no. There were these salt pills I was taking which looked like a mint and it was so weird. But I would keep them in my pocket and come up with creative ways to sneakily shove them in my mouth. There was the throw in and yawn. The look to make sure no one was looking and pop it in. Turn to the door and sneak it in. That was painful because I was sucking on pure sodium. EW.
When I would skip class, I’d go to the library or one of the lunch periods. That’s where I felt the safest. In the library it was quiet and I could escape anytime I needed to. Thankfully I had friends in each of the lunch periods and it made me feel safe to be around them. Just like in my old school, I liked having a buddy in each of my classes. That wasn’t always the case because the bullying I dealt with really made me keep to myself.
Not only was I angry at the world but I really started to give in to my bad girl reputation. Detentions, Saturday detentions and in school suspensions became my new life. I wouldn’t go to my detentions which is why I would get Saturday Detentions. If I wouldn’t go to my Saturday’s, I’d get in school suspension. I loved in school suspension because it was one or two other kids and I could just sit in one place and not have to use my energy. I would prefer in school suspension over a regular day.
When I wasn’t skipping class I was getting into fights. I would start screaming matches with people and threaten to fight them. Which is hilarious because I did not have the energy to do it. I was just a hurt kid, terrified and alone. Luckily, I never did have to throw hands at anybody. My mouth was a problem though.
The funniest part is I hate confrontation. I’m actually terrified of confrontation. So when it was happening I was yelling through fear. My heart would be beating through my chest and I would always feel like I was out of breath and going to pass out. Got to keep that double life though!
As Dr.Phil says in his show, I had the “Get them before they get me” mentality. Like I said because I was so young, trying to figure out life, it felt like everyone was out to get me. Protecting myself meant going against everyone.
People would want to hang out on the weekends but I couldn’t go to school AND have a social life. My body wouldn’t allow that. So I started telling people I was hooking up with a guy so I couldn’t hang out. I’d tell them I was grounded (which I was a lot) but sometimes I wasn’t, I’d still say I was though.
For some weird reason, I’d make it seem like I’d get with all these guys. I barely even kissed a guy so it was funny that I acted like that. For some reason, I thought it fit with my bad girl reputation. I even told my future first love I hooked up with all these guys I didn’t and it created problems about this imaginary thing I did! Who does that?
Sometimes I’d tell my new town friends I was going to see my old town friends and I told my old town friends I couldn’t get a ride to see them. I know so much drama over hiding a sickness. For some reason, all of this seemed so much easier than telling anyone I was struggling. That I was alone and scared and something was wrong with me. The fear of judgment and being looked at differently consumed me.
Sophomore year was starting to end and I remember sitting in my driver’s ed class. I was feeling really faint and I thought how am I going to do this another year? I can’t deal with constantly getting yelled at and getting grounded at home for not being able to go to school. My symptoms are getting worse and I am barely able to make my classes. I can’t do this another year.
Junior year came and I was not in store for what was coming next. I joined a cosmetology program where I would go to the program in the morning and the afternoon go back to school. With the cosmetology program if you miss more than a couple days, they kick you out.
So you bet I had to get my butt in gear and get to school. I felt like pure death. As the weeks started going by I was only able to make the cosmetology program and a couple times a week I’d wind up going home by the afternoon.
I stopped being able to walk down the hallways to get to my classes. Lunch was right after we got off the bus from the cosmetology program. So I’d go to lunch and wind up going home in the middle of it. My body just would not stop being dizzy and weak and light headed. I couldn’t do it anymore.
October came around and I had a halloween party. Little did I know that would be my last outing. I snuck out and went with my best friend at the time. Honestly I’m surprised I didn’t pass out because I just felt so bad but as always I hid it.
I get to the party and somehow within an hour my parents found out where I was. There was no way they could have known because I never told them. It is still a mystery to this day. Anyway they brought me home, I was in trouble of course. But I never went to school or a party after that again. Walking, thinking, and standing weren’t a thing for me anymore. A tutor started coming to my house instead.
People wondered where I went and if anyone asked I told them I got kicked out. So, if you are reading this and we went to high school together and you are wondering where I went, I had a secret illness. Surprise!
Don’t be like me and make up a secret life to hide your secrets. Tell someone. Eventually you’ll find someone that you can confide in and will understand. Being a teenager is hard especially when you deal with things other kids don’t have to. My school experience was a complete nightmare but it could have been better if I had more support. Definitely don’t lie like me either. It’s exhausting keeping up with the lies. Right now you may be dealing with some things that seem like hell but you can get through it especially with a little help from your friends.
Leave comments below if you have ever dealt with anything similar or just want to share something in general!
