Growing up with narcissistic parents severely impacts a child’s development and emotional well-being. Narcissistic parents lack the ability to provide essential emotional support, love, validation, and approval. They are incapable of mirroring their child’s emotions, which is crucial for healthy emotional development. Instead of nurturing their child, narcissistic parents often engage in verbal and emotional abuse, making their child feel worthless and insecure. Unlike loving parents, who are invested in their child’s dreams, goals, and emotional well-being, narcissistic parents view their child as an extension of their own ego, seeing them either as a source of benefit or a burden.
As a result, children of narcissistic parents often grow up feeling empty and lacking self-worth. To cope with this emptiness, they may become people-pleasers, constantly seeking validation and approval from others by molding themselves to fit others’ expectations. They may suppress their own needs and desires to ensure others are happy, hoping to feel loved and accepted. On the other extreme, some children might overcompensate for their feelings of worthlessness by inflating their fragile egos, adopting narcissistic traits similar to their parents, and measuring their self-worth through achievements and what others can do for them.
There is also a middle ground where some children, while adopting some unhealthy traits from their parents, manage to self-reflect and gradually recognize and unlearn these behaviors. They may exhibit traits such as being overly defensive, manipulative, or twisting reality to cope with their abusive upbringing. Over time, they need to unlearn these coping mechanisms and develop healthier ways to interact with the world.
Regardless of the coping mechanism, children of narcissistic parents are deprived of essential emotional experiences. They miss out on feeling loved and validated, having their own opinions respected, and experiencing a carefree childhood. These children are often placed in inappropriate roles, shouldering responsibilities and emotional burdens they should never have had to bear. Furthermore, the treatment they receive from their narcissistic parents can vary, sometimes neglectful, other times abusive or occasionally even praising when it benefits the parents. This inconsistency only adds to the child’s confusion and emotional turmoil.
When you have two narcissistic parents, one common dynamic you may experience is extreme neglect. Narcissistic parents often see their children as burdens, only prioritizing their own needs and desires. This dynamic manifests in many ways, making the child feel insignificant and unworthy of attention or care. For instance, whenever you needed something, you were seen as a problem. It was apparent that while your parents had resources for their own needs, your needs were dismissed or met with irritation. You might have heard complaints like, “Why do you need money again?” or “Do you really need to go to the doctor? You’re fine.”
This consistent neglect teaches you that your needs and feelings are unimportant. If you were hungry, needed new clothes, or required medical attention, you were often told to “suck it up.” Your emotional and physical well-being was constantly overlooked, instilling in you the belief that you must suppress your needs and desires just to avoid being a burden.
As a result, you might cope in one of two primary ways. You may internalize your anger, becoming passive-aggressive or avoiding confrontation and conflict altogether. Alternatively, you may lash out in other areas of your life where you feel safer expressing your pent-up frustrations. Regardless of the coping mechanism, the underlying message ingrained in your mind is that your voice does not matter, and you are helpless.
This neglect can lead to severe disconnection from yourself as you grow older. You might struggle to attend to your needs, feeling that you cannot trust others to support you or have your back. Authority figures, such as bosses, might intimidate you, especially if they exhibit any aggressive tendencies.
Neglectful narcissistic parents do not engage with their children’s lives. They won’t watch your cartwheels, admire your drawings, or have meaningful conversations with you unless it’s to criticize or belittle you. This inconsistency can make it difficult for you to develop a stable sense of self-worth and confidence.
Moreover, the behavior of neglectful narcissistic parents can fluctuate over time. They might be flexible and somewhat engaging during one period and then switch to being highly abusive and neglectful in another. This unpredictability further exacerbates the child’s sense of instability and insecurity.
In families where both parents are narcissistic and despise each other, children often become the unfortunate pawns in their parents’ battles. This dynamic can create a profoundly destabilizing and harmful environment for a child, marked by manipulation, inconsistency, and emotional turmoil.
When narcissistic parents hate each other, their home often becomes a battleground. They might engage in frequent narcissistic attacks, which are intense and emotionally charged confrontations aimed at undermining the other. In such an environment, parents often attempt to win over the child’s affection to outmaneuver each other, using the child as a tool for their own gain.
