We all can behave in narcissistic manors from time to time but it is extremely different from behaviors that are like one to actually being one. When you are a narcissist you lack empathy, the ability to see outside yourself and your feelings. Narcissists crave control, admiration from others and controlling others view of them. It is a mental sickness not a personality trait. You can read more here where I explain the mind of a Narcissist.
Dating a Narcissist is a different game than having a family or friend that is a narcissist. It is the same where you feel manipulated and controlled by them but it is different in the way they control you. Intimacy is the biggest difference.
It is the same where you may not exactly be able to pin point what is wrong but you feel like something is very wrong. You feel like you can’t leave or become terrified to leave. You may feel like you aren’t strong enough or something is wrong with you and not them. These are all clear indications this is a narcissist you are dealing with. So lets get into the signs you may be with a narcissist.
In the very Beginning all narcissists are on their best behavior. They want to lure you in and impress you. You may be showered in compliments or gifts. They may seem like the nicest, most caring person. This doesn’t last forever as this is just a facade. It is a temporary face to gain your trust and love.
When things get heated, the threats come out. If you have kids that will be dangled over your head. If you do something they aren’t happy about they will threaten to embarrass you, or leave you, or take everything from you. Whatever is the most valuable to you, they will make sure to use that. Whatever you tell them, they will use it against you.
This is the biggest thing Narcissist want. This makes them feel powerful and important. Control has no boundary to them. It will start with little things like your outfits or what you eat or you can’t talk to the opposite sex. Things that seem like it isn’t that big of a deal or they may pass it off as caring for you.
Then it may move onto bigger things like your spending, where you go, what job you have, who you talk to. It will feel like they are trying to make you into the person they want and not who you are anymore.
Narcissists have no clue what a boundary is. And if they do the understand it completely wrong. They feel entitled. If you have ever told them to please not do something to you or to not talk about something, they will do it anyways. They will invade your privacy and space.
Things you have told them in confidence may be talked about outside of the relationship. In the bedroom they may do things you’ve repeatedly asked them not to. There is little respect for your boundaries.
We don’t have to always care what others think but when it comes to our most trusted friends and family, they are usually good indicators of what can be good for us. They can see as an outsider things we are ignoring or too scared to admit. Our friends and family will see either the narcissists mistreating you, see the difference in you and how you have changed since dating them or the narcissist will eventually show their true colors.
Your family and friends may try to help you out of the relationship or they may have to stop talking while you are in the relationship because they can’t handle you being with this person. They do not like them.
Intimacy is very important in a relationship. That is how we feel connected or disconnected from lack of intimacy. Intimacy is not just sex. It also is physical touch, being close to someone. It is feeling that closeness and Narcissists have no problem giving it as fast as they will take it away. They will use it as a tool to manipulate and control you.
If you don’t do what they want they may take sex away and randomly throw you a bone when they feel like it. As well as to get you to do what they want they will be intimate but only when they get what they want. Or they may be very intimate in the beginning and then take it away more and more later. It is a weapon not a pleasure to them.
Narcissists are very selfish and self revolved. You may notice when you talk to them about something happening with you, they will turn it to make it about them. That includes happy moments or struggles you are going through. Your happy moments are because of them. When you express you are unhappy it somehow will turn to them talking about themselves and how they have it worse in someway.
Other peoples events they will find a way to make it about them. Special occasions they will try to make it be about them. They need constant admiration and to be the center of attention so everything must be about them. They will always find a way to make it about them whether it is creating a scene or finding some way to make the attention go to them.
Narcissist want to isolate you because it is easier to continue to abuse you and control you. They want you to themselves. Just like with controlling this will also start slowly. They will ask you to cancel plans to do something with them. It will seem cute at first like they just want to spend time with you.
Then once they get comfortable, it will turn into them not allowing you to see your friends or family otherwise there will be a consequence. Phone numbers may be missing in your phone or messages will somehow wind up deleted. The only person they want you to see is them. The less people that see you the more they can continue to manipulate and control you.
