If you have read my past posts you know I talk about how emotional abuse is tricky and well under recognized. I have talked about what emotional abuse is and signs you were abused as a child. The thing I have not gotten into yet (except for today) is how to heal from emotional abuse.
There is no quick fix or easy answer for how to heal childhood emotional abuse. Just like with self love it is a journey and there will be breakthroughs and steps back. You have been suffering and struggling for so long it will take awhile to get to a place of normalcy.
Everyone goes through it and deals with it so differently. There isn’t just one quick fix for everyone or a magic pill. It takes time and different coping skills to get past it. Just like how everyone is unique, every recovery will be as well. But here are some things I think will be helpful when trying to recover from emotional abuse.
When recovering from emotional abuse there will be a lot of feelings. Some things you may have thought you have gotten past already and some things you just can’t get past no matter how hard you try. You may have noticed when feelings come up you try to keep busy or distract yourself from them and just not deal with them. You may become obsessive with certain thoughts as a good distraction or block it out entirely.
Those are the coping skills you developed to protect yourself. The moment we break out of these coping skills is the moment we know we’ll feel hurt. And we want to do everything to prevent that. So one of the first things to do is to work through those feelings.
Try to explore those feelings. It’s important to open the door so you can eventually close it instead of it always being half opened. Anger can be a tool for healing. Once you feel angry you can get to the other feelings. A lot of times anger is the first emotion and door way to the other emotions.
When the feelings come up acknowledge them, understand where they are coming from and why. This may need the help of trusted support or a therapist. It will be so hard at first and it will feel like the pain will never stop but it will. Nothing lasts forever including pain.
I always try to encourage my clients to journal. The effects of writing in a journal is so healing. Not only is it a safe place where you can express yourself freely and get all of the thoughts from your head out but it also can help you come to realizations you haven’t before.
It’s like your thoughts are a jumbled up puzzle and as you write, your brain unscrambles it and puts the pieces together. It will all suddenly make sense and feel like a weight has lifted off your shoulders. You will come to better understand yourself, your past and situations.
A lot of times abuse victims aren’t “allowed” to have their feelings and you bury them deep down or completely become out of touch with your own feelings. Writing them down is a good start to get back in touch with them if you don’t know how to even get started. It is normal to go through a wave of emotions. The most important part is to go through them, not avoid so you can get to the other side.
Now this sounds tough and unfair to do. You are probably thinking, what do you mean let go? like let them off the hook? You know that they should have been a better parent to you and they should not have done what they did. And you are absolutely right.
Unfortunately, they couldn’t be that person for you. And they never will. By holding onto who they should have been to you will only keep you from healing and giving you that false hope that they could be that person. Part of
If I ever was sad and brought up something hurtful my mom was doing to me she would scream” I’m sorry I’m not the mom you wanted! You need to let go of who you want me to be!” And even though she was saying it in a way to not take responsibility and to make me feel guilty, she actually made me realize I can’t expect her to be a healthy parent, she is right about that. I had to let go of the healthy mom I wish I had.
Something that can really help get past this is by writing a letter to your parent grieving over the loss of a mother or father you wish you had. Write all your emotions: angry, sad, jealous, etc. Whatever it may be don’t hold back this is for you and you only. Your eyes only! So no need to worry if they ever see it.
Then write a letter back pretending to be them of what you wish they would have said to you. Like an apology, you have always wanted and needed. This will help you release and let go of the past. But the past is to be left in the past when you are ready. There is no set time. We let go of the past when we are done with it.
You did not do anything to deserve the abuse you were dealt with. It does not matter how many times your parent made you feel like it was your fault they were being mean or it’s your fault why you were dealt this hand of cards. Nobody, not one single child in the world no matter what they have done deserves to be mistreated like that from a parent.
They are the ones with the default not you. Some are Narcissistic parents. Some parents were abused themselves and don’t know any better. And some struggle with mental illness like alcoholism or B.P.D and were put in a situation to take care of their child when they should not have been. Keep reminding yourself that over and over again no matter what. You never deserved the mistreatment you were given. Don’t let your parents voice telling you did, take power over you.
I always say one of the only good things about dealing with emotional abuse is you can learn exactly how not to behave or treat others. You can use your abuser as a guide of who you don’t want to be as well as what kind of people you don’t want in your life. Although sometimes victims get too caught up in not being like their abuser they become terrified that they are going to be like their abuser. Don’t let fear control or guide you.
You are already not like your parents by not wanting to be them and wanting to be better. Even if you made mistakes like them, it is never too late to turn it around and become better. And if you are confused what right from wrong is you can always get help from outside sources like therapist, trusted family/friends or even some trusted internet sources! You can always be better than them you aren’t doomed and being abused doesn’t make you helpless or destined for bad things.
