Gaslighting is something that has been coming up a lot lately. And it is great that more information on it has been coming to light. But it seems like some people say someone is gaslighting when the other person doesn’t agree with them or says they are wrong. So let’s talk about what gaslighting really is.
Gaslighting is a form of manipulation where the manipulator tries to get you to question your sanity. You know you are being gaslit when someone is completely invalidating you, belittling what you are saying, and trying to portray this narrative that you are crazy and that their narrative is correct. This will cause you to question your reality. They do this by saying phrases like you are imagining things, you are crazy, you are overly sensitive, and asking questions to see if you really feel you are correct. If it happens often you will get to a point where you no longer trust yourself and your perception.
When someone does this to you over and over you eventually will react, maybe you’ll get angry. Then the person who is gaslighting will say things like ” See I told you, this is why you can’t trust yourself look how you are acting.” Then you’ll look at yourself and wonder if they are right, are you really all the things they have been saying? This is because they are pushing their narrative of who they want you to be and then you are reacting off of it. So then when you are reacting off of it which is reactive abuse, it reinforces in your mind that they are correct.
Someone who lacks self-awareness will do this. There are articles that say gaslighters are not aware they are doing it and then there are some gaslighters that will admit to knowing what they’re doing. So in my opinion it is a question that is up in the air. One thing for sure is that someone who does this has low self-worth, a lot of insecurities and they don’t deal with those insecurities. Someone who is like that does not want to take responsibility when they do things, so they deflect, belittle others’ experiences, and not deal with them. So they will put a shield up and make it seem like it is the other person. That is a lot easier than taking responsibility. This is what happens to someone that does not deal with their insecurities and inner child wounds, it has to come out some way.
They don’t know how to communicate, accept that others are different than them, or accept no so they will manipulate others to do what they want and to fit in their false reality. Gaslighters want to strip their victims’ sense of self so it is a lot easier to manipulate and control them. They want their relationships to be very one-sided and they don’t want to feel like they are wrong in any sense.
Most gaslighters have been gaslit themselves when they were young. Their parents did it to them and they did not learn how to properly communicate. It could have been the only way they learned to get their way and get their needs met. When you are deprived as a child, you will do anything to have your needs met which you then take into adulthood. Also, they most likely learned from their parents how to gaslight and manipulate others.
All manipulators say things like this because they want you to depend on them and reinforce that they are the only one you can count on and that they have the best intentions. Manipulation is all about making things look good but there is always a hidden agenda. They say these things over and over until it becomes the voice in your own head.
Since it was ingrained in your brain to constantly be questioned on your reality, you will notice you will ask yourself the same questions your gaslighter did. Things like “am I sure about this? Did this really happen? Maybe I am wrong about this situation.” You now gaslight yourself. you may ask yourself or others if you are too sensitive or crazy. Since you question your reality, You will now doubt yourself and your intuition. Instead of seeing others’ faults, you will blame yourself and think you are the issue, and you can’t trust yourself.
You will say sorry for things that are not necessarily your fault. This is something you had to do with your gaslighter, you had to downplay the situation and take fault. Blaming yourself and apologizing was safer than calling them out. Now here is the thing, it is great to self-reflect and see where you are wrong but you need to hold others accountable. If you don’t then you are welcoming this mistreatment and also making others think they are right which then will enable the mistreatment more.
It is easier and safer to make excuses for others’ bad behavior than to see where they are wrong. You also may have a lot of empathy for this person if you are an empath and want to excuse their behavior because you feel bad for them. You were always made to feel you were the problem and others were not so in your mind you rationalize it as they are good, it’s all you.
You feel something is wrong but you do not know what it is. Or when you are around others or have to make decisions you do not trust your judgment. Your intuition will kick in but rather than listening to it you will ignore it. You more likely will listen to a manipulative person since that is familiar rather than yourself.
You may fear making the wrong decisions, or doing something incorrectly, or making someone upset. Your abuser still plays in your head of you feeling like you need them to make decisions or you are incompetent and can not make the right choices. It can cause you to become paralyzed or avoid making decisions.
If you were an adult that was gaslit and before you dealt with a gaslighter you were naturally happy and then you formed depression and anxiety, then you probably have been gaslit. Or if you were a child that dealt with this manipulation and you have always had anxiety and depression, then that would explain it. They stripped you of who you are and they made you this person that had to survive. You have lost yourself and now you live in fear of others/what could happen or you feel so empty and lost.
You never feel like what you are doing is enough. You feel this constant stress and horrible feelings about yourself. Your gaslighter made you feel worthless and like you did not matter. No Matter what you did it was never enough. Now when you try things your confidence is low and you feel unlovable and undeserving. You constantly have a negative voice in your head that was your gaslighters but now has become your own.
The first thing you want to do is identify it. Identify when you hear these phrases, when your intuition is going off, and who the people you are around are. Now here is the thing, if someone says something like ” you are so sensitive.” It does not mean they are immediately gaslighting you. It is more about when you confront them, how do they handle it. That is what will reveal if you are dealing with a gaslighter.
Like I had mentioned before some people do not realize they are doing it. So when you mention it to them, a light bulb may come up and they are like oh wow I didn’t realize that I do, do that! Then they realize it is a major change they need to make in their life. So do not immediately ride them off before you express yourself and you call them out. Share how you feel and see how they respond. If they respond the same way they did before then you know. If they recognize, acknowledge, and try to do better than you know. And when I say acknowledge I don’t mean they say they understand and then they do it again because that can be them just manipulating you. Their actions show they are trying to change.
This is where you work on who you are and forming that self-love. Over the time you were around a gaslighter, they molded you into who they wanted you to be. You had an emptiness and something missing inside of yourself which made it easier for them to come in. This caused you to trust this person and reveal things about you. But at the end of the day, the gaslighter doesn’t care about you or your feelings. They only care about their narrative.
That is why it is important for you to understand who you are and what your opinion of yourself is. Not what anyone else thinks, but what you do. When it comes to others’ opinions, you get to decide whose opinion matters and whose opinion you want to take it. If you feel what they say has value and can be helpful then use it, if not let it fly. That is the unfortunate part of codependency and people-pleasing, you care so much about others’ feelings and you need to agree. it is okay, you can have your own opinions you don’t have to agree with everyone.
When you say something and someone tries to go against you when you firmly believe in what you are saying, stand firm. Have confidence in yourself. When someone tries to tell you, you don’t remember things correctly come back with that you remember exactly what happened. And you want to say this with confidence and conviction. That scares gaslighters, confidence who is she? You have to let go of needing their approval or the validation of others. You have to stand firm in what you are saying. This is when reacting rather than responding comes into play. You don’t want to show them much emotion. You are wasting your time arguing with them. If they are being disrespectful you can always walk away.
Then they will learn they can no longer treat you that way. So one of two things will happen: One they will not gaslight you anymore and they will change the way that they treat you or two they will just go away. They will go do it to someone else.
If you have someone that keeps gaslighting you then the best thing you can do is stay away and walk away from them. There is no getting through to someone that manipulates and can’t see outside of themselves. They do not care what you are feeling. If you can not stay away from this person because of financial reasons or whatever it is then you have to make sure you stand firm in your reality and what you believe. You don’t have to overly explain yourself or get their approval. You continue to stand firm and walk away from the situation when they try to push you.
What do you guys think? Leave it all in the comments below!
