It’s another Monday and your coworker is bossing you around when they are in the same pay grade as you. You don’t say anything because you want to keep the peace and don’t want to be seen as drama or unprofessional. You just want things to be calm. At the same time you are fed up and just don’t know how to go about this situation.
You were never one to stand up for yourself. You maybe didn’t think you were worth it or you would just hope it would go away on it’s own. Confrontation can be terrifying after all!
Our feelings of being confident enough to express our needs all stem from our experiences with our parents or as a child. You maybe watched your parents turn away from confrontation or even maybe watched them be way too confrontational. Whenever you spoke up to your parents it resulted in yelling matches or you were made to feel like your needs are not worth it. Expressing your needs became a negative at some point. This sent a message to you. You subconsciously thought “I’m not worth being treated the way I want.”
Another reason why confrontation can be scary is because we as humans fear rejection. We want to be liked! We may have had past experiences with confrontation or rejection that resulted in a negative outcome. So to protect ourselves we create a narrative in our mind that if we say something, this will happen and that will happen. We make assumptions of what will happen and let our anxieties guide us rather than attempting to try to stand up for ourselves.
The last thing that can make confrontation scary is you just have no idea what to say or how to come across or how to respond to them! What they say back can also be a scary thought. This again comes from watching your parents, bad past experiences or lack of ever trying to stick up for yourself. If you haven’t really done it, you won’t have the tools to conquer it! Sometimes when people stand up for themselves they do it when they’re so fed up that it comes across as aggressive more than assertive which is what you don’t want.
Assertive v.s aggressive is a similar comparison to cocky v.s confident. They can both feel the same but they are both different and rub people in different ways. Assertive means showing a confident and forceful personality. Aggressive means ready or likely to attack or confront. Passive means saying nothing at all and allowing things to just happen without responding or resisting.
You are more likely to be assertive when you take time and think how you want to address the issue and use the more logic side of your brain. Passive behavior is when you are hesitant or afraid of responding to anything happening. Aggressive behavior comes out when you get sick, tired and fed up of being mistreated and all of a sudden one day you explode either internally or on others. That is the more emotional response.
One is more likely to earn you respect, get your point across and probably have you leaving with what you want. The other two are more likely to lead to a fight, negative emotions, not getting what you want across and leaving more irritated then when you came. I don’t know about you but assertive wins for me by a land slide!
It is always much more reliving and more helpful when you feel prepared and have your thoughts together. Try to think of what it is that you don’t like and what you would like to change. What point are you trying to get across and the message you are trying to send? What types of things are going on that are making you upset? It is important to use “I” or “I feel” statements rather than blaming or saying “you do this or that”.
You want to prevent them from feeling attacked or defensive as much as possible so you can get your point across and it is about what you want and not so much of them making it about how they are not wrong.
Saying and believing are two very different things. We can say we deserve something all day long but if we don’t genuinely believe it, it means nothing. It’s just words. Now this is something that takes practice, it doesn’t just happen overnight.
Beliefs change based on what we say and what we act on. So for instance if we start challenging our negative self talk and saying more positive things as well as making decisions to confirm the things we say to ourselves, we will believe it more and more. This works for both the good things we say as well as the bad we say to ourselves.
For instance if you tell yourself you deserve to have a healthier life and then you decide to get a healthy salad for lunch over your regular burger you are already taking a small step towards believing you deserve that. Beliefs about ourselves are things that are worked on everyday.
This is similar to your beliefs but sometimes we aren’t aware of what we deserve in general. The way you are being treated now is not what you deserve. No one ever deserves to feel mistreated. It does not matter if you have messed up or you did certain things.
Yes we do teach people how to treat us but it does not mean you deserve to be treated badly just because of your personal struggles. You and every human deserves some sort of respect. You are worthy and deserving of being treated better. Just know that.
You definitely do not want to talk when you are the most emotional and vulnerable because that is when you don’t get to say what you want and you are not at your most calm collected state.
Choose a time when you feel prepared and ready. By ready I mean when you know what is upsetting you and what you would like to say. Also pick a time when you can ask them if you can talk and they are willing to hear you out.
It isn’t just important to tell someone what you don’t like. It also is important to guide them and let them know what you expect instead. Saying you don’t like something doesn’t give them the whole direction of what you want. So they may not know where to go from there and continue to do it.
So for instance lets say you don’t like when someone yells at you to do something. Let them know you would prefer in a calm voice for them to suggest or ask if you think so and so is a good idea. You are in control of how you want to establish how you would like the turnout to be.
And stand your ground when you do say you expect something. If they don’t listen and cross your boundaries don’t hesitate to remind them and not back down. Don’t let them push you over. You have every right to remove yourself from a situation that is going sour,
Saying no to others can be scary at first. You don’t want to upset anyone or let anyone down. Maybe you don’t say no to prevent a certain feeling like guilt, anxiety or disappointment. You are all around a people pleaser. But it is okay to say no! Not only that but it is important to say no and build those healthy boundaries.
People can take advantage and hurt us when we don’t say no. We hurt ourselves when we don’t say no. We can’t give out of an empty wagon and we also are teaching people that we don’t matter and it is okay to be taken advantage of. You don’t always have to say no! It is important to say no when it’ll affect you in a negative way or you just really really don’t want to do it! You can still say yes but don’t be afraid to pull out the no card every once in awhile.
It’s easier to let things go or make excuses for the person then to actually say something. It is not okay for them to disrespect you. Don’t make it okay for them. That is one of the reasons why you are being mistreated. Tolerating the mistreatment. If you start feeling like someone is talking down to you don’t hesitate to let them know to not talk to you like that. Stand your ground when you feel misspoken to.
They may try to act like they aren’t doing anything or turn the cards and act like it is your fault. That is not your problem. You can calmly say “Please don’t speak to me like that, I don’t talk to you like that. I expect you to talk to me the way I am talking to you in a respectful manner.” If they don’t stop you always have the option to walk away.
How you say things and the body language you show are really important in everyday life but especially when addressing things. Your body language can also affect the way you feel and vice versa. For instance did you know if you smile when you’re in a bad mood or in general, you’ll automatically feel happy? That is because it sends signals to your brain to send happy chemicals like dopamine. Don’t believe me? Try it! This also applies to how you are standing or the way your body is motioned. It will affect not only the way you feel but the way people see you.
If you look down a lot, swinging your arms in a nervous motion, shaking or are slouching and talk in a timid unconfident voice, you will not be taken seriously. You will be an easy target to get walked all over. But if you stand straight with your body facing towards the person, try not to fidget, make eye contact and are confident and firm in what you are saying, you are more likely to not only feel confident but also show you mean what you are saying and are demanding that respect.
Not standing up for yourself results in resentment, anger, panic attacks, and anxiety. Because you are suppressing your emotions and anytime we suppress our emotions it comes out in other forms. You don’t want that life.
You are teaching people how to treat you. Not just by saying what you don’t tolerate but also letting them know what you’d prefer. Which sounds better? Being mistreated for the rest of your life but you stay quiet and let fear of confrontation or fear of a better life control you OR having a short potential argument with someone where things get heated but after you are respected and get treated the way you want. You get to decide!
What do you guys think? Do you have any experiences you would like to share where you have dealt with this? Have any more tips you can share? Leave it all in the comments below!
