Do you ever find yourself attracting narcissist after toxic person after abuser? Do you ever wonder why and you can’t quite put your finger on it? Don’t worry you aren’t alone! Most people aren’t aware of why they attract the wrong people. All they know is they do it again and again and they wonder, is it just me? Am I crazy?
Nahhh don’t worry you are not crazy! Just hurt and unaware of how things affect you to make the decisions you do. You may think a past event or a personality trait has nothing to do with why these people keep coming around but it most likely does! And no I am no way shape or form saying it is your fault. Because it isn’t! It is something deep deep down in your subconscious that you aren’t unaware of.
Don’t stress, the people you allow in your life can be changed! You are not damaged goods. Here are some of the reasons why you attract narcissistic abusers:
Being a victim of past abuse makes us more prone to being a victim again. Especially when we grew up with emotional abuse from our parent/guardian/family member. Emotional abuse is so sneaky and hidden most aren’t aware they were abused as a child. It is their normal. So when you are abused as a child, you are less likely to see that abusive behavior as toxic when you form relationships as an adult.
Not only that but we are either attracted to people similar to our parents or people that are the opposite of our parents. Think back to the people you have let in your life. What ways are they similar to your parents? In what ways are they different? You may notice if you had an abusive or narcissistic parent some of the people in your life have similar traits as them.
Growing up with abuse usually more times than not opens the doorways to the other reasons you attract narcissistic abusers. The abuse you encountered opens wounds and hurts your developing personality. The abuse leaves scars and sometimes unhealthy coping mechanisms.
What you can do: Being aware helps. Understanding your past and how it affects you today can bring light to a lot of your issues. You can become aware of the traits of your past abusers and what to look out for when letting other people in.
Being an empath means you feel the emotions, thoughts and energy of others so strongly that you often take them on as your own. Narcissists look for people like empaths because it is easy to take advantage of someone who will feel bad for them. They can use it as a tool to manipulate you and always make you feel what they want.
Being an empath comes from seeing a lot of bad and hurting for others. Or even from being neglected when it came to needing emotional love and support. So you want to give what you didn’t have to others.
What you can do:Boundaries are really important when you are an empath. You can’t help how deeply you feel for ones around you but it is important you know you can’t always do something about it. Especially if it jeopardizes you. It is okay to do things sometimes but it also important to say no as well. The more boundaries you put up, the less likely you are to be controlled and manipulated.
This is a big reason why people become victim to abusive narcissist. Because most victims are empaths. They will want to fix the broken qualities of the abuser or do whatever they can to please them so they aren’t upset. You will constantly give, give, and give. You will feel like you have to fix whatever is going on with them. Or please them so they won’t grow angry with you or if they are already angry, will be nice to you again.
This again stems from your childhood of always feeling you have to fix the broken people in your life or trying to just keep the peace. You may feel like it is your responsibility to take them on and if you won’t then who will? You just want them to be happy.
What you can do: Stop making other peoples feelings your responsibility! Because they aren’t. You can’t make everyone happy all the time because at the end of the day who goes to bed unhappy? That’s right it’s you! Set those boundaries of knowing when you need to take a break and not go out of your way to do something. Understand that you aren’t responsible for saving the world and the people in it. People only change if they want to change. Save that energy on someone who actually shows they want to be better.
Narcissists love to find people that are easy to manipulate and if you have low self-worth that is the perfect person to control and influence. They will purposely prey on your insecurities and bring attention to them to keep you from realizing you are worth more than their abuse. The less secure you feel the less likely you will leave or question them.
This, in turn, becomes the thoughts ingrained in your mind. You will constantly tell yourself the negative things you hear which continues to make you feel worthless. You telling yourself you are bad, attracts “bad” people.
What you can do:Aside from cutting anyone in your life that makes you feel that way, love yourself again. Tell yourself you are worth good things! Challenge that negative self talk. Give yourself compassion. Go do nice things for yourself! Make yourself feel good. Surround yourself with people that make you feel loved and feel good.
Part of the cycle of allowing people that hurt you into your life is losing the ability to trust yourself. Narcissists will try to teach you that you can’t trust yourself, that you can only trust them. They will do things like gaslight you and make you feel like you are crazy. And that continues with the next abuser and the next.
That continuous cycle makes you trust yourself less and less to the point that you leave your trust in other people’s hands. You let abusive people determine what is best for you. And you are scared to trust yourself because you were told not to! They somehow manipulated you to believe that your intuition was wrong.
What you can do: Form a relationship with yourself. Speak kindly to yourself. Take time out for yourself and check your temperature. Ask yourself, How am I feeling? Make decisions for yourself without asking anyone else’s opinion. Be okay with possibly being wrong! Take risks! Be nice to yourself and be genuinely you. And if you lost yourself go do things to find yourself again. The best relationship you should ever have is with yourself. Because it’s you and you in the end.
Nobody actually likes to be cynical and think the worst. Nobody wants to look or feel stupid. We want to imagine we have good people in our lives and maybe it isn’t that bad? Maybe we are just being silly. We don’t want to deal with a potential painful reality. So ignoring red flags is much easier than facing them.
It also is similar to what I said earlier about lack of trust for self. You don’t trust your intuition or maybe you make excuses for them. Tell yourself you do similar things or downplay how bad it actually is. You’ll even rationalize that these things can’t be that bad because they do x,y and z. These are all ignoring red flags.
What you can do: Learn what genuine red flags are and stick to the rule of three strikes and you are out! Set boundaries and guidelines for yourself of how you want to be treated or will allow in your relationships. No more excuses or rationalizing. Everyone has their bad days and makes mistakes but there are certain qualities of abusive narcissists that should not be tolerated. Like being mistreated on a continuous basis.
So there you have it! A couple of reasons why you attract abusers and narcissists and what you can do about it. Just know you aren’t alone and it is all a learning experience. We all go through things. It is just a matter of learning and making a better change for ourselves. Narcissists will always exist but it doesn’t mean we have to allow them to dictate and ruin our lives.
Leave your stories and what you think in the comments below! What are some reasons you think people attract narcissists?
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[…] be seen as a vulnerability and others will try to take advantage of you. Those people are usually narcissists and abusive people. Empaths are the opposite of narcissists, while empaths feel for others, […]