Narcissists are really good at making something seem a certain way by manipulating others. So it is very easy for them to make it look like they care about your feelings. They will manipulate their words to make it look like they love and care for you.
In reality their actions do not match their words. Look at their actions when they claim to care about you. Do they stop being sarcastic and throwing digs at you when you asked them not to? What about when you fight and you try to express your feelings? Do they take in what you said and try to show any improvement or acknowledgement? Their actions show whether they care about you over their words.
A big red flag of something being wrong is if your significant other had a bad break up with majority of their ex’s or friendships. They will make it seem like they are the victim and everyone else is the problem. In reality they burn bridges easily and mistreat others and it ends badly.
However your significant other treats their ex is exactly how you will most likely be treated if something were to happen. Pay Attention to what their relationships were like and how they ended. It is suspicious if most of them ended because your narcissists s.o. claims they did not do anything or got mistreated.
One day something may be okay and the next day it may not be. It always feels like they are a ticking time bomb and you don’t know when they will go off. You will notice yourself paying close attention to the sounds they make to determine if it is safe or not. Like on days they’re angry their foot steps may be louder or they may sigh more.
You feel constant anxiety and like you are on edge because you don’t know what is coming. It feels like you are in constant fight or flight. You never know what will set them off. One day you could be laughing and joking and the next if you bring up the same thing you will get “in trouble.”
They will be nice again if they see you are starting to be distant or backing away and the cycle starts all over again.
Image is top priority to a narcissist. They want to be perceived a certain way to the public. Narcissists do things because it makes them look good or feel good, not because it benefits anyone else. Since they lack empathy they can’t put themselves in others shoes and how things would make others feel.
Narcissists can be charitable, they can be church leaders, therapists, teachers, nurses etc. They do it solely because it makes them look good, and they get admiration. Majority of the good narcissist do like buying you things or pretending to care about you is for their benefit to make them look good.
If you ever make a narcissist look bad there will be hell to pay. This includes physical punishment, being screamed at/lectured, and/or get things taken away.
Because narcissists will try to mold you into who they want and not respect who you are, you will feel like you have completely lost yourself. You may not recognize who you are anymore. Or you have become a completely different person where you are filled with anxiety and anger or sadness.
This is another manipulation tactic. They will try to “correct” your behavior by using sarcastic or mean comments but end it with saying they are telling you because they love and care about you.
They may say or do really hurtful things but try to brush it off that they are being loving and caring. Or they will try to make it seem like a joke and you are too sensitive and can’t take jokes.
It feels impossible to bring things up to them because of their lack of self reflection and inability to take accountability for their actions.
This is the type of manipulation narcissists do to make you feel like everything is your fault and they can do no wrong. This helps them to deflect their wrong doings and make you stay around longer to continue the abuse.
They will guilt you when you are upset about something and make it feel like you deserved it and it is your fault. When they do something wrong to you, they will make sure to turn it around and make it seem like you caused it. No matter what it is they will make sure to make you feel like everything is your fault somehow.
It doesn’t matter if you have reacted from their mistreatment. You could have had anger attacks, said things back etc. You still do not deserve to be treated the way you have been by anyone!
This is a big one. Gas lighting is when someone manipulates you so much it causes you to question your sanity. Because narcissists main tactic is manipulation it can feel like you have gone crazy. They will lie to you, throw digs at you, actually call you crazy, and make you feel like you deserve to be mistreated! How could that not make one feel crazy.
You are not crazy and all your feelings are valid. You are being mistreated, you are dealing with an abusive person and you are not the problem.
Dating a narcissist can be draining and exhausting. A lot of the times people are unaware they are with a narcissist. Your self esteem and confidence and trust become broken. You may feel trapped, helpless and filled with anxiety. There is help out there and you CAN get out. Just talk to someone you trust. It all starts with a plan.
What do you think? Do you have any more signs you would like to add? Do you have an experience you would like to share? Are you with a narcissist now? Share it all in the comments below!
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