If you have a narcissist in your life you most likely have looked online to get some answers as to what is going on. And you may have noticed some of the traits don’t entirely match the narcissist in your life so you may think that narcissism isn’t their problem. That is because a lot of the times the things you see are on overt narcissists. Overt narcissists are loud, arrogant and they are always fishing for compliments where the covert narcissist is not like that.
The covert narcissist is a lot more sneaky than the overt narcissist. They are the wolf in sheep’s clothing. Covert narcissists play the victim a lot more, they are a lot shyer and they are less attention-seeking than the overt. As well as the fact that people generally like the covert narcissist.
When you are in the inner circle of the covert it is hell. They gaslight, control, manipulate, and abuse the ones in their inner circle. But for the people out of their circle, they are all about their image. They come across as this loving, caring person and you may have heard others tell you, you’re so lucky to have this person in your life.
All narcissists have the same goal, they want to use people as tools to get their supply which is validation whether it is a negative reaction or positive feedback. The difference is that they all use different tactics based on that goal. Narcissists have very fragile egos that they don’t want to deal with and they are trying to feed their bruised ego. Rather than healing their ego, they’re just feeding it. Covert narcissists are so tricky because they appear one way in public but behind closed doors, they’re completely different.
Women covert narcissists need to be needed so when they have children, they raise their children needing to depend on them. Each child plays a different role. These roles help her fill her ego, her own needs.
If there is one child that is a little more rebellious, that is then the scapegoat. That is the one that the mother blames for everything, causes the most trouble is labeled the troubled child or disobedient. They are labeled as the bad problem child. The scapegoat is more likely to be a codependent because they’re always told what a terrible person they are and they’re always trying to appease their narcissistic mother.
Then there is the golden child. The golden child is the one that can never do anything wrong. This child is the favorite and the one the narcissist chooses to make the most like them. And the mother doesn’t realize she’s doing it, she’s doing it subconsciously but they’re feeding the child’s ego to the point that this child doesn’t think they can do anything wrong which then causes them to be a narcissist.
Then there is the third role which is the lost child. This is the child that usually gets neglected more and they’re the ones that stay in the background. They get stuck in the fantasy world because they don’t really have a place and the mother doesn’t really give them much attention.
These roles can switch at any time. You could have a childhood where you each have the same role regularly or that it switches in the middle of your childhood or switch every other week. It varies but with the covert narcissist mother, there is always a role they have their children play. And you may notice that if you act as if you need her she will be a lot nicer to you rather than when you act like you don’t need her.
Being a child of a covert narcissist, you will notice a lot of the times you will say “well I had a lot of my physical needs, it wasn’t that bad of a childhood.” But in reality, what happened was that you emotionally did not have your mother. You were completely emotionally neglected. That also happens in your relationships where you tell yourself ” well at least I wasn’t beat” That is the narrative they try to play where you have it so good and they don’t touch you.
Female covert narcissists a lot of the time will use sexuality to get you addicted to them. So you may notice that they’ll use it as a toy and take it away when they are upset with you and give it to you when you are on your “best behavior.” So if you are not doing what they want, they will take it away. But when you are on your best behavior according to them, they will manipulate you with that sexuality.
All narcissists pretty much have the same traits but the way their traits come out is very different. Some narcissists are severe and have all the traits and others have some traits but don’t have it severe. The covert narcissist is very sneaky with the way their traits come out.
The way the covert speaks about themselves, they will come across as very humble. The words they use are so manipulative and they are very good at making themselves seem a certain way. They talk about themselves as if it’s true because they genuinely do believe it.
For instance, with the covert mother, she will pick the kid with the best traits and not only take credit for the traits but think that, that child is more like her when in reality the child with the most narcissistic traits is the most like her. She genuinely believes that she is this certain type of person but in reality, it is the complete opposite and it is because of their lack of reality. They live in this delusional world. That is why people outside of their circle like them because they are so good at selling this story, that they are this certain type of person.
Here are typical narcissist traits and how the female covert shows hers.
When it comes to the covert narcissist, they may hide behind religion or motherhood or a certain role to make themselves feel/seem important. For instance your mom may say things like ” I am the mother, I know best.”And she will make it seem like she is so smart and she knew everything and she would use it as a way to belittle you.
