Parents try to do the best they can but it doesn’t mean they are doing the best. They can be broken themselves and not have the tools to handle the hardships that come with being a parent. And because of this, it causes feelings of abandonment, mistreatment, and pain for the child. Some toxic parents aren’t aware and after becoming aware change and others don’t because of mental illnesses like narcissism.
It doesn’t hurt to try to mend your broken relationships but sometimes it’s healthier to not mend them. It’s important to understand when it can be worked on and when it can’t. It can be worked on if both parties are willing to do things differently to better the relationship. It can’t be worked on if one just casts blame or continues to do the toxic behaviors that made you feel this way in the first place. That is for you to decide what best works for you.
You can’t change or control your parents but you do have control over yourself and how you react to them. You becoming aware and changing how you react to your parents can have a totally different outcome then you expected. It is all a matter of how you handle it. So what are some ways to deal with a toxic parent?
One of the first things we have to do for ourselves in order to deal with abusive parents is to accept that they are not who we maybe wanted or needed. If you have exhausted other methods like talking to your parent or going to therapy with them and they aren’t willing to take the steps to better themselves and the relationship you then that’s when acceptance is healthy for you. They can’t be the emotional support we needed or can’t be what we thought a parent should be.
Your dynamic with your toxic parent will be much different than with your other relationships. In other relationships, you may be able to speak freely or be yourself but that can’t happen with abusive parents. With toxic parents, conversations may feel exhausting or like you feel crazy.
Understand that they won’t accept or acknowledge your feelings because they don’t know how. They can’t understand that they are doing something wrong because they lack the ability to self-reflect or lack empathy. You may even have to mourn over the parent you wish you had. The sooner you come to accept this the sooner you’ll be able to accept that it’s not your fault and they are not mentally healthy. You won’t feel like you have to fix them or feel like you want to bang your head against the wall trying to get them to hear you. Knowing that you tried and accepting that they are not the relationship you long for will help you move forward.
If your toxic parent talks about personal things you don’t feel comfortable going into or starts taking digs you can diverge the conversation. You can do this by changing the topic or using generic statements like “fine” or “okay.” It is unlikely their fire will be fueled if you are passive. If they try to give their unsolicited advice let them know hey thanks for the advice but I’m still doing what I am doing.
For instance, let’s say your dad always brings up religion and you have told him in the past that isn’t something you like to talk about or it makes you upset, understand he can’t understand your feelings so having the same conversation won’t work. Instead, use one-word acknowledgment words like “okay.” or “Yeah” and then quickly change the subject to another topic that will get him talking about that.
Don’t share anything too personal or bring up topics that trigger a certain response from them. Keep the conversation on them and things about them. If you don’t like how a conversation is going you have the option to walk away or leave the conversation. They may say things that make you feel bad or like you are doing something wrong but there is nothing wrong with walking away. Learn to set boundaries, they may try to disrespect your boundaries but stand your ground and reinforce them over and over. You don’t have to tolerate their abusive behaviors.
When it comes to abusive parents, a lot of times they will use bribes or use materialistic things to keep you around or even use it to hold it over your head. Try to remove yourself from that unhealthy cycle. Make sure you have a job, try to be on your own as soon as possible and try to take as little from them as you can to prevent those negative interactions or feelings of guilt or dependency. Toxic parents a lot of times will try to discourage you from becoming independent or use your dependency as a way to put you down. If you take some of that power away from them, they’ll have less to hurt you with.
You can’t exactly choose your parents but you can choose your friends, counselors, and people who can uplift you in your time of need. To make up for your lack of parental figures it is healthy to surround yourself with people you love, trust and will help guide you in stressful times. Your parents may not be able to be there for you but you can choose others that can.
There are instances when you maybe feel so fed up with the way you are being treated you feel you need to remove yourself and you are still deciding if you want them in your life. Removing them from your life gives you time to heal, reflect, see how things are without them and even possibly learn how to handle your toxic parent better. If you feel like you are in a place where you are at a standstill with your parent and there is a lot of hostility and anger between the two of you, removing yourself until you feel ready to open the communication would be really beneficial for you.
In some instances where the parent is too toxic, completely removing yourself from them may be what you have to do. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with removing yourself from an abusive parent. Just because they are family does not mean you have to tolerate mistreatment. You should not force yourself to be involved in a situation that is hurting you more than helping. It is totally up to you and people may try to dissuade you or make you feel bad. It’s all about what you are willing to tolerate and how much this parent affects you. No contact is of course last resort because not having your parents can be really hard but sometimes it’s what is needed & healthy for you.
Seeing people have normal relationships with their parents can be really heartbreaking and hard to deal with. That is why it is important for you to understand why your parents are the way they are, why you are the way they are and to come up with tools and coping mechanisms on how to handle them and the situation at hand. You got this.
What do you think? How do you deal with toxic parents? Do you have any experiences you want to share? Leave it all in the comments below!
2 Comments
I had to make the decision to step away from my own Mum. Ever since I was young, she chipped away at my confidence and self esteem and made me feel like I was so unworthy. When I grew older and had children, my daughter developed chronic health conditions and my son had learning difficulties, recently being diagnosed as on the Autistic Spectrum. She accused me of having munchaussens syndrome by proxy and turned my whole family against me. I have two brothers and a sister and two step-sisters.
I was abandoned by them all for 5 years and left to deal with my situation alone. It was incredibly difficult as I was told about all the things they did together or holidays they went on which were posted on social media, something friends or my own children told me about.
We tried to mend things a few years ago but I was let down once again, something I told them I was not prepared to tolerate anymore.
I’m the happiest I have ever been since I made my choice and I have my own little family to take care of and who love me for who I am. How blessed am I?
Thank you for sharing that. I’m so sorry you encountered so much and your family didn’t support you but rather turned their backs on you in your time of need. It hurts that much more when the reason is because of your own mom. I’m so happy to hear after stepping away from them your life is doing better! I hope you and your loving little family is doing good!