Having a Narcissist in your life is a completely different experience than you will have with other people. And it is vital you treat it as such to protect you and your sanity. Narcissist are selfish and their main motive is power and control. To get that they will do things like manipulate or create this image to make you question yourself.
Narcissists are not normal people. In my Understanding the mind of a Narcissist post I talk about the different types of narcissist and some traits they posses. Narcissists are kids in adult bodies stuck in the age they were abused at. So the relationship can’t be the same as it would be with another person. It will lead to disappointment, hurt, abuse and feeling like you’re insane. You are not insane! Just dealing with insanity.
The best things would be to stay away from them but that is not always the case. They can be family members, current husbands/wives, or coworkers. Narcissism also runs on a scale so some can be more tolerable than others. The key thing is knowing how to deal with them and knowing what they are capable of and not capable of. So how do you protect yourself? One way is by understanding what they can’t give you. Here are some things Narcissists can not give you:
In healthy relationships there is a dynamic where you are able to express your concerns and vice versa and then come to come type of compromise or agreement to help the issue. Narcissists can’t do that. They can’t see where they go wrong. You can’t tell them what is bothering you because they will turn it around/make you feel guilt or like it is your fault, gaslight you /make you feel crazy, turn others against you, and/or use it against you.
Narcissists are incapable of looking at themselves and seeing what part they played. They genuinely believe it is you and you are just attacking them. They can’t accept the fact that they too are capable of hurting others. So because of this they can’t make changes to themselves. They may temporarily make it look like they are changing but that is just for image purposes or to get you to not say those things. They care about image, not about being a better person.
If you are unsure if this is true I want you to remember a time when you expressed your concerns and they took it in and did something about it long term. If you can’t answer that then you have your answer.
Come to the understanding that you can’t help them. They are the way they are and there isn’t anything you can say or do that will make them change. They physically can not. It is very unlikely. If you can’t self reflect, you can’t hear what someone else is saying and look at yourself to change. Recognize triggers and try to stay away from them as much as possible. Know you can always walk away if you feel you can’t help yourself.
This will feel unnatural and hard but stay away from expressing your genuine feelings. Since they are incapable of change, this information will only give them more ammo. Which causes you to endure more abuse. You telling them how they make you feel will only make you feel crazy or like you are talking to the wall. You want to respond vs react. They thrive off of your reactions because then it makes them feel more in power.
When needing to express your emotions and how they make you feel, keep a journal and just vent or vent to an understanding close loved one. Let yourself feel your emotions, mourn over the frustration and release it. Then pick yourself back up and continue to move forward with your day.
As we talked about above, since they can’t self reflect or see what they do wrong, they can’t give you an apology either. Narcissists never think they are in the wrong. They can only see things as what you are doing to them.
Narcissists are built on ego. Since their self esteem is so low they build their character that they portray to you as someone who things happen to them and they are too important and good to be wrong. The ego stops them from admitting their wrongs or being able to see it. And if they do “apologize” it will be a non taking responsibility apology. You’ll hear things like “I’m sorry you…” Or “I’m sorry but/if…”.
They do this to play the image of looking like they are taking accountability so that way they can continue to manipulate and control you. We want apologies or apologize as an acknowledgement of knowing we were wronged or did the wronging. You will never get that acknowledgment from them no matter how hard you try or what you say. They can’t see it.
Come to an acceptance that they will never acknowledge when they hurt you or do something wrong and you will never get a genuine apology. Be aware and notice the fake apologies. Determine whats little and that you can let go and what is bigger and is affecting you mentally.
For the things that they have done that are affecting you mentally, write out what it is (similar to releasing like we talked about above) and have them write back a letter of what you wish they would have said back to you. Create your own acknowledgment and know that they are mentally unwell and incapable of giving you that.
A big thing Narcissists lack is the ability to understand or share the feelings of others. Because they are so selfish and their ego is so big, they only think inside their world and what is going on with them. That is why you may notice when you go to them for comfort they somehow make the conversation about them or they can’t handle comforting you. They will try to dismiss your feelings, blame you for what happened or make it a competition. Their understanding of others and others feelings is limited.
The reason this is, is because they themselves do not know how to comfort or self soothe. When we can’t self soothe or comfort ourselves, we don’t have that skill for others either. This comes from dealing with their own abuse and not getting empathy from their abuser or not learning how to soothe through the pain/learning unhealthy coping mechanisms through that time. As a child when you get abuse you feel it is your fault and that then can turn off the empathy part of your brain and strengthen the survival part which is focusing on trying to survive.
So because of this they do not know how to soothe others or fathom what that looks like. They can’t look at how things affect others or understand others go through pain too, not just them. Instead they will shame you guilt you and make you feel bad for having feelings. They can’t give you the empathy you need.
Coming to an understanding that they can’t understand your pain or give you the comfort you need is helpful. It is really unfair and it sucks especially if it is a family member or someone you married. Stay away from confiding in them as you will leave feeling worse off than before. Try and confide in people who do acknowledge and comfort you.
A Narcissist only shows you who they want you to think they are. They don’t show their genuine self. One day they are hot and the next day they are cold. One day something could be okay and the next it will cause an explosion. They will challenge what you say because they “know better” or they will try to assert themselves over you to make you feel less than them. It is constant stress and feeling like you have to be who they want in order to keep their abuse to a minimum.