This toxic dynamic can manifest in parents competing for your love and loyalty. They might shower you with gifts, attention, or special privileges to gain your favor. While this can seem positive at times, it often comes with hidden motives and expectations, creating a transactional relationship where your affection is a prize to be won.
In their efforts to outdo each other, parents may neglect to provide a consistent and structured environment. This lack of rules and boundaries can lead to confusion and instability. You might receive mixed messages about acceptable behavior, leaving you unsure of what is expected of you and what will lead to approval or punishment.
Narcissistic parents might involve you in their conflicts directly or indirectly. They may speak poorly of each other to you, forcing you to take sides or make judgments about the other parent. This puts you in a stressful and unfair position, as you are made to feel responsible for the emotional well-being of your parents and their relationship dynamics.
You may feel constant pressure to mediate their disputes, keep the peace, and prevent conflicts from escalating. This role reversal forces you to prioritize your parents’ needs over your own, denying you the opportunity to experience a normal, carefree childhood. The emotional manipulation can make you feel like you have to choose between your parents, each vying to be seen as the better, more loving parent.
In many cases, you might gravitate towards the parent who appears less harsh or abusive. This choice is not based on genuine affection but on a survival instinct to align with the lesser evil. Even then, this parent may still be narcissistic and manipulative, albeit in a less overtly abusive manner.
Failing to meet their expectations or challenging their authority can lead to severe repercussions. Narcissistic parents demand constant validation and compliance, and any deviation can result in emotional, physical, or even sexual punishment. This instills a deep-seated fear of asserting yourself or setting boundaries.
Growing up in this environment severely hampers your ability to develop a healthy sense of self. Your identity becomes enmeshed with the needs and desires of your parents. You learn to suppress your own emotions, thoughts, and boundaries to avoid conflict and punishment, which can lead to lifelong struggles with self-worth, confidence, and autonomy.
Another dynamic you may experience when you have two narcissistic parents is the presence of a “nice” narcissist and a “mean” narcissist. The “nice” narcissistic parent often presents themselves as caring and altruistic in public, coming across as the ideal parent. However, their kindness is highly conditional, dependent on you fulfilling their desires and enhancing their image. Behind closed doors, their behavior can turn cold and demanding when their expectations are not met.
On the other hand, the “mean” narcissistic parent is consistently harsh and self-centered, showing little regard for others’ needs and focusing solely on their own interests, such as personal success or indulgences like drinking. This stark contrast can be confusing and manipulative. You may lean on the “nice” narcissist for comfort, believing them to be the better parent, which creates cognitive dissonance and gaslights you into thinking they are supportive despite their manipulative behaviors. This dynamic undermines your self-trust and independence, as you are conditioned to prioritize their needs over your own, ultimately losing a sense of your true self.
Another painful experience of having two narcissistic parents is when they align and gang up on you. During times when these parents are getting along, they might use you as a source of narcissistic supply by jointly attacking you. This can manifest as negative comments, mockery, or lectures about your perceived shortcomings, such as being ungrateful or not good enough. Together, they create a tag team of criticism and verbal abuse, leaving you feeling helpless and unprotected. In such situations, you might react by yelling in an attempt to defend yourself, which they might then label as you being “out of control,” or you might freeze, taking the hits passively. Alternatively, you might run away to avoid the confrontation altogether. This gang-up tactic triggers a fight, flight, or freeze response, deeply affecting your sense of security.
The very people who are supposed to love and protect you become sources of torment, causing you to internalize deep shame and pain. To cope, you might turn to unhealthy behaviors such as addiction or engaging in multiple relationships, seeking to numb the pain or fill the void left by your parents’ betrayal. In trying to survive, you might adopt narcissistic traits yourself or strive excessively to appease your parents. This constant survival mode, imposed by two emotionally immature adults who haven’t resolved their own traumas, is deeply unfair and incredibly painful. If you recognize these patterns in yourself, it’s important to forgive yourself for the coping mechanisms you adopted to survive. Acknowledging and understanding these behaviors is the first step towards healing and breaking the cycle.
