Have you ever wondered why you are the way you are in your relationships? Were you ever distant, nervous/insecure, or comfortable in your relationships? There is a theory that may be able to explain that for you. It is called attachment theory. This theory is based on an experiment that a psychologist performed in 1958.
Your attachment style affects you as an adult. How this affects you as an adult is that from these attachments you learn your expectations and beliefs in relationships. It is important to understand your attachment style because it can help you understand more about you and how you are in your relationships. You understand your ability to connect with others. It also can help you to understand what you can do with this information to help yourself in these relationships in the future.
In 1958 a psychologist named John Bowlby performed an experiment where he had infants come in aged 12-18 months. He then had their parents leave and saw what happened with those children when their parents left. Based on his experiment he categorized in the infants in 3 categories. There was a 4th one that Kennedy and Kennedy came up with, in 2004 but today we’re going to focus on the 3.
These made up 60% of the infants. What happened when the mother left is that the child was in distress when they were separated but when the mother came back, they were immediately comforted. What that means is that the parent is very consistent with the child. So that parent has made the child feel like it was a safe place where they can venture off and they feel like they can explore the world. The child has comfort knowing that the parent will be behind them.
You will feel very confident in your relationship. You feel comfortable with people depending on you as well as you feel comfortable depending on others. Your partner being free and independent is not something that bothers you and you feel very secure in your relationships. You provide and accept comfortable as well as you are independent but when you need something you feel comfortable going to your partner
How this affects your beliefs is that as a secure child, you believe that your child and others will be there for you because you have that experience to back that up. You parent was there for you.
This made up a smaller portion of infants, about 20%. When their mother left, they experienced extreme amounts of discomfort and distress. When the mother came back, the infant was then very angry and wanted to “punish” the mother. After the mother left they did eventually calm down but the minute they saw the mother, the infant cried and wanted her to know that they were not happy with her. But they wanted comfort as well.
What that means is that mother was very inconsistent. So sometimes the child’s needs were met and other times the child was ignored. With the inconsistency the child was anger at the mother. They felt the attachment was insecure. They did not know when they were going to get comfort or nurtured.
You worry others will not be able to love completely and you are easily angered or frustrated when your needs are not met. This is what I classify as the people that have abandonment issues and fear being abandoned. You feel unsafe and insecure and you need a lot to feel safe. you most likely are more desperate for acceptance and love. You want someone to complete you and is the person that feels like something is missing.
It feels like an empty feeling or there is a hole inside of you and you will try to fill it through other things like relationships, intimacy, work, alcohol, drugs. And because of this, you are constantly looking for safety and security and for a partner to complete you. When you do not receive that, you will do things to unintentionally push your partner away. Like give them the cold shoulder, yell at them, cry at them. You may act insecure, come off as clingy, very needy, demanding, or possessive. You will see things as potential signs that then enhance that anxiety that you’ll be abandoned or your needs won’t be met.
For instance, if your partner goes out with their friends instead of you, you may take that as your partner does not love or want you. You will see or take certain signs that you are unwanted. or you see certain things as ways to then enhance those fears.
The belief you have taken on is that people will leave you and you fear it. this is because this is what you experienced with your mother’s inconstancy. She was inconsistent with attending to your needs so no you have fears that your partner will not be able to attend to your needs. You will do things to avoid that feeling.
This attachment affected the other 20% of the infants. This infant showed little to no distress when the parent left and when the parent came back, they wither ignored their mother or avoided their mother. What that means is that the mother was abusive or neglectful toward that child. That child then did not want to be around the mother and actually had more comfort when she left because then they know they don’t have to deal with the abuse whether it was physical or emotional or neglect. So it did not matter if she left.
You show little to no care about being close to people and forming close relationships. And you would prefer people not to depend on you and you don’t want to depend on other people. So it may make you uncomfortable when people are trying to get close to you and to try to connect with you.
In your relationships, you may emotionally distance yourself from your partner. You seek isolation and you take on the role of parenting yourself. So you are extremely independent and you often come off as focusing on yourself. Your belief that you have formed is that no one is worth getting close to and it makes you uncomfortable when people try to get close to you. It makes yiu uncomfortable or nervous when others try to get close to you or are more intimate with you.
This is because that is what you experienced. What you have felt as a child is that you can only depend on yourself, you can not depend on anyone else and it makes you really nervous when people try to connect with you because it is almost getting in your space. you had to parent yourself and that was your safe place. You know consistently that your mother was neglectful or abusive towards you so you now feel like everyone else is dangerous too and all you have is you against the world.
It is important to understand your attachment style so it can help you to understand yourself and how you work in your relationships. If you have a secure attachment, you’re good. You have problems just like everyone else but when it comes to your attachment and in your relationships, you’re okay.
When it comes to insecure attachment that shows that you need to work on yourself and also making sure that you create that safe environment of feeling comfortable depending on yourself and not feeling like you need a partner to complete. You don’t need someone else to make you feel secure, you can feel secure on your own. And you need to learn that trust and that you do not need someone else. They are just the extra.
When it comes to avoidant attachment, you need to learn that it is a safe place that you can depend on others and they will not treat you the way that you were treated as a child. These are the different areas that you know you can work on and understand when you are with your partner, this is the way it has affected me and these are the things i need to work on.
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