Forgiving The Narcissist

Forgiveness is something that is misunderstood and incorrectly taught starting from the time we are young. We often are taught that when we forgive someone we have to let go of what the person did and allow them in our life whether they apologize or not. It teaches us this forgive and forget mentality and then we feel we are not supposed to hold the other person accountable. So we will allow people to continue to mistreat us and think we are supposed to just let it go.

They can continue to hurt you and you are supposed to keep allowing it. That is why if you are in an abusive or narcissistic relationship, you will what feels like forgive them and then they will continue to hurt you. This is because you are using the incorrect form of forgiveness. This is then putting you in compromising situations where you are getting abused again and again. You are just making excuses for them at that point.

So because of the way we are taught forgiveness, that we should tolerate others’ behavior and allow them in our life, you will hear people say things like “This person is not deserving of my forgiveness.” And you are correct there are things we should not tolerate but what we misunderstand is that forgiveness is not for the other person. It is for you.

At the end of the day who feels that pain? Who feels that anger? It isn’t the person who hurt you, they did their job, they got in your head. It’s you who has to experience it. Instead, it hardens your heart. If they get stuck in your head, you feel that pain constantly.

Every time you experience that pain, your brain brings you right back to that experience as your brain does not know the difference between past present, and future or reality and imagination. So every time you recall it, you feel like you are being abused over and over, you feel you are being traumatized over and over. You may not be around them but they still have a hold of you.

Every time you hear a song or go to a place or see something that reminds you of them you experience that pain.

It can be hard to let go because you most likely got zero acknowledgment or worse, made to feel crazy for being upset.

How To Let Go

Let us first define what forgiveness is. You never have to forget what someone did, actually, you should remember. You don’t want to keep tabs but you want to keep note of what they did so you can gauge whether this person is deserving of another chance in your life. Only people that are truly sorry and are genuinely changing are worthy of having a place in your life. Narcissists are not people worthy of being in your life because they can’t and will not change.

Which is another misconception about forgiveness. People believe when you forgive someone, you have to let them in your life but that is furthest from the truth. Forgiveness means they no longer have a place in your head and your heart anymore.

How you get to that point is you first have to acknowledge your emotions. You have to hold them accountable in your mind and admit they wronged you or hurt you. It does not matter that they had a bad childhood or they went through this certain thing, you can understand that but that does not let them off the hook for their current actions today. They hurt you and there needs to be acknowledgment for you from you.

What someone went through is not their fault but how you deal with it current day is your responsibility. If they choose to stay in the victim mentality and they use it as a weapon to hurt people, that’s their issue. There is no excuse for that.

So feel your pain, feel the hurt, the anger, the sadness. It can be helpful to imagine saying everything you wish you said to them in your mind or to write out everything. No excuses, just truly allowing yourself to let all the pain out and giving yourself the permission to have your feelings.

You want to get it all out because if you don’t let it go, the negativity just sits in your body and it can cause sickness and disease. They would then start to take your health when they already have taken so much.

So be in your emotions, you decide how long. It can be a few minutes, to a few hours, to a few days. Just remember the longer you sit in these emotions, the longer they’ll be inside your head. So feel it and then allow yourself to release it.

Feeling shame

Often times when people go through abuse or narcissistic relationships they think they should have known better or should have seen the signs sooner. They feel immediate shame. The reality is, you had no idea, you couldn’t have known. You did the best you could with what you had at that time and there needs to be room for compassion. So forgive yourself and be loving and kind. Something happened to you that you couldn’t have imagined or known was going to happen and it is not your fault.

Choose to be at peace

It can be hard to forgive when we don’t feel we received the acknowledgment we should have. So imagine them telling you what you wish they would have said or send yourself a letter from them telling you what you wish they would have said. Then make the choice to let it go. Choose peace, choose that they no longer have a place inside your head and heart. It may be something you need to do again and again but take deep breaths and imagine the pain and everything of this person leaving your body as you breathe out.

What do you guys think? Leave it in the comments below!