Emotional abuse is an abuse that isn’t recognized enough and is tricky to see. It’s tricky because people aren’t always aware its happening and people aren’t as educated about it like they are with other abuse. Psychologists say emotional abuse may be the worst abuse of them all because of the psychological damage it causes. It is especially damaging when experienced through childhood.
It doesn’t matter if your upbringing was a little abusive or extremely abusive, abuse is abuse and no matter what, the results are still damaging. You could have all your physical needs met like dinner on the table and clothes on your back but still have dealt with abuse. You could have had fun times with your abuser and moments where they made you feel really bad. So don’t belittle your experiences because someone you know may have had it worse. In an earlier post I wrote what emotional abuse is and the different ways it can happen. You may have dealt with things like threats, mocking, manipulation, shame, guilt, name-calling. If you notice you can relate on any of these signs, consider seeking help. Here are the 10 different signs you were emotionally abused.
When you grow up in an abusive home you feel like you have to worry about every little thing to prevent potential lash outs. They aren’t physical lash outs but mental ones. Abusers can be very unpredictable and one moment of the day they could be happy and the next they are screaming at you. Something you did could be okay one day and the next it could be the worst thing in the world. This can be very confusing for a child, not knowing which way mommy/daddy is going to react.
On top of the unpredictability, you knew there were certain things you could not do or there would be extreme consequences. All of this made you feel like you had to “walk on eggshells” around your caretaker. This constant worry and the unknown of how your abuser was going to treat you caused great anxiety. Now because of that, today life may make you anxious and you still feel like that helpless child that doesn’t know what way people are going to react to you and if you are going to be “punished”. Today you may be fearful of all things in life because of what you were taught and how you were treated.
Abusive parents or family members made sure to make you feel like you were not good enough. It could have been done in the most subtle ways. They could act like they are kidding but you are the butt of the jokes and they’re hurtful. They could always make little comments and digs. When you bring up that it bothers you they tell you, you are being sensitive or it was “just a joke.” This is not only abusive but it makes you feel bad about yourself and like your needs don’t matter.
When you are a kid you don’t have that logic and reason yet. You can’t understand that they are the ones that have the problem and shouldn’t be talking to you like that. So whatever your parents said to you, you took it in and wondered what was wrong with you that you weren’t worth their love. Now that you are older you have that “I’m worthless” mindset.
In these types of environments, basic needs always seem to be a problem as well. Especially if you are the target of the abuse. Your needs weren’t really met or you were made to feel that your needs were an issue, whether it was comfort or you needed help with something. They couldn’t give this to you. Because of this, it made you feel like you weren’t worth all of your needs and you feel like your worth is less than others.
In some families, sufferers were taught that they weren’t allowed to make their own decisions. Their abuser claims they are better at it and “knows whats best.” They can manipulate and make it seem like they’re caring but this is not caring at all. It’s actually a way to undermine the child and make them feel not well enough to make their own decisions. You will grow up and be unsure in your own decision making and in yourself altogether. You may notice yourself need others approval before making any decisions or just avoid making decisions at all as much as possible. Ever notice that you have a hard time with forming opinions? That also in a way is too much like making a decision.
If you were emotionally abused then the chances of you being emotionally neglected are very high. As children, we look to our mothers and fathers for nurturing and comfort. If we don’t get the nurturing and mothering we needed as children, we grow up feeling this empty hole in our heart. You may go around feeling like somethings missing or looking for outside sources to fill this hole. Usually, when we feel empty we’ll turn towards drugs, alcohol, intimacy, sex, work or relationships, anything that can fill the empty feeling. But none of that fills that empty space or fulfills whats missing.
As children our parents are our world, they are supposed to be our heroes and if they treat us badly and lie and manipulate us then who can we trust? This is especially that case if we are taught not to trust ourselves and our decisions. Trusting yourself is especially hard if you grew up in a household with a lot of gaslighting. Gaslighting is when abusers do something or say something and then deny it ever happened. It causes you to doubt your own memory and perceptions. This lack of trust in yourself will cause you to not trust anyone or anything or it will cause you to trust the wrong people.
