We learn right from wrong from the time we are young which forms our moral compass. Right and wrong is very subject but when we do something that we feel is wrong that is when guilt comes into play. Guilt is when you feel shame, anxiety, frustration, or feel upset about something you feel you did wrong. A little guilt is not only normal but healthy. It helps us to realize when we do something wrong and we don’t want to feel that feeling again so we most likely won’t do it. This can be helpful in terms of when you steal, intentionally hurt someone or go against your moral compass.
But in abusive and unhealthy homes, guilt can be used as a tool or a weapon. They use it as a way to control you, manipulate you, and deprive you. They do this as a way to strip away you as a human and your basic needs so you don’t feel like you have a say or you don’t matter. It is a lot easier to manipulate someone that is a guilt-ridden person and to strip away their own sense of self than it is someone who has a strong sense of self.
So when you are a child and you are constantly made to feel guilty, you then will feel guilt incorrectly. You will feel guilty about things like food, having basic needs, having boundaries, or having wants. When you are used to always feeling guilty, you then become trapped in deprivation. When your needs are not met as a child you get used to it. You then will wind up surrounding yourself that will deprive you of your basic needs as well. So you will be around people that will keep you in tat guilt feeling. Which then causes you to feel guilt which then causes you to make decisions based off this guilt.
If you are someone who experiences guilt you probably know because you feel guilty all the time but here are some common signs:
The first step is you need to determine your own morals. What do you feel is right? What do you feel is wrong? It is very subjective so everyone has a different definition but you need to determine what you think. For instance, maybe your parent had taught you it is wrong to speak up. You can decide they are completely wrong and you value speaking up. It is important to determine your beliefs because this is part of reprogramming since that part of you was programed to believe things are wrong when they aren’t.
Now you need to check in with yourself when someone asks something of you or needs something from you. Ask yourself how do you feel about it? Will this hurt you or compromise you in some sort of way? If so, the answer is no. It will be hard at first but you need to give yourself permission to say no. That is part of retraining your brain is to give yourself boundaries and to normalize no/putting yourself first. You can still do things for others but you have to check with yourself first how it will affect you mentally/physically.
What triggered it? Why do you feel this way? Is it because someone asked something of you and you said no? Is it because you put yourself first? You want to get to the root of what is causing the feeling. You also want to ask yourself if you feel you did something wrong or you are concerned someone else feels you did something wrong. If you notice you are worried about someone else’s feelings then that is false guilt.
It is also important to recognize the feeling before you act on it. A lot of people will act on the feeling because they want to get rid of the feeling and they don’t want to experience the feeling. But this then causes you to lose yourself and become resentful from giving away your control and people pleasing. That is why it is super important to examine and recognize the feeling before acting on it.
This is one of the hardest things as you are so used to giving in. But there are consequences when you give in to the guilt feeling. You let go of the control you have, you teach people to disrespect you, build resentment towards others, have a low view of self, and get stuck on a negative feedback loop of low self-worth. That is why it is important to break the cycle. When you stop giving in to the guilt feeling it will un-strengthen the feeling and reprograming your brain so the next time it is not so intense. you are now reaffirming what you feel is correct. This is especially important in your relationships and with your boundaries.
When you feel guilty you try to avoid the feeling. This means you ignore your genuine feelings and needs. Rather than avoiding the feelings, face them for what they are, uncomfortable feelings. It is important to validate how you’re feeling. Once you learn how to work through the feeling, you will have them less and less. It is important you give yourself the time to reparent and love yourself through it. So remind yourself it is a feeling that you need to experience to help you so you feel it less.
Self-compassion is the ability to be able to be kind nurturing and nice to yourself. It can be hard to be compassionate towards yourself when you don’t get a lot of compassion in your life. But what does beating yourself do? You are not doing anything wrong by taking care of yourself or by putting yourself first. So be loving and treat yourself the same way you would a friend. Take yourself out of the situation. What would you say to a friend?
Healthy people are able to accept no. unhealthy people will make you feel bad. you need to accept that they are unhealthy and they will do things. But it is not your responsibility, other peoples feelings are not your responsibility. You can not please everyone, you can only focus on pleasing one person and that is yourself. So accept that it is what it is that those people are unhealthy.
Sometimes you may give in to your guilt and mess up but that is okay! It is all a learning experience that you learn from.
What do you guys think? Leave it all in the comments below!
