Understanding The Mind Of A Narcissist

Society tells us a narcissist is someone who just only is a vain person who is usually about themselves. Although that is partly true that is only the half of it. There are different types of narcissists but they all have one thing in common, they are master manipulators.

That is why it is hard to pinpoint narcissists because they make themselves look a certain way.  They can be the favorite neighbor, the favorite guidance counselor or favorite teacher. But behind closed doors, it’s a different story. There are three types of Narcissists. Even though there are different types, they could be a combination of two or three of the types:

Overt- These guys are loud, outspoken and they are always right. They are also known as bullies.

Covert- These Narcissists are sneaky and more manipulative. They pretend to be kind but in reality, they just use people.

Vindictive- They are the most dangerous. These Narcissists are very outspoken like the overt but they will do anything to destroy their victim.

The way I see narcissists is that they are abused people still stuck in the age they were abused. They do have hearts and emotions but that is overshadowed by their abusive behaviors and need to be liked/admired. They have an inflated sense of self-importance which makes them self-centered and unable to be empathetic. Their upbringing is what made them that way and they became this way in order to protect themselves from their abuse.  It is rather sad when you think about it but it can be hard to empathize with a narcissist. Here are some things narcissists do that make them hard to be around.

Every “Selfless” Act They Do Is For Their Benefit

Narcissists can be confusing because they can seem so nice or giving to the outside world but at home, they switch between being nice and being abusive.A.KA their false self and their true self.  Every time they do anything nice or what looks selfless to the outside world, they do it to make them look good or to fulfill a need of theirs. They want to be liked and admired and fear rejection. That is also how they confuse and keep their victims around. They will do nice things that will make their victim question if they are really that bad after all. Or it will make them think if they were really abusive then they wouldn’t do this. They do those things to gain something.

You Can’t Reason With Them

In healthy dynamics, you should be able to listen and acknowledge what the other person is saying and vice versa. In dynamics with Narcissists, you can’t get them to see how their negative behavior affects you. You may have tried to explain how something makes you feel or why something is wrong, hoping this will help them change. In reality, they can’t see past their own viewpoints and feelings. They will either act as if you are lying/making it up, think you are trying to attack them or even act like they are listening but then later use that information against you.

And because you can’t reason with them, that logic part of their brain also isn’t as effective. They will do things based on their feelings not necessarily what’s in the best interest of others. If you don’t follow you will feel their wrath.

They Need Constant Attention And Validation

Whenever the attention is on someone else they may find ways to make it about them so the attention is on them. They constantly want all eyes on them whether they have to it through negative means or by gloating/bragging. Narcissists will call everyone up when something negative happens like if they had an argument with someone, to make others validate their feelings. They need a constant feeling that they are right and they have people on their side. Narcissits may even get others to do their dirty work and get the ones close to them to take care of people that are “mistreating them.”

They Don’t Take Criticism

Narcissist gives criticism like nobodies business but when it comes to taking it, you better think twice. Remember they became this way to protect themselves from past abuse so any type of criticism takes them back to that time and makes them feel attacked. They may try to defend themselves instead of listening, they may attack or lash out, or they may punish you with things like silent treatment.

Listen nobody likes criticism it can be hard to hear for almost everybody but its the way you respond to the criticism that matters. Narcissists respond in such a poor way that it is unhealthy. Constructive criticism is healthy, it helps us feel like we can be open and honest and it leaves room for the other person to grow. Narcissists respond in such a poor way to criticism that they can’t take in what you are saying or grow.

Make You Feel Like You Need Them

Narcissists love to be needed. They will say subtle things so you always feel like you can’t be without them. They will say things like “What would you do without me?” or ” See if I didn’t help you, it wouldn’t have happened.” Always making sure you feel like you need them and you can’t be independent or do things without them. This is one of the ways they trap you and make you feel like you should praise them for how much you need them.

Try To Control You

One of the narcissists main tactics aside from manipulating is to control. They love to try to control the people around them when it comes to their views, the way they behave, the way they talk and act. It may even come down to trying to control your money, who you hang out with, what food you eat, and what you do every day. They will say things to make it seem like they love and care about you so you don’t realize it is actually controlling behaviors.