Emotional abusers often control and need to feel needed and will do whatever it takes to make you feel that way. They may do this by trying to control you and your decisions. Abusers will make you feel like you have to ask permission for things healthy families don’t, which creates more feelings of dependency. If they are constantly involved in your life and make you feel not good enough, you will learn you can’t trust yourself and need their help. Growing up this way will make you feel like you can’t be without your caretaker. If you start to get away from them, you may feel guilty or like you need them to help you with daily life.
Co-dependence is when you enable or support your partner’s addiction, poor mental health, or poor behavior. Growing up you probably found yourself enabling your abuser so you didn’t have to deal with the consequences. You would say or do things just to prevent any type of backlash. This makes you a target for unhealthy codependent, manipulative relationships. You will completely disregard any of your needs and feelings to appease your partner just like you did as a child.
When we grow up with little compassion, understanding or empathy we tend to search for it and give it out or we don’t know how to recognize it and accept it. For people that give it out too much, they feel the burden of others issues so strongly. They also may always be searching for others to give them this compassion they longed for. They give it out because they want it so badly. For people that don’t know how to accept sympathy, when others give it to them it makes them uncomfortable. They don’t know how to take it or how to react. You may even find it hard to sympathize with others in general since you never experienced it.
Being put down as a child really enforces that negative self-talk. You were constantly conditioned to think negative about yourself. This then molded the way you think of yourself and talk to yourself. Also, you may notice yourself struggle with your emotions in general which will cause you to have negative reactions like being overly angry. Negative things usually happened to you which will cause you to think negative things about yourself or just life. You may feel like you have your abuser’s voice in the back of your mind reminding you of all the things they said about you.
When it comes to emotional abuse, getting blamed for almost anything and everything is a major thing you probably dealt with. Abusers don’t take responsibility for anything. If they do, they’ll word it in a way that still doesn’t take responsibility or it casts blame on you. You were taught to take every situation and make it your fault. Some self-blame and self-reflection is healthy but not the way you were taught. You were blamed for anything that went wrong in your abusers’ life. Even if it wasn’t your fault. This taught you to constantly unhealthily blame yourself for everything.
Criticism means the disapproval of someone that points out our problems or faults. If you grew up with people that constantly criticised you whether it was to you, in front of your face talking to others or they took secret digs at you, it’s going to be hard taking any criticism. Everyone copes differently to constant criticism they endured. Some people form this protective ego and if anyone says anything to them that challenges their ego then prepare for extreme defensiveness and anger. There are people who become defensive in general and will point the finger back at you. Some people when criticized turn it inwards and self-harm or do drugs. Any criticism is going to bring you back to the hurt you felt as a child. As well as the feeling that you were insignificant and not good enough.
When you are a child, all you really want is your parents or caretakers love, safety, and acceptance. So you may have done whatever it takes to get their attention, to notice you and to love you. No matter what, it still wasn’t good enough. Fast forward to current day, what people say and think of you is huge to you. This leaves room for you to be easily manipulated.
You will do whatever it takes to get them to like you or give in to what they want even if it goes against what you want. You may even do whatever people want out of fear of disappointing them or getting “in trouble” like you grew up with. Your wants and needs are always on the back burner because you will change yourself and do what others want, just for the hopes that it’ll please them. Just like when you tried to please your abuser.
“There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.”- Laurel
You don’t have to have all these signs to have been emotionally abused. Every person was abused differently and it affects them differently. I’m so sorry that you were treated so badly and you now have trauma today. The only thing we can do from here is to educate ourselves and learn coping mechanisms to get past it. I struggle with articulating myself but I hope I got the point across for the most part. There are more signs that show you’ve encountered emotional abuse. If you enjoyed this post I’ll make a part 2.
What do you think? Could you relate to anything on here? Do you have an experience that you want to share? Or any more signs you want to add? Leave it all in the comments below!
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