In order to get past the past we have to go back to the past. Try saying that five times fast. The past is where all the healing starts. And it starts at the beginning when you were a child. It is healing to go back to little you and give yourself the nurturing and love you couldn’t get as a child. This is where we heal the damage done by our abusers.
Your inner child is the part of your personality that still reacts and feels like a child. I always say abuse victims a lot of the time get stuck at the age they were abused. And that is because they weren’t given the tools to move forward or grow. Although it is sad, it can be worked on.
I believe visualizations can be very healing for a lot of life’s troubles. Your brain can’t tell the difference between real and imaginary thoughts. That is why anxiety can feel so real, because your brain can’t tell the difference. And that can be used as a tool for healing.
When you look back at your childhood you remember all these awful things happening to you and how badly you were treated but what if you didn’t have to? What if you could imagine yourself getting love and support as a child?
Try closing your eyes and imagining little you. Remember a time when little you is sad, alone, angry, confused. Now imagine yourself crouching down and tell yourself everything is going to be okay and that you love them. Tell them everything you wish someone would have said to you. Be understanding and compassionate towards little you. It is okay to cry, it is okay to feel like you need to stop suddenly. It can be very traumatizing. Just do it little by little and you can do it with as many memories as you want or as many times as you feel like you need to.
And it is okay if this isn’t a technique that works for you. Some people feel it is very healing and others feel it hurts them. It’s good to try whatever works for you and not force it.
When you grew up in an abusive home you did not get the nurturing, love or support you needed. Instead you were given criticism, neglect and torment. You were deprived of basic things every child needs. So because of that you have gone through your whole life with what feels like an empty whole in your heart.
Something feels like it is missing and you are always trying to fill it whether that be through intimacy, relationships, work, drugs, or sex. And it may go away for a little or you’ll be distracted for a second but when the high goes away from those things that hole still is there.
That is because the empty feeling is from not getting the love and nurturing you needed as a child. It isn’t something that can be fixed by those other distractions. Your abuser could have manipulated you to think what they were doing was love or that you were loved but it was not genuine love. Genuine love does not come with conditions. An abusers love does.
So how do you do this exactly? Give yourself little love messages. Pat yourself on the back when you do something. Talk to yourself how you wish your abuser would have talked to you . Use a loving motherly voice. Say things like “I love you.” “I hear you.” ” I’m so happy you’re here.” “I forgive you.” “Everything is going to be okay, it’s okay.” “Thank you.”
Self soothe which means treat yourself with compassion, kindness, and care similar to how you’d imagine a parent would. Basically take all the ways your abuser used to talk to you and throw it out the window. There is a new way you are going to talk to yourself.
By nurturing yourself and “re-parenting” yourself you are filling that hole we talked about earlier. Because that was missing the whole time, and those other things you tried to fill it with wasn’t working because the problem wasn’t taken care of or identified.
This is really important when getting through life in general let alone healing from abuse. It is so important to feel like you can have people you can go to when you need a hug or shoulder to cry on. And this can be so hard for people especially abuse victims who feel they can’t trust others. usually attract narcissists or abusers or feel so incredibly broken they don’t deserve support.
We are social creatures, we need each other to survive! Feeling like you don’t have support feels like you are trying to survive. It’s time to stop feeling like you are only surviving and start living the way you want to.
This is the time to go out and meet new people. Find genuine people you feel comfortable opening up to or share similar stories. There are lots of support groups out there that meet up as well as things online. The things you have learned about narcissists and what to watch out for well help you notice those red flags and know who to watch out for. You are worthy of help and support as much as the next guy.
There are so many benefits to meditation. Meditation is basically when you take a part of your day like ten or more minutes and focus on something without judgement. So for instance you focus on your breath or imagine yourself on a beach. Its taking time away from your normal thoughts and focusing on something that can help bring you back to reality or enforce good feelings all over the body.
Meditation can help retrain the brain from anxieties, sadness, pains etc. It helps you to understand your pain, reduce racing thoughts, become more self aware and lower your stress. Now it isn’t a cure all but it helps with creating healthy behaviors for yourself. I am not that skilled in the field of meditating but I would highly suggest looking into it for yourself. It feels good to feel at peace and calm during the time of meditation.
Emotional abuse is one of the worst things a child can endure. It is lonely. terrifying, confusing and heartbreaking. And that is why it’s important to treat yourself with care, compassion and love.
What do you think? Do you have a healing story to share or ways to get past emotional abuse? Leave it all in the comments below!
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