When it comes to religion, they may act like God is speaking to them and you don’t understand and they have the right to tell you things because God is telling them. They may use spirituality as a way to control people and to feel like they are important. Or they use their job to act like they are so important. So they will hide behind titles to have that grandiose sense of self. With the overt, they will more just act like that they are so important no matter what.
She wants to come across as a teacher and someone that is above you and she is someone that you need.
It is very spoken about that all narcissists lack empathy completely. But I disagree. With Covert narcissists, you may notice they will have empathy towards animals or babies or maybe older people. you notice that its very selective what they have empathy for. But when it comes to their inner circle, they lack any empathy.
So that is why you may have noticed yourself questioning if she really is a narcissist because they don’t fit in that criteria of no empathy since they are empathetic sometimes. It is just because it is very selective empathy. When something affects them, they completely lack the empathy. But when it is something that doesn’t have anything to do with them like seeing a suffering dog on TV, they may show empathy.
Covert narcissists are highly sensitive, especially to criticism. That is why they can’t take in any criticism because their ego is so fragile and they are so sensitive to things that the minute they hear it, they need to go on defense. Then they need to deflect, turn it around, make it seem like you are attacking them and you are the abuse. That is why they can not take a joke or make jokes about themselves.
She believes any negativity towards her is a lie or you are an enemy and you’re trying to hurt her because she did not learn how to properly handle criticism. They were either overly criticized as a child or their parent made them feel like there is absolutely nothing wrong with them.
The reason the covert won’t take responsibility is because their main goal is that they want to be the victim. She wants to be seen as a helpless person so that way she can have more people validate her and give her compliments. They want to feel like people on her side and have people feed that ego. She constantly wants to play the victim role and the only way she can play the victim role is if she makes you the bad guy.
The crazy part is that she is projecting, she is telling you who you are when in reality she is that person. But they do not know that because of the delusion. Understand that their main goal is to always be the victim. She enjoys feeling like people are out to get her so that way she can have other people validate her. That is the only way they know how to get that positive reinforcement, by other people do it by them acting like a victim.
They are constantly looking for sympathy and a way to boost themselves up so they will over exagerate things so it will always seem like they are the victim then the person that could be doing something wrong. Everyone is always doing it to them.
She is an incredibly jealous person. The jealousy turns into competitiveness. The competitiveness is so sneaky. Something that was very competitive in my household as weight and how we looked. It was an unspoken competition. My mom was very careful with her words, she never would outright say things, she would say little things like ” do you really want to eat that?’ This that had hidden subliminal messages to imply things. On the outside, it seemed like she is trying to care but in reality, it is a secret dig or secret way to control/manipulate.
That is what covert narcissists do. They are always trying to act as if they are caring about you and they are so loving and that is how they will defend themselves. That they are the only one that will say these things because they care. You will onstantly hear these things since theyre trying to play this anrrtive that they care but they are not aware of it affects you.They are constantly manipulating you to be who they want you to be
So it will feel like its a competive environment where she will, especally with her daughters or other women, where she is trying to compete with you but it is an unspoken competition. It is not something she would outright admit. And she will act very jealous and talk ill about certain people. She will say she is talking ill about others because they are bad people and excuse it but in reality it is their jealousy and insecurties coming out.
So to deal with this competitiveness and jealousy they will make little comments to cause other people to feel like they are in competition with them. She wants to always be the best, the best looking, the skinniest, they want to be the most successful whatever that success means to them. She always wants to be the best so everything will always feel like competition.
You may try to connect with her and you will feel a complete disconnect. You may feel an emptiness between you guys and you cant get a deeper connection whether that’s with your narcissistic mom, sister, friend, girlfriend. Whatever it is you don’t feel like you can have a genuine connection.
If you are in a relationship with her, you may feel that emptiness when you’re having sex with her. There feels a disconnect and it also can feel as if she is doing you a favor, rather than it is something that is actually enjoyable. It may be very enjoyable in the beginning. She will go wild but as time goes on its so disconnected and it feels like it is a chore rather than there is passion and enjoyment.
In general, she will make it seem like she is this great emotionally available woman that is there for everyone because she most likely makes it seem like she is. This doesn’t happen in her inner circle but outside of her circle. You may notice she is more likely to pick her friends or people outside of her circle than you. You are last. This is because she is not going to be emotionally available for those particular people because she actually is. It is because she wants to look like she is a good friend, that she is caring, that she is loving, that she is there for people rather than her actually being that person.