Misrepresenting Your Thoughts And Feelings

Since narcissists think everyone should think like them, and if you don’t, they will go out of their way to make it look like your feelings and thoughts are absurd. If you tell them someone is hurting your feelings they may come back with ” so you think everything is everyone else’s fault, maybe you are the problem?” In reality that has nothing to do with anything, you were just trying to share your feelings. By doing this, they are trying to confuse you about what is right and wrong when it comes to their behavior towards you.

They often think they know what you are thinking and feeling. Narcissists will often jump to conclusions based on their own delusions rather than evaluating the situation. They will put words in your mouth and twist your words so they make it seem like you are meaning things you are not saying at all. That even means sometimes accusing you of thinking badly of them when you didn’t say a word.

They Think They Are Everyone’s Teachers

Because narcissists have a grandiose of oneself, they think they are the worlds guides. They only care about their views and their opinion and if you don’t agree then you are bad and stupid. And they then think they have to teach you “the right way”. They also will “teach” one thing but won’t apply it to themselves. So you will see a lot of contradictions or hypocrisy when it comes to the narcissist.

Turn Subject Onto Self

Anytime you want to talk about something going on with you or exciting news or what have you, they will find a way to dismiss you and turn the subject onto themselves. So if you had a hard day, they had a harder day. If you want to tell them a story, their story is more interesting than yours. If something is going on with you, they have something going on that you need to hear too. They may start to talk about your topic but somehow it will turn towards themselves.  It is normal in everyday conversation to talk back and forth and share topics or stories. the difference with Narcissists is they will dismiss you.

Manipulate Everyone Around Them

Narcissists want people around them to behave in a way that they think is best and to their benefit. So they will use people as tools and find ways to get their victims to say what they want, act how they want and do what they want. Narcissist will do this through subtle ways like shaming you, minimizing you, gaslighting you, and turning people against you. I’ve written in depth about manipulation and emotional abuse that they are known to do.

Invade Boundaries

To a narcissist, boundaries don’t exist because they don’t consider you a person with their own thoughts and feelings but rather a doll they can manipulate and toy with. Your boundaries don’t exist to them, and they will always test them to see how far they can go. They may go through your things and then when you get upset they will say things like “No it’s fine I can look! I’m your family, we shouldn’t keep secrets.” They will push on things and make you feel guilty if you don’t abide.

Deflect Blame

Everything always seems like it is your fault. Somehow in someway the narcissists will find ways to turn things around so you are to blame. It ranges from little things like being late to bigger things like you are the reason why they behave in a certain manner like yelling at you. They do this because it makes them feel superior.

Constant Hot/Cold Behavior

Being around a narcissist can feel like a roller coaster. You never know what reaction you are going to get. One day you could do something and it won’t be a big deal and the next you could do the same thing and it would be the worst thing in the world. They could fight with you or do extremely abusive things and within the same minute act like nothing happened. Their behavior is always inconsistent and its hard to predict. This will give you that “walking on eggshells” type feel.

They also may give random gifts or “love bombing” and then the next minute they will be devaluing you, being condescending, and making you feel all around horrible. The constant confusion makes it hard to determine if something is wrong or if you are just crazy. They want you to constantly question yourself so its hard to form an actual opinion

Inability to Self-Reflect

Most people are able to go through situations in life and self-reflect and think of ways they can improve. Narcissists think about how everyone else is the problem or everyone else is hurting them and that the people around them need to change. Because of this mindset, they can’t acknowledge when they do things wrong nor apologize for them. And if they do apologize it’s an inauthentic apology because others are watching or they want it to look like they are sorry so you stick around. That is one of the reasons why it is unlikely a narcissist will change their behavior.

Narcissists are rather abusive people and depending on how narcissistic they are, it’s important to be around them with caution or maybe not even at all. Because they can’t self-reflect and lack empathy it is unlikely they can get better. There is still a possibility but it is a smaller chance than with other mental illnesses. They think nothing is wrong with them so they wouldn’t go to a therapist. The only reason why they would is to go with their victim so they can re-enforce that their victim is the crazy one.

What do you think? Have more to add? Have you ever dealt with a narcissist? Leave it in the comments below!