If you have a narcissist in your life that means when they are in the devaluing stage or they’re in that stage where they’re looking for a negative reaction, they will try to start an argument. Arguments in a relationship are normal they’re healthy to have an argument but there is such a thing as an unhealthy counterproductive argument and that’s exactly what it is like when you have a narcissist in your life. The hardest thing about having a narcissist is there’s nothing you can do to prevent them from starting an argument but you can use different tools and tactics to make sure that you don’t get sucked into the argument. This then makes it so you wind up winning in the end and you can do all of this without actually arguing so that’s why today’s video we’re gonna talk about how to argue with a narcissist and actually win.
The first thing we have to talk about is understanding mindset when you’re in an argument. So let’s talk about the narcissist mindset. They are very delusional and they come up with crazy scenarios about you, about other people and they have this very false narrative of who they are. So you, as a healthy person, your first response is to feel confused. You want to know where are these accusations coming from and so your first reaction will be to try to set them straight, to try to talk about your truth, what you feel, what you believe, and your feelings. In a healthy relationship that’s normal to try to talk to the other person about what you’re feeling and what you think but with a narcissist it doesn’t exactly go the way it would with a healthy person. Narcissists project all of their shame and all of their negative views of themselves onto you, so that’s why they always try to make you about to be the bad guy. The narcissist is in a delusional state of mind, you’re more in reality if you are a healthy-minded person. You can use evidence and facts to back up what you’re talking about, the narcissist cannot they are in always a delusional state where they think there’s a certain narrative and you are this certain person.
The next thing is perspective. The narcissist can only see their perspective you can see different perspectives. They can only view it the way that they view it and they can’t see outside of themselves. You can try to view it from different points of view because you have more of that empathy and that ability to understand. They lack empathy so they cannot see outside of themselves and see a different point of view. Your goals are different as well. So their goal is to hurt you and get a reaction out of you. They are not able to communicate what they’re actually feeling so they’re just going to take low blows and take digs. They do this when they don’t like that you didn’t agree with them or you didn’t do exactly what they wanted so they are going to tear you down. This is because they’re trying to fit you in that narrative that they try to portray you as, they want you to act out of character so it reaffirms that belief in their mind that you are this terrible person you’re the bad guy. This is why reactive abuse happens because you’re reacting to the abuse and then they can say oh look you’re the person that I said you were. They are just trying to hurt you at this point.
Now if you are a healthy-minded person your goal is for some sort of resolution or for some sort of understanding. You want to be heard so as you can see you have two different mindsets and what happens when you have two different mindsets you wind up just going in circles. In a normal healthy relationship, it’s normal to want to see each other’s point of view. This is what you will want in the narcissistic relationship, you want them to not only see your point of view but to come to some sort of solution. But they only want you to see their point of view and they also want you to feel terrible about yourself.
The first thing is that you need to accept them and how they are they’re going to say absurd things. They’re going to say things where you’re going to want to correct them but you have to accept that they are not in a space where they can hear you out nor do they want to change their point of view. The narcissist is fully incapable, they have like a brain defect, they cannot hear what you are saying. Instead, they will always just dismiss you, belittle you, no matter how much you want them to be a healthy person where you can converse with them, they will never be that. And that’s the thing that you have to come to acceptance and terms with. There is absolutely nothing you can say to change them or their ability to have a conversation. You have to understand you cannot reason with a child which is basically that’s what they are, they are children stuck in their abuse. You cannot reason with someone that cannot self-reflect or cannot think outside themselves. Once you accept how they are you’ll be able to let go of that pressure and let go of that expectation and hope that you can have a normal conversation with them.
Don’t tell them your feelings. Please never ever tell them your feelings. Like I mentioned before when you are in healthy relationships it makes sense that you share your feelings they share their feelings you share yours and then you talk out your feelings and you come to some sort of solution. That is not what happens with the narcissist. They use your feelings as a weapon, as a tool. They use it as a way to use it against you and as a way to belittle you. It gives them leeway to tell you you are too sensitive and to mock you. Your feelings will be used as a way to further manipulate you or a way to just hurt you in general.
Another thing you have to understand is the more you try to explain yourself, the more you over-explain yourself, and the more you share, it is giving them a huge ego boost because subconsciously they’re like oh I’m able to get through to them. They feel they are getting a reaction from you because you’re taking the time a day to share exactly what’s going on with you. It’s more information they can gather to manipulate you further and you’re just over here begging them to please believe you but they’re not capable. The reality is, they do not care.
You will then notice you’ll wind up taking that in other relationships where you overly talk and overly explain yourself because with other people you’re like oh please believe me but they already believe you. You’re just so used to that narcissistic dynamic where you have to beg for a conversation and beg to be believed.
