Relationships can be tough. There’s fighting, there are disagreements, and there is pushing of each other’s buttons. That is why a lot of times people wind up going to their boys or their girls or their family members and complain about their significant other. That is one of the worst things you could do for your relationship.
See after you and your partner fight and after you went to your loved ones to complain, you two make up. You most likely forget and move on but your loved ones don’t forget. They keep these things in mind and they then think they can have a say in your relationship. They may even start to think ill of your partner. If your partner is abusive in any way then that’s okay to reach out and ask for help. It’s different if it’s just a relationship with issues.
It is perfectly okay to mention how you guys have issues with things. It’s not okay to involve your family/friends in your fights sharing every detail or run to them and speak badly of your significant other every time there is a problem. Sharing too many details about your relationship no longer makes it a relationship, it makes it a groupship. They only get one side to the story and although they will always be loyal to you, it is unfair to your partner.
Not sharing details even applies when you are going your separate ways. What if there is a possible reconciliation in the future? You could have issues with your loved ones because they now see this big jerk you described to them.
First things first, if you have an issue with someone you should always talk to them about it. It’s not healthy to keep it in or not express yourself. It will come out eventually and the more you try to avoid and control not having a problem, the more a problem will arise. Find healthy ways to talk to them about your disagreements. I have a post here about healthy ways to argue. Relationships fall apart the minute you two stop communicating.
Instead of blaming each other and saying “you did this” or ” you did that” try starting with “I feel….”. I don’t mean to say “I feel like you did this…” that’s another way to blame. I mean try saying “I feel hurt when…” or ” I feel not heard when…”. Saying “I” gets to the heart of the issue because it discusses you and what is bothering you rather than attacking your partner and them feeling bad or like they have to defend themselves.
We go to our friends and family because we want to be heard, we want to feel validated and like someone agrees with us. You want to feel like you have someone on your side. If you are doing this with every argument then that’s unhealthy because you have to ask yourself, “why do I need constant validation?” That means there is a personal issue with possible confidence or self-esteem that needs to be worked on. Its okay to do it from time to time with different things in life but if it is constant then it is a problem.
You would not want your significant others friends and family to know embarrassing things about you or things you said out of emotions so don’t do that to them. Now you obviously can’t vent to your partner about your partner. That’s why writing is another form of venting. You can get it out and also you may answer your own questions when writing it out. Writing helps us figure things out and it may help you figure a solution or come to a realization you haven’t come to before.
If you both are combative and it is just not going anywhere, then it is time to reach out to a professional. A lot of times couples won’t reach out until it is too late. There is absolutely nothing wrong with seeking therapists help. They specifically go to school for these things and they are an outside bystander that won’t judge you or form negative bias opinions about one or the other…outloud anyways. They can maybe dissect your issues and shed some light on things you both did not see.
You should never bad mouth your partner to others. We are Supposed to love and cherish them. If you have a constant problem where you are at a standstill, it’s okay to reach out and ask them for maybe a listening ear. It’s different than calling them up and complaining about a fight you guys had. This instead is not sharing the intimate details but rather sharing a general issue.
For instance, say money is a big fight between you two. Instead of saying “Jerome is a big jerk, he’s always hoarding all the money.” You can say ” Jerome and I keep disagreeing with money he feels we should save and I feel we should take more risks. Have you had this problem? What did you do?” Saying the second one is less likely to cross those boundaries of your family/friends thinking they have a say or forming a bad opinion about your partner. Loved ones can see things we don’t see but they do not need to know all the details. It also shares equal blame rather than frantically calling when you are emotional.
Again this does not apply if you are in a toxic relationship. If you feel you are being manipulated, emotionally abused or physically abused then do not hesitate to reach out for help from family or professionals. This more applies to people who don’t have the tools to handle situations in their relationships or they have personality traits clashing. Talking is better than staying quiet. Lack of communication is what makes couples grow apart. Relationships are hard, they take a lot of work! You have to consider yourself and the other person. Just try to keep the relationship between you and your partner rather than between you and everyone else.
What do you think? Do you agree or disagree? Do you have more to add? Share it in the comments below!