She cares more about her status and image plus how she looks rather than actually caring about the other person and their feelings.
Like all narcissists, coverts are extremely selfish. Covert narcissists will make it seem like it is for everyone else but in reality, it is always for her. For instance, she may go shopping and spend a lot of money with you and your kids. She will make it seem like it was just for your kids when in reality the majority of the stuff was for her.
She may really want to do something but she will make it seem like it is for you, when reality it is for her. The covert will use other people as a tool to act like it is for them when in reality it is for her. Covert women really want to act like this selfless, mother Theresa or whatever persona that she wants to paint, she will try to paint it that way. In reality, everything is for her.
The tactics covert narcissists use are very sneaky. The main ways they control and abuse is through manipulation and gaslighting. Wants you to constantly question your reality so you fit in her narrative of who she wants you to be. They are obsessed with their image and how they appear so they want to take you down but without looking bad. So this means constantly taking digs to change your behavior because she mainly wants to control you and what you do.
Everything she says will have a hidden intent behind it. For instance, children that grow up with a narcissistic parent, they will think everyone has a hidden intent behind what others are saying. This is because the covert narcissist is so manipulative and always has hidden intent in what they are saying. You may constantly feel like she is taking digs at you. Things may looks like she is saying one thing but you know it has a hidden meaning behind it.
Rather than outright saying ” hey it makes me upset when you do this thing.” They will say something like ” This wouldn’t happen if you would just listen to me.” Everything is so passive-aggressive rather than straight forward. Instead of openly sharing what is going on, they will indirectly let you know how upset they are. So this can look like her not making you breakfast when she normally does, or her saying nasty things to you without directly expressing her feelings.
When they don’t get what they want, they will throw tantrums almost like a little child not getting what they want. But they will do this all behind closed doors. If anyone sees them do this that is outside their inner circle, they will get very embarrassed. She does this because narcissists are adults stuck at the age they’re abused at and she does not know how to healthily deal with not getting what she wants. So she may cry, scream, throw things, and make you feel her wrath.
Another manipulative tactic she may use is to turn others against you. So what this looks like is that she will talk about you to your family members, friends, or people close to you. This is to turn them against that so she feels like she has what they call flying monkeys on her side. These are people that then attack you/the victim.
So if she ever feels like she is not getting what she wants from you then she will go and talk to your close loved ones and talk about the situation but only talk about it from this delusional perspective to then turn them against you. She wants as many as people on her side as possible. She wants to build an army to back up her statements so she can say ” hey look you are this person that I said you were!”
Instead of talking to you directly, she will talk through someone else to get through to you. This is a way to punish you for not being who she wants. So what this will look like is lets say you are all in a room with her and your child and she needs something from you. Instead of asking you directly she will ask your child to ask you when you are literally right in front of you. She wants you to feel low about yourself and it goes back to that childish ability of not being able to communicate or deal with negative feelings.
Sonewalling is basically when a narcissist immeditly cuts off the conversation and wont let you speak. or give you the silent treatment of not talking to you until they decide that it is time. This can last hours, days, weeks it really depends on the narcissits. this is especially hurtful if you are a child of a covert narcissist because there are times when you need things from your mom and if she is ignirning you then you feel that helpless feeling of ” oh no! I dissapointed my mom, now I don’t have her now i am in danger.”
So if you have that as a mother and then you grow up and you wind up in a similar environment/situation you will feel that same helpless feeling and feeling in danger. you will think you need to do something to fix this right away. this is how she keeps you inline with either causing you to one not do it again or two enabling her so she gets what she wants.
Or they do the opposite where they act as if nothing ever happened. You could have this huge fight and then all of a sudden she will turn to you and say ” what do you want for dinner?” It leaves you confused and frustrated since your feelings are not being acknowledged.
Covert narcissists will secretly try to sabtouge ypou. So if you have a goal or you have something youj want in your life, she may stop you from getting there. Even if she is asking this thing of you, she still will try to sabtouge you because she doesnt want you to feel good enough. She wants to make sure you are at the same low level that she is at. She does not want you to suceed or be above her in anytype of way. So if she notices you starting to do well or be positive in any sort of way, she will try to sabtouge that, so that way you don’t reach that goal. Whether it is them starting fights with you, making it an extremly negative experince. Hurting you from reaching that goal in any sort of way, they will do it.
