Having a Narcissist in your life is one of the worst things a person can experience. Having a parent that is a narcissist is even worse. You are a child that is trying to figure out the world that deserves safety, nurturing, and love. Instead, you have a mother that gave you the opposite.
When you are a child and you get hurt or you are looking for affection, you are more likely going to want to go to your mom. The mother’s role is supposed to be the nurturing compassionate caregiver who validates you and kisses your boo-boo’s. When you have a narcissistic mother, you don’t have that. Your mother is a child that is stuck at the age she was abused at. So she will throw tantrums when she does not get her way, she is selfish and she is unempathetic towards you.
Having a narcissistic mother hurts on a different and deeper level than having a narcissistic father. That is because the mother is supposed to be the nurturer and when you don’t have someone that fills that role, it creates a hole in your heart. You will feel empty and like something is missing. This is because we need our parents for validation and love and when we don’t have that it will cause us to go to outside sources like fixing, people-pleasing, relationships, sex, drugs, alcohol, and work.
There is also an intense trauma bond when it comes to having a narcissistic mother. Her constantly telling you need her and the constant highs and lows will cause you to become addicted to her. So it can be hard to admit and realize she is abusive and narcissistic. No one wants to hear that their mother hurt them intentionally. And so it can be painful and confusing. You may think about how all your physical needs were met or how you weren’t starved so how abusive could she really be? But you do not think about how neglected or abused you were when it came to your emotional needs. The times you were lonely or hurting are forgotten and you don’t take into account that she was the cause of that.
The narcissistic mother plays many roles as well as she has each child fill a role as well. So she has the scapegoat which usually has a mind of their own and harder to manipulate and control. This is the child she blames everything on and neglects and abuses the most. Then there is the golden child which usually is the favorite and becomes a narcissist themselves. She subconsciously picks this child to be the most like her. She has high expectations of this child and this child can do no wrong unless it is against her wants which is when that child will be the target of her abuse.
Then there are the roles she plays herself. Every narcissistic mother is different so she may pick some of these roles more than others:
Codependent: This is the mother that needs to be needed and will punish you when you don’t. She wants you to depend on her. She will overly help you, overly cook, overly clean, assert herself in situations she does not belong in like your relationships and she does this to a point where you don’t learn how to be self-sufficient.
Neglectful and verbally and emotionally abusive: This is the mother that picks specific kids to take her inner anger and shame out on. This child may get less than the others, picked on more, and neglected in all ways. If you were to go up to her and tell her you were depressed she would say “depressions not real” or ” I am too” or “get over yourself.” When it comes to emotional needs she is not able to be there.
Image: Their image is very important. They see children as extensions of themselves. When the child is doing well she will be front and center and brag that, that is her child. When there are bad moments with their child when they got hurt she will again make it about herself where she will act as it happened to her. Or she will completely neglect that child and not be around when the child is experiencing something negative that they don’t want to be a part of. So all narcissists care very much about their image and oftentimes they will be seen as doing something loving but it has a hidden agenda behind it. Everything is image-based for instance your mom will make you lunch but she won’t hold you when you are crying. That is very confusing as a child. That is why it is so easy to be manipulated by your narcissistic mother because the abuse is so hidden.
Self-absorbed: All narcissistic mothers are extremely self-absorbed. No matter what she does it was for her benefit. Whether she wanted to get on your good side or she was love bombing you or she wanted to look good, it wasn’t for your benefit. She can’t think outside of herself.
Conditional love: When you did what she wanted, she probably was loving and nice or she seemed kind of normal. She received that positive supply from you. But when you didn’t say what she wanted, you made her look bad or you did something against her, you would feel her wrath. She will shame you, scream at you, throw a tantrum, gaslight you. She will make you feel like the worst person in the world. You had a mind of your own and she didn’t like that. Unconditional love is no matter what you do I will love you. Conditional is when it is circumstantial and when you do not do what I want then I will discard you and abuse you.
Couldn’t have a deep connection with her: It most likely felt very empty. When you would share things with her about you, she makes it about her or is hard on you. You didn’t feel you could connect with her and she feels like a shell of a person. The hugs felt empty. Overall you always felt like you were walking on eggshells with her and had to be careful what you said. There was still that need or want to share things because of that trauma bond.
No validation from her: She would belittle things you would say, turn it around, and never made you feel heard or acknowledged. Whether it was positive or negative feelings you shared with her. If you did she may make you feel guilty for what you are saying or completely gaslight you. For instance, if you shared you were unhappy at home she would tell you to be grateful that you have a loving happy home and you are lucky you are not in a shelter. She may at times make it look like she is validating you but really she is victimizing herself or manipulating you so it can be seen that way. (watch the video for more in-depth description)
Competitive: You will feel like you have to be a certain way or look a certain way especially when it comes to your looks, your weight, how you present yourself. You feel like you have to be the best.
The reason why I explained all of the above information is because one of the first steps is to understand. Understanding can help to better accept. You have to understand that this is nothing you could have done nor was it your fault for what happened. Accept that this is the way she is and there is no changing that. She is incapable of loving you the way that you needed. She is incapable of being a normal healthy person, incapable of having healthy communication. This can give you the relief of knowing she is incapable rather than trying to fight for her to change. You can not have a normal relationship with her and you can’t keep doing the things you were doing before. It will lead to more disappointment and more abuse. You have to accept that you will never have a normal functioning mother.
You have seen this first hand when you tried to have a normal conversation or tried to help her or tried to bring up your issues with her. She hasn’t changed so the only thing you can do is accept it. Your mom can’t be who you thought she was, who she made you believe she was and she can not be the mother you had wanted. Understand you did not deserve the treatment that you got. It is NOT your fault.
We all have an image or an expectation of how a mother should be or the mother we want. So with that, you have to mourn the loss of that mother. Mourn the loss of the parent you wish they were and mourn the parent you never had. So you need to sit there and experience all the feelings that come up and allow yourself to cry, feel anger, feel that pain. Allow your wounded inner child to feel. You can even write her a letter that she won’t see of you expressing everything you’re feeling. There will be different stages you go through similar to the stages of grief. You may need to go through different times in your childhood and nurture yourself through those moments. You will need to give little you the things that you didn’t receive. You will need to nurture and re-mother yourself.
How to reparent yourself is basically telling yourself the things you need to hear or you wish you heard as a child. Things like ” I love you” ” I’m sorry” ” everything is going to be okay” ” I got you.” Visualize adult you comforting little you. it will heal that emptiness inside yourself. You will feel you need fewer things outside yourself because you will be able to give them to yourself.
You get to decide how you would like to have a relationship with your mom. If you feel the relationship hurts you more than benefits you then you may need to cut her off. If they are hurting your mental health then they don’t deserve to be in your life. You don’t owe them anything. If you are in a situation where you can’t go no-contact or you feel they’re bearable then you need to have more low contact. This is where you share less with them and you mainly focus on protecting yourself and having healthy boundaries where you don’t react to them.
For more information on how to heal, watch the video above.
What do you guys think? Leave it all in the comments below!
1 Comment
Listening to this on top of 15 years of therapy a past with an eating disorder (now fully recovered) and in the acceptance stage learning how to mourn this loss. I found incredible clarity and peace with this. Also that I’m not alone. I liked the piece on “re parenting” or nurturing yourself. It’s a work in progress. Thank you for sharing. 💕 now I’m navigating how to possibly hold contact with strong boundaries to keep the peace but every so often as I’ve been told I wonder if it smart to do no contact. (It would be my second time) hard with the family dynamics. I’m 28 and spent my 20s breaking each stage of understanding. I appreciate you describing this so intricately and true.