If you have been around a narcissist, you know that it is very stressful and confusing on how to deal with them. They know what makes you tick, how to push your buttons, and hot to get a reaction out of you. It can cause you to feel defeated and question how to deal with this person. Before knowing how to respond to them, it is first important to understand why they provoke.
Narcissists see everybody they come across as supply, they can not have genuine connections as they are a shell of a person. They make decisions based off of ego because their ego is very bruised. Narcissist’s never really formed a sense of self, they never learned their wants and needs since they were never validated as children. They are children stuck in their abuse.
So the only way they feel validated as a person is when they manipulate and control. They became this shell of a person that feels the only way to get their way or get their wants and needs met is by manipulating and controlling. One of the ways that they control and manipulate people is by provoking them and getting a reaction. That is the way they get their supply, feed their ego, and feel like they matter or their wants and needs are met.
In the beginning, they will test the boundaries and look for ways that they can get a reaction out of you. They are trying to see how can they manipulate you, how can they get a reaction out of you, what kinds of things cause you to react in a positive or negative way. Whether you react in a negative or positive way, it does not matter because you are still feeding their supply.
When they feel like you are not doing exactly what they want or you are “misbehaving.” They will then look for and provoke a negative reaction. And then they will be more positive towards you when they feel like you are feeding/stroking their ego in a good way. This basically means you are doing or saying things that they want.
So if you ever challenge them and their delusional reality or you rebel against them or you are not being exactly how they want, this is when you see them provoking you. They are not aware of themselves and they do not know how to communicate what is going on. Narcissists are basically like a child where they will look for negative attention like a child does when they don’t know how to communicate. They will then love bomb you afterward to get you to remember why you love them in the first place. it is also a way to ” erase” the bad things. Or if they see you drifting away, they will also start to be more positive or love bombing you and giving you all the things you want.
Narcissists will try to remind you of why you got hooked on them in the first place. It is a cycle where they get you hooked and then manipulate, control, and emotionally abuse you when you’re not being how they want but then love bombing you when you’re distant or stroking their ego. They are afraid of abandonment and rejection so when you’re distant they become terrified so they want to lovebomb you to get you to stay.
They don’t know how to deal with these emotions nor are they aware they have these emotions. So they want you to do exactly what they want but they do not want to admit or deal with the fact that you are a human with feelings, wants, and needs too.
The part of your brain that involves your decision making also involves your emotions. So when a narcissist creates fear in you, it then causes you to make decisions based on that fear. This is a tactic salesmen use, they know your decisions and your emotions are connected so they will try to sell you things based on emotion. The narcissist uses the same tactic. That is how they bully you and get you to do the things they want. Later on, you will question yourself and why you did that. It is because they scared you or made you feel like you had to. Now that you know that, it is important not to make decisions when you’re provoked or scared. They are trying to trap you.
It is natural that when someone provokes you, you will get angry or defensive. You feel like you’re being attacked so of course, you’ll get defensive. You want to defend your character as they are assassinating your character. So when you react, they got you exactly where they want you. They want you to fit that narrative that they’re the victim and you’re the bad guy. Narcissists can’t see what they’re doing, they only see what you’re doing. When you’re reacting in a negative way, they think you are abusing them or doing terrible things to them and they are not doing anything. They genuinely feel they’re caring and loving and you are being terrible. Remember they always want to take the victim role.
This is the way they gaslight you and keep you in that place. They say things like ” look at what you’re doing to me, you’re abusive, you’re terrible, the bad guy”. This tactic is used as a way to trap you, they got you right where they want you. So you want to make sure you don’t fall into that trap.
The way to deal with this is to make sure you’re responding and not reacting. What that means is that a reaction is like an impulsive, it is reacting with your emotions. it is immediate, defensiveness, ego. It’s you feeling like you are being attacked and needing to go in survival mode. Responding is basically where you take the emotions out of it and you don’t give them that emotional response. You are responding in a way to disengage them but you also are making sure to protect yourself.
You are draining them of their supply because you are not giving them what they want. Then you will watch them react and turning it around on them. Rather than you flipping out, they then realize they can not get that reaction anymore. They see they can not get their way by doing that and that tactic does not work. Expect your narcissist to say things that are going to make you feel attacked, accuse you of things, downplay, or belittle your feelings. So expect these things. Once you expect you won’t be surprised when it happens.
Don’t get sucked into their stonewalling or when they are trying to make you admit you did something wrong when you did not do anything wrong. Do not apologize unless you actually did something wrong because when you apologize for something you didn’t do wrong, you are admitting you did something wrong which then makes you fit that narrative they are trying to portray onto you and it encourages them to continue to do that. Unless you believe you did something wrong, then do not apologize.
When your narcissist is saying these horrible things, when they’re pushing your buttons, you most likely get a feeling in your body. You may get tense, feel like you need to explode, or an impulse that you need to scream or defend yourself. So you need to recognize when you get that feeling. You may get it in your chest, maybe your stomach may be in your throat. Wherever or whatever it is, recognize it and know that is your sign to take a deep breath. Take a couple of deep breaths because that is a grounding technique that will help bring you back to where you are rather than reacting off of emotion. It brings back to your center and what is going on in the present.
The other thing is you want to empower yourself. Remain in control because you are in control. They can not control how you react or how you feel, you are in control of that. Even if they try to say that it is your fault and you made them feel a certain way, that is not true. No one is in control of our feelings. We are in control of our own feelings and the way we react to things.
So instead of doing your usual where you defend yourself or scream, whatever it is, tell yourself that you know your truth. You know what is right and you do not have to prove yourself to this person, they are mentally unwell. This is something I have had to do to stop reacting since I was so used to being in an angry reactive home. I always felt I needed to defend myself and trying to prove myself and my truth. In reality, I knew my truth, I let them get in my head and doubt myself. So you need to do that where you do not doubt yourself and tell yourself you know your truth and you don’t have to prove yourself.
After you have calmed down, you want to respond so some responses that you could say are ” You’re entitled to your opinion”. ” I’m not responsible for your feelings”. Or “I do not feel that way but it is fine if you do”. Or ” I can not control how you feel”. You want to say things like that where it is partially acknowledging them as they believe that. If you tell them they’re wrong, or you know the truth and things like that, it is just going to lead you to this big battle and you will be exhausted. you can not fight with a brick wall, you will never win. Fighting with a narcissist is a losing battle.
Rather than constantly defending yourself, you need to ask yourself something. What do you care more about, do you care more about being right, or do you care more about being happy? Because if you care more about being right, that again is ego and will lead you to react with your emotions. If you care more about being happy, that is when you will make decisions to be at peace.
You won’t always be perfect at it and sometimes you will mess up and that is okay! You just try again next time. The goal is to remain in control as much as possible and this doesn’t just help with a narcissist, it helps with anyone that tries to get under your skin.
What do you guys think? How do you respond to a narcissist? Have any stories you would like to share? Leave it all in the comments below!