For instance lets say you have a goal that you want to loose weight and you tell them you want to loose weight. The next time you are around them, the next time they may offer you chocolate. this is because she does not want you to look better then them.
This is another reason why they will invaldiate you alot is because she wants you to feel like you will never be good enough. And that is because interanally coverts never feel good enough so they don’t ever think anyone else is ever good enough. you can never reach their standards and you never will because their standards are unrealstic since they live in this delusional world. They will constantly invalidate your feelings, your opinions, your wants and needs. Coverts do not see you as a person, they see you as a tool.
Coverts feel they are nerve at fault or wrong. it somehow is always someone else’s fault. Sometimes the covert may admit like “Yeah I do things but it doesn’t matter, so what?”They will excuse the things they do. She is not admitting it because she actually self-reflected but because they want to make it look like they self reflect and they are aware of it. it is easier to say I do it, so what and excuse it then trying to deny it. It really depends on that narcissist tactic.
It is really important that you are aware of the covert narcissist’s patterns and their behaviors so you can understand that it is not you, it is not a personal problem like they try to make you believe, and you know what to look out for. When you recognize these traits you will know this is someone that does not meet my requirements and you do not want them in your life.
The covert narcissist cares so much about their image and how they come across. If you were ever to challenge them you would see some of their true colors come out. She wants to manipulate you to believe her reality. If you notice someone that they talk about themselves a lot, they are always the victim, or it feels like you’re being manipulated and you are questioning your reality be aware that you potentially are dealing with a covert narcissist.
What do you guys think? Leave it all in the comments below!
Good grief !! You must have been looking over my shoulder. Why didn’t you tap on that shoulder and shout into my face…RUN !! But I still wouldn’t have left: I thought I possessed super powers to heal.
It was 44 years of hell.
I’m in a middle of divorcing a female covert narc and it feels like it will never end. We have 2 daughters together and every week is a new challenge to defend her evil games. I have changed to an overall negative inpatient person from her 12 years of abuse and will never the positive person I was before meeting her. Every thing in this article is exactly her behaviors and character . Now that I know who she really is, I need to learn to parent and protect my children.
So. What do you do when you find out it’s you? I always blamed my sister, my parents, friends, etc. But they’re all living lives and I just live in fear of anyone, even lifelong friends finding out something that will make them not want to be my friend.
I’m 35… I know deep down it’s irrational but I have panic attacks, I flipped out on my Ex for mentioning something I thought might sound uncool, like I’m in high school one of the fist times he met my college friends.
I remember his face when they left the room and I went from huge smiles to hysterical crying, asking him HOW he could say that to them…it was so innocent and topical then… he looked confused, worried, concerned, and honestly a little frightened. I made an excuse to leave after and never really forgave him; when it was me and my issues.. and even now, tbh I’m still mad at him…. The things I share are my business, true or what I want people to know that’s up to me and he doesn’t get to use ignorance as an excuse… but I know I’m just mad thinking about it because I see what I did, I know I caused it all and made it worse.
No one ever made me feel as strong, confident, like I belong and could be myself like my ex, and I still never let him see the real me. I pretend to appeal to everyone, I take attention shamelessly from men, women, I cheat I lie and I justify it all to myself because of my past trauma… which I pretend to be working in therapy… I learned to pick and choose my therapists and get what I needed from them too. I pay a fortune to lie to a jaded therapist who tricks her clients into joining nonsense groups.. she’s perfect, she might believe me or not, I tell her how great I’m doing… stories from a job I don’t go into because I don’t have to… I use her as a sounding board to justify a lot of my worst behavior… because I’m the victim… I had phones, emails, friend who lived close I’d meet up with for the entire time my Ex and I were together… I almost feel bad sometimes, he’d come home after I was with someone else all day and I’d still pick fights and make him apologize to me… for anything.. it’s like a programmed response in me, no matter what I do I am the victim and justified.. I know most people aren’t like this; I feel like I have super powers some days. Eveyone believes me, loves me, wants to take care of me but lately… I have all these spiders outside my new place, and when I see bugs all wrapped up for later, I think about my ex… I think he had to be hospitalized after everything, lost his job, I don’t feel like I should feel guilty… but I never do… I feel something hollow in my stomach though. It’s like I just swallowed a bunch of ice cubes whole, like a cold suffocating feeling I can’t understand..
