In 1970 a psychologist named Dr.Gotmann and researcher Robert Leverson did a study on couples where they observed the way they dealt with conflict and then had them come back 9 years later to see how the relationship panned out. That is when the four horsemen and the 5:1 Magic ratio came to be. They discovered what ruined a relationship but also the antidote to deal with these four horsemen.
The four horsemen are what is deemed as the apocalypse of relationships. Gottman and Leverson noted that if you had these four things in your relationship, it was more likely to end. The four horsemen are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
Different than a complaint or constructive criticism. It is an attack on your partner’s character. Criticism can make the other person feel like they’re not cared for and constantly feel bad about themselves. It’s not what you say but how you say it. For example, if you say:
“Oh, you never pick up your socks! You’re always an idiot and selfish, you never think about anyone else!”
That’s mean and straight criticism. Constructive criticism or even just expressing your complaint is you expressing it from a vulnerable place on how something makes you feel and then also saying what you want different in the future.
Antidote:
Now the antidote to this is to use “I” statements. Come from a vulnerable place, remember your end goal. A lot of times criticism comes from a hurt place, you don’t want to come from a hurt place. Your angle is not to hurt your partner, your end goal is to be heard or be understood or for things to be resolved.
If instead, you said “Hey when you don’t pick up your socks, it really makes me feel overwhelmed and I feel like there’s so much that needs to be done. Could you please pick up your socks in the future so it could help me out?”
See you’re not starting with an immediate complaint. You’re starting with how something makes you feel. If you have criticism in your relationship it doesn’t mean that it’s doomed, we all have slip-ups. It’s all a matter of how often you criticize which really leads to the other horsemen of contempt. Criticism is the leading cause to make your partner feel rejected and hurt and then that’s when the doom starts.
Contempt is worse than criticism because with contempt you see them as below you and beneath you. This comes from consistent negative thoughts about your partner, which eventually can turn into resentment. Resentment comes from a very hurt place where you haven’t expressed how you felt and it builds and builds into contempt. You will treat your partner with complete disrespect. You will mock them, you may mimic them, ridicule them or roll your eyes at them. These things will make your partner feel worthless or like you’re above them.
It is also known that partners that express contempt are more likely to suffer from illnesses. When you are in a low place and you feel very negative it creates an environment where it makes you vulnerable to illnesses.
An example of contempt is let’s say you’ve been in your head all day thinking about how pissed off you are at your partner because maybe they didn’t take you out on a date the day before or they just don’t show enough appreciation. So you’re thinking all these negative things and then they go home and they say like
“Hey, I had a hard day.”
You immediately bark at them and say “Oh you had a hard day? You’re not the only one who has had a hard day. What did you like print some papers at work and it went wrong? Big deal. Yeah, try being in my shoes I had to take care of everything all day by myself.” That’s showing contempt. It’s showing you feel you’re above them and they are beneath you.
Antidote:
Build respect and appreciation. So the way that you can do this is every time you notice yourself thinking negatively about your partner, replace it with a positive thought about your partner. Replace it with thinking about what you’re grateful for or what you appreciate about them. You appreciate some character traits that they have or maybe you can practice accepting their flaws.
For example: maybe sometimes they are a little bit messy. If you create these positive thoughts in your mind about them, then you’re less likely to entertain those negative thoughts and you’re less likely to lash out at them or act on those negative thoughts. So let’s say your partner said they would walk the dog and they left for work without walking them.
Naturally, you would get pissed and it may spiral into you thinking how terrible they are and how they never do what they say. What you can do instead is recognize when you are doing that and then think of the things you appreciate. Maybe you appreciate what a harder worker they are. Try showing some empathy and be a little more understanding. You can still bring it up later but you will be more empathetic towards them rather than acting like you are superior to them.
You want to express appreciation, gratitude, respect, and be affectionate.
This is a response to criticism. If you are someone who has a lot of guilt and shame, a very hard time taking in constructive criticism, have a hard time admitting when you’re wrong or you feel like you’re unjustly accused you may respond with defensiveness. What happens when you respond with defensiveness, is it shows that you’re not taking your partner’s feelings into consideration.
An example of defensiveness is if your partner comes up to you and says
“Hey, I’m trying to have some quiet time in the room. Can you please lower your voice?”
If you are defensive then a way that you may respond is
“I’m not being loud, you’re being loud. Why don’t you go and close the door? I’m not doing anything wrong.”
By saying that, you’re merely dismissing your partner, completely invalidating them and their own needs.
Antidote:
Take responsibility. When you get defensive, you’re pretty much saying the problem’s not me, it’s you.
The problem then doesn’t get resolved and it just continues to happen. That’s why fights may consistently come up because of defensiveness and it never really gets resolved. When you can recognize your part, you can actually do something about it and your partner’s more likely to own their part too.
For example, let’s say for instance your partner brings up that you’re on your phone a lot. You may not necessarily agree and that’s fine but you should at least still acknowledge your partner and see a little bit where they’re coming from. Maybe you can see that you have not been as present so you want to validate them and acknowledge that. Let them know that you can see what they are talking about and you are going to be more aware because you value them and love them.
You won’t always agree with them but you can validate them. Look at your part and where you can grow and if you have a healthy partner they will do the same.
Stonewalling is a response to contempt. This is basically when one of you is overwhelmed emotionally and you check out. So you will withdraw from the conversation, you will go get distracted, you will dismiss the conversation, you’ll get up and just leave mid-convo. This will result in you ignoring your partner and giving them the cold shoulder. It will feel like a punishment. When you stonewall you are wanting to punish your partner by not talking to them. When one stonewalls then there is no conversation and it will eventually become a habit and a way you or your partner will deal with things when they can’t handle a conversation and want to find a way out.
It is also that punishment factor to let your partner know that you are not happy with them. If you are ever in a moment with your partner where things are getting heated and want to ignore them, you can instead let them know you are checking out and need a break.
Antidote:
Self-soothing. Dr.Gottman had couples after they got into a heated argument take a break and go kind of do their own thing. After 20 minutes, they both calmed down. It showed that their heart was racing when they were arguing and then when they came back, their heart had calmed down. This is because they had time to calm themselves from that emotional response and now they’re at a more logical spot which helps so they can reason and come from a more logical place.
The most important thing is that you guys have to come back and resolve this situation. A lot of times people will check out and walk away and won’t come back to resolve the issue. You have to eventually come back to talk it out and resolve it.
So when things get heated, suggest you guys take a break. What is most important is to not let the feelings build and build till you are telling yourself this angry negative story. Instead, release these emotions. Do some journaling, do some calming activities like soothing yourself, going for a walk, meditating, and listening to some music. Be aware of the language you use and just think about your end goal.
The magic ratio is balancing positive and negative interactions during a conflict. Anytime there is a negative interaction between couples it needs to be repaired in order for the relationship to thrive. It is also important to be aware of how often these negative interactions happen that determine how happy a couple will be.
Dr. Gottman talks about positive 8 interactions and that for every 1 negative there needs to be five positives.
Have some of these interactions during fights or just in your day-to-day relationship and your relationship will be more likely to succeed.
What do you guys think? Leave it all in the comments below!
