If you have been through a narcissistic relationship, it can be terrifying to date again and love again. This is because when someone is nice to you or they are affectionate towards you, you immediately become suspicious. At the very beginning of your previous relationship, your narcissistic ex was also really nice, charming. It was super exciting, loving, and a dream. And that is because it was the beginning of the cycle of abuse which was the love bombing. You did not know that at the time but now you are aware of the possibility.
So after getting out of a narcissistic relationship you will notice you will question everyone and everything around you. Especially when new potential partners are being nice. You will wonder what they want with you, are they future faking? Are they being manipulative? Why are they being so nice? This is because, one you are now traumatized and scared, and two it can be hard to differentiate between what love is and what is love bombing. So how do you spot the difference? We first have to go into what the beginning of a relationship normally looks like.
At the beginning of every relationship, it starts off as infatuation. It is exciting, you are figuring each other out and you put your best foot forward at first. Eventually, that dies down and you slowly start revealing things about yourself. You reveal some flaws, things about your life that aren’t so great and as time goes on you build trust. Eventually, you learn how to communicate, compromise, and work through your issues. There will be moments when they frustrate you but you are able to have consistency.
In a narcissistic relationship, it is not like that. Everything moves very fast. All narcissists have an agenda and so because of that, they are never genuine. I love yous come quickly, you are their soulmate, their everything, the one they have been looking for. You will have amazing sex, they will seem very interested in what you have to say, ask a ton of questions and it will feel too good to be true. But here is the thing, they are very good at reading people. They are gathering all this information to use against you later on. That way they know what makes you upset but also knows what makes you happy so they can reel you back in.
And it will feel like a drug. It becomes very addicting because they are putting you on such a high. You become addicted to the oxytocin which is the love hormone, serotonin, and dopamine which as the feel-good hormones which they provide for you through these beginning stages. It is important to note that because this is the beginning stages of grooming. They are grooming you to trust them and to give you this certain image of who they are so you always have that in the back of your mind. That way during the bad times it will come up where you remember they have the capability to be that person still. It is much easier to manipulate and control you down the line when you have this image of them or you feel they are something you are addicted to.
They are so insecure but it feels good to them that they have someone that wants them that much. So they mirror what you want and they put you on a pedestal. Just as easy as it is to lift you up they will also tear you down.
So it may be scary when you see someone being nice. You may be unsure how to tell the difference between genuine vs manipulative. But there are a few warning signs that you will notice.
Pushy
They will appear needy and wanting more of you. So they will say that they miss you and want more of your time but really they are being controlling. You may notice they will push you when you try to say no or make you feel guilty or become mean so you may become afraid to say no. You will excuse it by telling yourself that they just like you and want to spend time with you or they are needy but you want to take care of them. In reality, you feel like you are walking on eggshells and don’t realize how pushy they are.
The cycle
When you are with a narcissist, you don’t get to that point of learning how to healthily deal with conflict or build that trust. Because it moves fast it can go sour fast too. It feels like a constant roller coaster. It is constant love bombing and devaluing. And what can cause the relationship to go sour is when you don’t give them what they wanted or behave the way they wanted. You are only a source of supply to them. positive or negative. When you give them what they want, they receive positive supply. When you don’t give them what they want, they receive that negative supply by getting a reaction out of you. They feel validation or pleasure seeing they caused it.
So after this happens, it will cause you to react in one of two ways. On you will wonder where that sweet amazing person went so you will take responsibility and you will apologize and they will go back to love bombing you. Or if you distance yourself and walk away from it they will hoover over you and try to prove they’re that amazing person again. The reason they do this is because they are insecure and fear abandonment.
You have something they need, you are an empathetic nurturer and they don’t have that ability. It makes them feel special because you are special. During the grooming stages, they are seeing if you are someone they can manipulate. They gathered all that information so they know what makes you feel good and will get you to want to come back. Like spending time with you, having sex, buying you things, making promises.
Now if you are someone that is not aware of these things or you have not healed your inner wounds, then you will fall for it. This is because you have this emptiness that when they give this to you, you feel whole again. You feel like you need them at this point. You now become dependent on them as you don’t give yourself your own needs since you are a fixer, a giver, a caregiver. Also, you want them to be this person again so you will take them back again and again.
Now in a healthy relationship, there are of course arguments but your partner is not devaluing you or making you feel terrible. At the time you may not handle the disagreement well but you don’t leave feeling completely destroyed or feel crazy. Things are more consistent but you do not have major spikes of love and major spikes of devaluing.
With love bombing you are not getting their genuine selves, you are getting the manipulated version. So how can you know?
Intuition
Something will feel off. Even if it feels amazing, you still will be afraid to go against them or say no. Not only that but their actions do not match their words. So they will say they are nice ut then e rude to people like waiters. So you want to pay attention to what people show you and not what they tell you.
Ask Them Your Flaws
During a time when the narcissist love bombs you, they put you on a pedestal. So they create this delusion that you are the best thing since sliced bread. And so because of that, they are trying to maintain this positive false reality. To see if you are currently in that false reality, ask them what is a flaw of yours? Or some things you can work on. A real partner would say something to help you improve. A narcissist in a love bombing stage would say nothing is wrong or that you are perfect.
Put up a boundary
Say no to them or slow your roll on sharing things or seeing them. See how they respond. In a healthy relationship, they will be okay with it. With a narcissist, they will guilt you and make you feel that you are a bad person because they really love you and just want to be with you. Or in the instance of a covert narcissist, they will make it seem like they are okay with it and then continue to try to push. That shows they are not able to respect your boundaries and that is a perfect test.
In a healthy relationship, they will want to get to know you, show genuine care, and will go at your speed but they won’t push you. The narcissist will get mad at you or try to punish you. This is exactly what it will be like throughout the relationship. If they keep pushing then they must have a motive.
Don’t be scared when someone is being nice and affectionate towards you, that is not a red flag. A red flag is when they can’t have a healthy conversation. When they punish you for boundaries when something feels off. That is you want to work on building trust in yourself and loving yourself again, that way they can’t get away with it. You want to have your bull shit detector on cause when you do it weeds out these types of people.
What do you guys think? Leave it all in the comments below!