Because of this it is close to impossible to have a genuine connection with them or have conversations. They are an unpredictable shell of a person. The relationship can feel shallow. When having a narcissist in your life you may always feel like somethings missing when being around them. They don’t value you as a person, or anything you want and need. So you can’t fully be yourself. They just use people around them for supply to fill their needs, their motives.
Not only that but whatever you tell them could be used against you, as a way to take digs at you, or they will share your information to others. They will accuse you of things, they will lie, they will make you feel crazy. There is a lot of toxicity when being involved with a narcissist which means its hard having a deep relationship with them. They can’t give you a genuine relationship or normal conversation.
Stay away from topics that can cause them to use it against you or get a reaction out of you. Topics like personal things, opinions, relationships, things you are going through. They don’t deserve to know that information. This is information they gather and use to their benefit.
Try to keep the conversation off of you as much as possible and keep low contact. Try to engage in conversations about them or neutral topics like the weather, movies, books, sports, restaurants. Things of that nature. If they try to ask personal questions just keep it light and simple that way it requires less questions for them to try and dive deeper into the conversation.
Because Narcissists see you as someone that is beneath them, they will never show you the respect you deserve. And because they don’t show you respect, they will also show you they can’t be trusted. Narcissists can’t be trusted with information, with your life, with decisions, with your best interests. They always have a hidden agenda and that is how they manipulate you. They will make things seem a certain way but don’t be fooled.
Narcissists don’t admire the people in their life, they don’t appreciate you,they don’t care about what is best for you or your needs. They only care whats best for them. They show the ultimate disrespect by trying to cross your boundaries, testing the limits, and seeing how far they can go with you to control you and do what they want. They can’t give you respect and they can’t give you the ability to trust them.
It is really important to set boundaries. Boundaries are basically just fences to keep people out of our property. They will try to invade your boundaries so it is important you stay consistent and stick with what you say. Be assertive and stern. Examples of boundaries are like we talked about above, stay away from topics, don’t allow them to do certain things, don’t be with them at certain times. You decide what you need and what is best for you.
You can’t trust someone that doesn’t have your best interest at heart or values you as a person. Once you come to this harsh realization, it will be easier for you to be aware and protect yourself.
You can’t reason with an unreasonable person. Remember they are just like a kid stuck in their abuse. You can’t always reason with a kid either. They are selfish and can’t see your point of view, similar to a narcissist.
It is unlikely they will see your side or be able to give up some of their wants for yours. It will always feel like it is their way or no way. There is no agreements where both sides will benefit from it. You either will feel like you have to give them everything they want or you get absolutely nothing that you may need.
Try to stay away from being put in these positions. If you need something try to find a way to get it without them being involved. I know this is not always the case but if you do happen to find yourself in a situation where you need something from them, make sure to respond to what they are demanding rather than react with your emotions. Understand that they can’t be reasoned with so you don’t leave feeling helpless or defeated.
Narcissists are all about image. So they know the correct things to say to get you to fantasize about the type of person they could be. Or the type of relationship you could have with them. They will tell you what you need to hear especially when you are showing signs of distancing yourself. Narcissists tell you who they are and who they want you to believe who they are when their actions show the opposite.
They use the things you have told them, that you value to sell you this dream. Narcissistic parents do it, friends do it, partners do it. They all have this image of who they think you are/treat you or how they want you to believe they are. Then when it comes down to it, none of it is a reality.
Recognize when they are trying to sell you a fantasy or a lie. Remember you cant believe everything they tell you, just as much as you would like to believe them. They will guilt you, they will throw things in your face, they will try to make you remember things differently then you remembering them happening. Narcissists will make you questions yourself over and over.
Always look at their actions. Just because they said something, it doesn’t mean that is the way it is. Actions speak louder than words. Did they actually do the things they said? Or did they make it look like they did?
Closure is when you feel like you have been acknowledge, you have gotten everything off your chest and you can let something go. Not having an apology really makes it that much harder to feel like you got that closure, or getting to tell them how they have made you feel or how they have affected you. You can’t have this normal dialogue with a narcissist.
Narcissists will do horrible things to you. Things that it can be hard to forgive them. But forgiveness is not for them, only for yourself. So you don’t have to go around and feel that anger and resentment. It can feel like wounds are still open, whether you see them everyday or if you haven’t talked to them or seen them in awhile. And it may cause you to react with resentment or anger towards them which then gives them ammo to make you seem a certain way. In reality you are just reacting.
Make your own closure. Write a letter to them, that they won’t see, expressing all your emotions, no holding back. Let all the emotions flow through you and express that anger and hurt and sadness. Sit with those emotions for a little. And then get rid of that letter.
Then write a new letter from them of what you wish they would have said to you. Let them acknowledge you in the wrong they have caused in the letter and have them apologize to you. At the end say I accept and release. Sit with it and close your eyes and genuinely feel yourself releasing these emotions.
Dealing with a narcissists is exhausting, taxing, and heartbreaking. It can feel like a constant roller coaster. But the more knowledge you have about how to deal with them and the more you accept that this is a mental illness, the stronger you will be to be able to leave or face them better. Taking your power back. You are not crazy. They are doing things to you and you will get through this.
What do you guys think? Have you dealt with a narcissist or currently dealing with one? Do you have any more tips to share? Leave it all in the comments below!
