In my first part of this series, I explained what OCD was which you can find here. I have had experience with most of the obsessions talked about. Growing up I always had really bad anxiety and would do rituals here and there. Like I would have a ham sandwich every day to prevent myself from fainting. I would just do random silly things here and there.
I will never forget the day my life changed forever. It was like a switch went on and I didn’t know how to turn it off. I was 19 and I was taking medication for my chronic illness at the time. I kept imagining myself taking multiple pills at once. It was playing as if it was a memory more so than a thought. I thought I remembered myself taking multiple pills and I was terrified. It kept playing over and over again. I no longer felt like I could be trusted around any meds, I wanted someone to hand them to me if I needed them.
I’d count the pills in the bottle multiple times a day. If I saw someone else had pills around I’d obsessively tell myself if I don’t know what color they are or what they taste like then I didn’t take it. Because I would imagine myself doing things I didn’t do, I couldn’t differentiate reality vs non-reality.
And then I started imagining that I had switched my coconut water to cleaners. I thought I remembered throwing out my coconut water and pouring in cleaner into my bottle. I then started to not be able to be around cleaner. If there was cleaner around I couldn’t go in that room or someone would have to physically remove it for me. If I was home alone I would lay in one spot for hours and hours paralyzed not moving a muscle so I couldn’t “accidentally” take something that could kill me or “remember” I took something and obsess about it.
These thoughts would feel almost like “urges”. Almost like the thoughts were so intense and so intrusive I “wanted” to do it. Then I started having “urges” to kill my loved ones. These are the worst ones till this day. I’d rather think about anything else than these intrusive thoughts.
I remember sitting next to my mom in the car one day and I had a compulsion to kill her. I told her and she said I scared her. That terrified me even more. Am I a psychopath? or a killer? Am I going to lose control and kill my loved ones? What’s wrong with me!? I was so petrified I held my hands really tight.
Those thoughts kept reoccurring every day over and over all day. I started to do things to help “prevent” me from acting on it. I’d hold my hands in a fist and squeeze really tight or beg my boyfriend at the time to handcuff me so I knew I wouldn’t lose control of myself and hurt anyone. That was what scared me the most. Was I going to lose control of myself? If I’m having these thoughts doesn’t that mean I just want to do it? Why else would I have these thoughts?
If I was around anyone, thoughts would race through my mind about killing them. I stopped being able to use anything sharp, specifically if anyone was home. The knives had to be hidden from me. Soon after, I stopped being able to carry around anything sharp or anything that could hurt anyone. Vulnerable people especially terrified me, I was terrified they couldn’t defend themselves against me.
Imagine all your worst thoughts as a soundtrack running through your mind 24/7, day after day- Adam Walker Cleveland
One memory that comes to mind is I used to carry around thinning shears because I would cut my hair. We were in a waiting room and there was a baby there. I kept thinking over and over about taking my thinning shears and slitting the babies throat. I know gruesome. It was one of the thoughts that haunted me. I was so scared of myself and the thoughts I was having. I must be a monster I thought. I would flinch my body every time I’d have these thoughts as a ritual to shake myself out of them. As if I was forcing my body to feel I didn’t like them. I’d clench my fist tight as if to tell my body don’t move! I have the control.
I would obsess about being good enough for my boyfriend. Why wasn’t he with someone less crazy? He’s totally going to abandon me. He’s going to get sick of me wanting to be “babysat” and leave. I would call him late at night and ask if he was going to abandon me.
Food became unsafe. When it came to cooking, I was the only one allowed to cook for myself Certain objects could not touch my food or where I was cooking. If anything or anyone touched my food I would not be able to eat it. I could only use specific pans and utensils. I would wash utensils before I used them. Pots and pans felt like the needed to be washed even if they were already clean.
To combat these thoughts I started having religious obsessions like I would pray the rosary and if I missed the rosary it was more likely I would die that day. I was only protected if I prayed otherwise, I would do bad things or I would die. I would fear that a demon would take over, I’d even imagine a demon taking over me. That’s what I would imagine would happen since I was having these killing thoughts. I knew I didn’t want to do it but was I going to lose control of myself and act on them?
Fears I had never thought of started entering my mind. Thoughts that I was sexually attracted to family members became a new thing. Those really freaked me out. It was gross like eww grandma I do not want you like that! I would question every feeling. Am I attracted to them? Why did I just get excited to see them? Is that a feeling of attraction? I think I just thought about every possible thing I didn’t want to happen so I’d obsess and made it a fear of mine. My mind was racing and thinking of everything possible that felt like a threat to me.
Going to Jail was always a fear of mine so I would obsess and be terrified of things that could send me there. I’ve also been scared of death and losing my loved ones so again that’s where my mind took me.
I also would need to check things. Did I lock the door? Check it till it felt right. Did I fill this form out? yeah, I obviously did but a tenth time checking doesn’t hurt. This fork is contaminated I have to wash it before I use it. Did I leave the stove on? My dog will burn alive if I don’t check again. You get the idea.
These experiences were so lonely. I could barely share it with anyone out of fear of being seen as crazy or lack of understanding. Also, I didn’t want to make anyone feel uncomfortable or scared. The first person I told’s reaction really put fear into me. I would share some with my boyfriend and I’d beg him to watch me so I wouldn’t lose control of myself. It’s even scary sharing it now knowing I could be judged since it is a taboo subject. I started losing touch with reality and could not tell what was real and what wasn’t anymore. Was I crazy? Who am I? Do I enjoy these thoughts?
Here’s the thing though. I was more terrified of the thoughts than actually wanting to do it. Everyone gets thoughts like these but they don’t interpret them the same as someone who has OCD. They came as quickly as they go and just think “that was a weird thought”. Since OCD sufferers put meaning into these thoughts their mind becomes a prison and their thoughts are the innkeeper.
This is why I want to educate people and share my experience on this subject. People have little idea of how severe it can get or that this is even a thing about OCD. OCD is just associated with being clean and organized but there is much more to it than that. So if you are reading this and you can relate, know you are not alone. I hear you, I feel for you.
I used to frantically search for what was happening to me and how to fix it. If you are someone who had no idea this was a thing, I hope you learned something. This series is all the things I wanted to know and I feel would be valuable to share if you are a sufferer. Hang in there. In my next post of this series, I’ll be talking about how to actually deal with it.
Leave a comment below sharing your experiences if you feel comfortable enough! What do you think of OCD? Did reading this change your mind?
*Although I have studied and experienced these things myself I am no way a professional or have my social work license. All opinions in my posts are my own and you should go to your nearest therapist for a professional opinion and proper diagnosis. Do not use anything in these posts to diagnose yourself and others. Use anything on this site or from me at your own risk. My opinions do not replace a therapist or other healthcare professional.
