My Debilitating Fear Of Death and Hell

I have always been afraid of death since I can remember. I remember being five and thoughts would race through my mind of my family and I’s deaths. My stomach would turn and I’d get this rush of hot and cold feelings of doom and panic. At the time I didn’t realize but I was having an anxiety attack.

Growing up Catholic I was taught when you die you go to heaven if you are good, purgatory while your fate is decided and hell if you are bad. Living consciously forever scared me. Hell terrified me. The thought of any of my family members or me going there and possibly being separated from my family haunted me.

My parents were divorced and when I wasn’t with my dad I would cry imagining him dying, over and over again, alone in my room. I’d imagine my brother burning in hell forever. My nights consisted of me pleading with God to not let me or anyone I know wind up in hell. When I was watching t.v death thoughts would come through. When I was playing with my friends’ reminders that this would go away one day would make sure to come by. One day everything is going to be gone. Death and anxiety about it consumed my mind.

I never told anyone, I mean I never had anyone to talk to. Nothing comforted me. I wanted to know what happens? What is my fate? What is my loved one’s fate? Why do we have to die? Why do I have to live? When all my classmates were enjoying their time I was just thinking “what the hell are we doing here?”

The End Of The World

The constant anxiety about death and my family went on until I was about 11. That’s when a new fear took over. One day in sixth grade I was minding my business socializing with the kids on the bus.  That was until this girl turned to me and told me that the world was supposed to end in 2006. I laughed it off but also wanted to know more. That rush of panic and doom came right over and I felt like my life got flipped turned upside down and at that moment I really understood what the fresh prince of bel air was talking about. It was 2004 I only had two years left!? Oh my God, now it’s not just that my family, me and friends will die one die…EVERYBODY IS GOING TO DIE AT THE SAME TIME!? This was a whole other anxiety I didn’t know existed.

Now my thoughts shifted to just the world is going to end. I remember being in 6th grade and constantly looking out the window wondering if today was going to be the day. Since I grew up Catholic, the way I learned the world was going to end was that Jesus was coming and not a lot of people were going to heaven that day. This was panic city for me. The book Revelations scared me but also tempted me because I wanted to know what was going to happen. I would plead and bargain with God to just not let anything bad happen. I just was so sad all the time from so many things but the anxiety of death played a huge factor.

Eventually, January 1st, 2006 came around and I remember I held my breath so hard when the ball dropped. I was expecting the world to blow up or something as soon as everyone screamed “Happy New Year!” Thankfully it didn’t happen and I realized that everyone in the world was in different time zones. What, was the world going to magically end depending on your time zone? I still had a little logic in me left. I calmed down somewhat after that until I heard that it most likely was that 06/06/06 was going to be the day. For those of you that luckily didn’t grow up with extreme religion, 666 are the devils’ numbers. I guess people figured that was a good day to determine Jesus’ vacation destination.

So now I felt like I had to be prepared that June! Not only was I scared the world was ending but since I kept getting sicker and sicker I was worried I was slowly dying from my unknown illness no one could figure out. To me, it felt like the grim reaper was always behind me but wasn’t snatching me up. He was just there reminding me that death exists and it’s scary.

Eventually, 6/6/06 hit and I was kind of making a joke about it to my friends in school but I also was kind of really scared. Spoiler alert, we all did not die. After that my fear of the end of the world kind of calmed down. I think I was starting to learn that we always try to come up with dates and it’s unpredictable. Since I was getting sicker and sicker my fear of my illness and fainting took over more. That was the first two years of high school.

I Got An Intense Feeling I was Going To Die Young

I had to leave school when I was 16 from my illness. Because I felt so sick I used to stay up all night out of fear that I was going to die in the middle of the night. Why would staying up all night save me? I have no idea but it made sense to me at the time! I also was taking meds in my teens that was making me really sick and could have killed me. That really messed with my psyche which I had to get through in my 20’s later.

The fear of death was always in the back of my mind but when I was in school it was masked by my fear of fainting in school and trying to survive school. Since I started to be home tutored and be by myself more, my fear of death came with a vengeance and it brought along my old pal, Hell. Growing up Catholic, if I did something wrong my mom would tell me my soul was in jeopardy or tell me I’m going to hell and things of that nature.

So now all my fears of death and hell and the end of the world consumed me again. Everything I did, I would question if this would send me to hell. I was afraid to do anything out of fear that it would send me to hell. One of the biggest reasons I am so terrified of hell is because I have suffered too much on this earth to suffer for eternity in the afterlife. It was constant fear and anxiety.

During this time I will never forget something that happened. It was the first time I felt like this. I was looking outside the window when all of a sudden this intense feeling came over me and was like “you’re going to die young.” I will never forget the fear and sadness and panic that came over me. You are probably thinking, well weren’t you always thinking about death? Yeah, I was but I never felt this extreme certain feeling that I was going to die young.

Since that day, I have always just felt like every day was my last. It sounds dramatic but it’s my fear.

My Fear Of Death Today

Eventually, I grew out of staying up all night, I grew out of worrying if the world was going to end tomorrow and I struggle less with my fear of Hell. I went on a spiritual journey to figure out what I believe in which I am still figuring out till this day but my fear of hell no longer consumes me as much as it used to. What helped me was that I don’t want to believe in A God that would punish his people so severely.

There was a period of time where I was reading near-death experiences and it comforted me. I would constantly be looking up on google what happens when you die? I don’t know if you know this but apparently, Google doesn’t actually have the answers for everything. Yet I still would continue to try to find the answer to a question no one could answer.

I still struggle to this day, every single day with my fear of death. It’s on my mind all the time and anytime I get a scary symptom my immediate thought is “I’m dead.” I switch between accepting that it’s out of my control and trying to find a way I can hold on for dear life. Holding on for dear life just usually means having a panic attack and contemplating going to the hospital. I have it better handled now than I have in the past.

At the end of the day, I’ve come to the realization that the scariest thing about it is that it’s out of my control and I don’t know what will happen. The fear of the unknown. It’s out of my control and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. I will die one day and so will everyone else.

It always felt like no one was really talking about it and it has always scared me. Back in the day, our family members used to die at home and we were always exposed to it. Death was more natural and it was okay because we couldn’t do anything about it. In today’s society, we have places where people go to die or they stay in the hospital the majority of the time. We have modern medicine and to me, it always feels like it’s not okay to die. No one wants to die and we all want to live of course but I feel like we have become obsessed with prolonging life and denying death.

Don’t get me wrong it’s great that we have found ways to live longer and be healthier. But whenever I see warnings I always feel like its saying stay alive or else. I feel like we should be openly talking more about death instead of it being this taboo subject that people are secretly afraid of.

If You Are Struggling With The Fear Of Death

Just know you are not alone. I am there with you. We can’t control that death exists. It’s part of life. Don’t suffer in silence like I did. Tell someone. Talking through it can help bring you comfort as well as the fact that maybe they can relate. I know its easier said than done but don’t let fear stop you from living. Then the question becomes, are you afraid of death or are you afraid of living?

Death is inevitable. It’s not something we can avoid or make not happen. The only thing we can do is find ways to cope with it which I have and I’ll share in another post. Billions have died before you and billions will die after you. Hang in there. I hope reading my story makes you feel less alone.

Can you relate? Do you have an experience you want to share? Let us know in the comments below!