The next thing that’s super important is that you need to stay firm in your reality. Narcissists will try to take you out of your reality as much as possible. They’re going to use word salad where they say a bunch of things to confuse you like you put the car keys on the roof three years ago and you know you didn’t defend me against your mom. They’re going to bring up all these other things when really the argument was about the fact that you accidentally said something that triggered them. Or they’ll try to tell you that you did this certain thing and you did it on purpose even though they have no proof that you did it on purpose but they really believe that you did it on purpose. The narcissist will just constantly try to gaslight you and will try to change the reality of what’s going on.
That’s why it’s so important you have to remind yourself that they are not normal and nothing they say is trustworthy. Absolutely. Nothing. You cannot believe a word out of their mouth. They are always constantly trying to create these false narratives and that’s something that you always have to keep in mind. You have to turn towards yourself and say I know my truth, I know my reality, I believe what happened. Remind yourself that they are mentally unwell. You want to say these things to yourself over and over again because if you don’t then you’re going to try to seek the validation of them and try to get them to believe you. It’s so important that you make sure to validate yourself through this entire time because when you validate yourself and you know your truth, you know your reality, you won’t feel like you need them to believe you. You won’t crave for their approval or for them to change their mind because you already know. By doing this you are instilling that trust in yourself rather than trusting them which.
Also, another part you have to understand is when you immediately go to defend yourself and go on the defense, there’s a little part of you that accepts that it’s true. Then the narcissists subconsciously gets that ego boost because they know they got a reaction out of you and they think you believe it’s true. So then they’ll run with it. If you don’t defend yourself in the way that they’re wanting you to, then they don’t get that validation. It says a lot more about the person that is saying those things than it does about the person who does not go on the same level as that person that’s making all those accusations. This is because that’s what they’re trying to do, they’re trying to bring you on their level and you don’t want to go down to that level. When you don’t that is when you’re winning. So you don’t want to defend yourself in that way where you go on their level and you’ll keep trying to convince them but there is another way you can defend yourself.
So once you are able to stay in your reality, it’s a lot easier to respond to them rather than react to them. They’re trying to poke for a reaction and if you don’t give them that emotional reaction then they’re losing. It drives them nuts. So you want to respond rather than react. This is where you take the emotions out of it and you respond in a non-emotional way. You don’t want to call out the bad behavior saying like oh you know you’re being really mean or like look how you’re behaving because when you do that they will just turn it around. It doesn’t go anywhere so there’s no point in calling out the bad behavior. You would do that with someone who self-reflects but calling it out with a narcissit does nothing but increases their abuse so you don’t want to do it in that way.
One way you could call out the bad behavior is because they care so much about their image, you could say oh I wonder what people would think if you they saw you yelling right now or I wonder what people would think if they saw this happening. That can get two reactions one it will cause a narcissist to shut the hell right up because they care so much about their image or the narcissist will go on a little bit longer but then they’ll shut up. Since they’re so afraid of their image being tarnished they will care more about that then getting a reaction out of you.
Another thing is sometimes you have to have a certain conversation with a narcissist. For instance, let’s say you co-parent with a narcissist or there’s some sort of money situation you have to talk about whatever it is, sometimes you have to have a conversation. If they’re being really disrespectful in those certain circumstances or really just any circumstance, you could tell them hey listen I’m willing to have a conversation but if you’re going to behave like this I will not have the conversation or if you keep treating me like this I will not have the conversation. Then if they keep yelling then you just walk away which that also really triggers a narcissist because they do have a fear of abandonment and they do have a fear of not having that supply. If you walk away, you’re more in control and they are losing that control. So you always want to remain in control so you can let them know you will have the conversation but they have to stop acting inappropriately. This is a way for you to stand up for yourself. You’re not necessarily correcting their behavior where you want them to change and be a different person, you’re correcting the way that they treat you and what you will tolerate. That’s what you really want to focus on you with a narcissist you mainly want to focus on letting them know what you will not tolerate because they will not change. They will stop doing things and get new supply based on how much you are willing or not willing to tolerate it.
You also always have the option to walk away. So go somewhere else if they’re chasing around the house, which does happen. If they’re chasing you around the house, you can either leave the house or you can go in a closet or somewhere where they are not able to follow you around anymore. They’ll eventually cool off and forget about it because they’re a child that’s throwing a tantrum. You need to make sure that you stand up for yourself where you don’t allow this mistreatment but you’re not trying to correct their behavior so that they’re changing as a person, you’re just correcting the way that they talk to you or they treat you.
What do you guys think? Leave it all in the comments below!
2 Comments
This is the best website I’ve ever read while living with an NPD spouse and his daughter, it has helped me tremendously! Thanks for all you do on this condition, it is greatly needed!
Wow ! You answered all my questions ! Thanks Missy