No Contact/Low Contact with a Narcissistic Parent

Going no contact or low contact with a narcissistic parent is a profoundly different experience compared to cutting ties with friends, partners, or siblings. This decision involves grieving the loss of someone who was supposed to provide unconditional love, care, and support. The process can be excruciatingly painful because it entails accepting that you won’t have the ideal parent-child relationship you hoped for. This blog post delves into what to expect and how to heal when you decide to limit or sever contact with a narcissistic parent.

How Separation Anxiety Develops

Separation anxiety often originates in childhood due to traumatic events such as parental divorce, the death of a loved one, or having a parent who struggles with addiction. Children in these situations may develop an intense fear of being separated from an attachment figure. This anxiety is rooted in insecurity and fear of loss. While many assume children grow out of it, unresolved separation anxiety can follow them into adulthood.

Signs of Adult Separation Anxiety

Adults with separation anxiety often feel ashamed of their feelings. They might be embarrassed by their strong attachment to someone and their fear of being apart from them. This can lead to suppressing their anxiety or appearing overly needy and controlling. Whether it’s a partner, parent, child, or even a pet, the anxiety becomes pronounced when separated from their attachment figure. They may experience generalized anxiety and have a hard time functioning until the person returns.

There is also a constant fear that something bad will happen to their loved ones when they are not around. This can manifest in obsessive thoughts about accidents or harm coming to the attachment figure. Additionally, individuals may feel unsafe without their attachment figure and might experience health anxiety or panic attacks when separated. Being in public or away from home without their attachment figure can provoke intense fear and anxiety about potential dangers.

The thought of being alone at home can be terrifying. Individuals might experience anxiety attacks and be unable to relax. The constant stress and anxiety about their attachment figure can make it difficult to focus on other relationships or work responsibilities. They may have trouble sleeping without their attachment figure nearby, fearing something bad will happen during the night. Frequent nightmares about being separated from their attachment figure can disrupt sleep and contribute to anxiety. Simply imagining being separated from their attachment figure can cause physical symptoms like stomach aches, headaches, and panic attacks.

No Contact vs. Low Contact

No Contact: This means completely cutting off communication with the narcissistic parent. There is no interaction, which helps to stop the cycle of abuse but does not automatically lead to healing the emotional wounds.

Low Contact: This involves maintaining minimal contact, such as during holidays or occasional check-ins. Conversations are kept shallow, and personal details are not shared. This can be a compromise for those who find complete separation too difficult.

What to Expect When Going No Contact

1. Emotional Turmoil: You may feel immense guilt and shame, conditioned by societal norms that stress the importance of maintaining a relationship with parents. It’s essential to remember that cutting off contact is a response to abuse and not a reflection of your worth or morality.
2. Grieving and Mourning: You will need to mourn the loss of the parent you never had. This involves acknowledging the pain of unmet needs and validating your emotions. Mourning can be a long process, with feelings resurfacing unexpectedly.
3. Smear Campaigns: Narcissistic parents often respond with smear campaigns, spreading lies and trying to alienate you from others. It’s crucial to cut off people who believe these lies and avoid being dragged into the drama.
4. Boundary Violations: Expect your narcissistic parent to violate your boundaries. They might send messages, show up unannounced, or write letters. Do not respond to these attempts; maintain your boundaries firmly.
5. Sibling Dynamics: Your siblings may have different relationships with the narcissistic parent, leading to varied reactions. Some may support you, while others might oppose your decision. Understanding these dynamics helps in maintaining your stance without second-guessing yourself.

How to Heal After Cutting Contact

1. Expose Yourself to Your Fears: Gradually expose yourself to being alone or away from your attachment figure. Start with small steps and increase the duration over time.
2. Practice Self-Talk: Use soothing and reassuring language to calm yourself. Remind yourself that you are safe and capable of handling situations on your own.
3. Focus on What You Can Control: Concentrate on what you can manage, which helps reduce feelings of helplessness and anxiety.
4. Create a Calm Environment: Ensure the environment is calm and supportive when exposing yourself to anxiety-provoking situations.
5. Seek Support: Talk to your attachment figure about your fears and work together on strategies to cope with separation anxiety. Having emotional support can make a significant difference.
6. Challenge Your Thoughts: Challenge irrational fears by assessing the likelihood of negative events happening. This helps shift focus from possibilities to probabilities, reducing anxiety.
7. Develop Other Sources of Support: Build a network of supportive relationships to help you feel secure. This can lessen the dependency on a single attachment figure and broaden your sense of safety.

Dealing with Outside Influence and Changing Your Mind

People might guilt and shame you for cutting off contact, projecting their insecurities or misunderstanding your situation. It’s important not to give in to this pressure. Focus on the progress you’ve made and maintain your boundaries. You might also change your mind and feel the urge to reach out, especially in moments of crisis or due to a trauma bond. If this happens, remember why you set the boundaries and consider the potential consequences of resuming contact.

Healing from a narcissistic parent requires consistent effort and support. If you struggle with adult separation anxiety, know that you are not alone. By taking proactive steps and seeking support, you can overcome this anxiety and lead a more balanced and fulfilling life.