Co-parenting with a narcissist is really difficult because you are basically co-parenting with a child. They are pissed off that they did not get their way and they are out to get you. So they will do things like a smear campaign, they will talk bad about you, they will try to manipulate your child into thinking badly about you and it can be hard on your own mental health. That is why it is important to prepare yourself mentally so it makes it a little bit easier to deal with them and you can be better well prepared.
The first thing that is important to keep in mind is that you have to push your ego to the side for your child’s sake. Your narcissistic ex will try to paint this horrible picture of you to your child. So your child may come home and say these horrible things and your first defense may be to correct what your child is saying and tell them it is not true. Now defending yourself is important but you want to learn how to properly defend yourself.
When someone says something negative about you and you get defensive, there is a part of you that is accepting that what they said is true and then the other person subconsciously now believes you are that thing. So you want to make sure you do not defend yourself in the way of trying to correct and then getting on the narcissist’s level of saying negative things. Because then that puts the child in the middle. They hear mom saying this negative thing and dad saying another negative thing which will cause your child to feel that they are in the middle and will have to pick sides. So you do not want to speak negatively about your ex to your child.
When your narcissistic ex is saying things to your child you want to ask your child questions to help them come to their own conclusions. Ask them how it makes them feel or what they think about it. For instance, let’s say that your child comes home and says that your narcissistic ex tells your child that you are selfish. You can ask your child what they think about that and then ask them questions to get them to think for themselves. You can ask them what evidence is there that shows that you are selfish? Or you can tell them that you don’t feel that and their parent can feel how they feel but that they do not have to be in the middle. You want them to feel that they need to focus on themselves rather than the two of you.
Tell them to tell their parent that they would prefer not to hear it but to remember that it is not their responsibility to fix when their parent is upset. When you tell your child that, they are learning to respond rather than react and teaching your child that they are not responsible for their parent’s feelings. You also are teaching your child how to reason since when we are young we don’t naturally reason until we are older. We think it is us and things are our responsibility.
When your narcissist is saying terrible things, you have to remember you know your truth and you do not have to prove yourself. You know your truth. If you don’t have this inner dialogue then you will go down to their level and say horrible things or try to convince your child that these things are not true. The truth will eventually come to light but you have to make it a comfortable environment for your child.
When you are dealing with a narcissist they don’t genuinely care what you have to say. You can’t have a healthy conversation with your ex. So that is why it is important to pick and choose your battles. For instance, let’s say they keep not putting a jacket on your child when it is a little chilly, that may be something you think is worth letting go of. But let’s say they keep yelling and slapping your child, that is something where it is a bigger deal where you will want to have a conversation and let them know that is not to be tolerated.
When you do have a conversation you have to keep in mind that they will gaslight you and make it seem that you are crazy or it is not s big deal, they will belittle and degrade what you are saying. They also will do something called word salad where they will say as many things as possible to confuse you and deflect from the actual conversation. So it is important you don’t get sucked into that and bring it back to the conversation. As well as you do not want to get sucked into their gaslighting. So you want to stand firm in what you are saying and be firm and assertive in what you are saying. Don’t get sucked into the low blows or attacks. You want to keep bringing it back to the important topic.
For instance, they may say you are a terrible mother and you can say you are entitled to your opinion although I do not accept your faulty perception of me but what about this issue? Keep bringing it back to the issue. Eventually, they will get bored because you are not reacting. They can not trigger you and they do not know the buttons to push. Now if they are being completely disrespectful do no be afraid to walk away and tell them you will not have the conversation if they speak to you in that manner. Let them know a conversation has to happen but not with the way they are speaking.
If you can not have a conversation then get a third party involved like a mediator. On your end, you want to document everything. Make sure things are written and you have a lawyer helping you and things are written down in your custody agreement. You have to stand firm and fight for yourself but limit your contact with them as much as possible. Only speak to them when you have to and when it has to do with your child.
So you can not control what your narcissistic ex is doing, saying to your child, their behavior, or how others perceive you. But you can control yourself, what you do and say, How you respond to situations, your relationship with your child. If you are getting frustrated you need to ask yourself is this in my control? If not it is something you need to let go of. Then ask yourself what is in your control? When you focus on what is in your control you can feel empowered where when you focus out of your control you feel helpless, stressed, and anger.
Make your house and your relationship a safe environment with your child. you want to have open healthy communication with your child. You want your child to feel that they can come to you and share whatever with you. That is why you want to put your ego to the side so they feel they can share what is going on with them and not feel they have to protect one parent over the other.
You want to know what is going on with your child and you are filled in. Also, ask them their opinions and ideas so they feel they have a mind of their own. They need a place to share what they think, you are growing little adults and they have thoughts about what is going on. They need to know they have a say because if they don’t they will be just left alone with these thoughts and ideas.
Validate your child and their feelings. You can Validate that their situation is rough or validate that they did a good job handling a situation. You want to validate them as much as possible so they feel empowered and so they are forming a strong sense of self. They are dealing with a manipulative abusive person. You are giving them what the other parent can not.
Now you want to make it a safe place where they can reveal how they are feeling but you do not want it to become a space where they have now become your soundboard. You want to keep your negative thoughts to yourself but also you do not want to hide when you are feeling down. Your child is not dumb. They are sponges and they feel when you are upset. So if your child asks if you are upset, do not lie to your child and say no. That then breaks the trust with your child and they are left there trying to figure out what is going on with you.
You can on a simple level share how you are upset but express that you will be okay. Like hey, I am a little sad but I will be okay. This helps them learn how to deal with their emotions and it is okay to express themselves. Because if you are telling them to express themselves and you are not, they see actions over words.
Dad’s and mom’s you have to make sure you have self-love and self-care. You need to make sure you have alone time, good emotional support. Make sure to check on your mental health. Because when you don’t it is hard to deal with the narcissist and being a rock for your child. Do things you enjoy and that help you relax.
Being involved with a narcissist is hard but raising a child with a narcissist is ten times harder. Hang in there.
What do you guys think? Leave it all in the comments below!