Does anyone else feel that way?? I’m worried after reading about vulnerable narcissistics now. My family has a long history of mental illness in both sides, mother was boarder line, father npd but most likely undiagnosed with more, more severe disorders in grandparents on both sides… I do anything so strangers will think better of me but I destroy the people closest to me when they feel too close… I don’t live a double life, I live w different one for eveyone everyday and it’s hard to keep up with the anxiety of being found out and exposed for real. But no one would ever believe the people I choose, I think I might have loved my ex more than I realize now… I think we saw each other. I made all these promises, had them framed for him, all the ways I’d never hurt him… his fears.. he actually got me to feel like a real person, and I never planned on him being forever even though I promised all the things his broken parts would want to hear,,, I know how it feels.. I miss spending time with him, living together, his cooking haha, being tucked in and loved like that.. does anyone think I could get him back if I promised harder and come back? I know he’s still messed up from it all so maybe he’d be willing to… if I swear the cheating and all that never happened and that it was him being insecure?? I don’t think he can prove any of it or even knows the main guys real name.. grrr what do I do I just want to be Happy like everyone else..
You sound like my kind of lady. I love hearing sweet nothings whispered in my ear. You could be the one I been searching for my whole life.
Im ust kidding, lol but a lot of truth is said in just.
All jokes aside. If you acknowledge and understand what you are that’s a good start. My wife wont begin to fathom or except she is a covert narcissist. Either she’s know inside her self like you or she just won’t except it. Me I understand what has made her and most likely you that way. The trauma suffered in childhood was extreme and most like brought on by those who should have loved and protected you. I can understand never wanting to be vulnerable again, developing a shell so thick the vulnerable person in it eventually fades away. “Those who have no heart, once cared to much” Feeling as if no one could truly love you, feeling alone because nobody truly knows you, it’s a lonely journey. My marriage of 15 years, was a journey but I walked it, so I played my part. I don’t know if female covert narcissist choose men like me with horrible traumatic childhoods because they identify with us or because men like us are so desperate for love and companionship. Same things you have said are the same things I had dealt with, I even screen shot what you had wrote. I hope one day you find a sense of self and that you can allow yourself to be vulnerable. I think you admitting what your admitting is a great start, most cover narcissist will never.
Covert Narcissist women will most definitely abandon you when they think your not in line with their goals… your just a supply in the end of the day. The sad realty is that they are just sick in the head, suffering from childhood trauma which has delayed the growth in their brains.
Thanks for explaining this so clearly. I didn’t know there was such a thing until i heard from from someone that my wife was calling me a covert narc, and that she was intending to divorce me. After decades of taking care of her. This made me spin out and question my character and sanity. I pursued therapy for a year and half (and not for the first time), and now I see the projecting, deflection, stone walling, and gas lighting.
We live in the same house and she doesn’t make eye contact with me or talk to me. But she lights up like the happiest person when someone visits or calls.
Wow!!! God just saved my life here!!!
I really wants to thank first god then the one who provide this information!
i cant explaine how greatfull im right now.
Semms that i have been in this movie without knowing that.
THANKS A LOT REALLY THIS IS LIFE SAVING FORME!!!!!
SEYAR!
How do you get them to get help? A 35 year old homeless woman with a 5 year old child. Currently living with dad until her car is fixed that she lives in. She is loud and verbally abusive to him and her daughter. Occasionally grabbing the child and dragging or throwing her. The child is telling her mother she is mean to her, which she is!! It is horrible and this woman will NOT get help? She is so in denial that she is a narcissist and bipolar! I’m am frightened for the child. Government won’t help they are overwhelmed with cases.
Are you a covert narcissist, and how do you know and if you truly believe it, how did you come to the realization.
[…] a complex and tricky topic. The internet is filled with textbook descriptions of narcissists, but covert narcissism often deviates from these standard portrayals. This discrepancy can lead to confusion […]
Yes sir, female self proclaimed covert narcissist. My kind of ladies, I am great source of supply. I know how beautiful, special, wonderful, everything a man could want under that facade. I’m in heaven.
Just a little joke for yall, cheers up.
15 Comments
On target. Eight months from the end of living with a covert for 44 years. Everything you said I experienced plus pathological lies to cover up her serial cheating which she referred to as having her “ needs met”. A dedicated religious and community leader but in the end devil’s offspring. She is now concentrating in turning my kids against me. She will slip up. The healing continues.
That explains so much. spot on.