Feeling guilt means you feel bad for something you have done that you feel is wrong. It is a natural emotion and in healthy amounts, it can be a good thing as it can help guide us to change and do better in the future. But sometimes people are overridden with guilt to the point it controls their life. This is where it gets unhealthy.
There are times when we make mistakes and do things like cheat, steal, or hurt someone. These are the times when guilt naturally comes up. Then there is fake guilt. Fake guilt is a constant feeling even when you are not doing something wrong but we tell ourselves we are and we then change our actions to prevent that overwhelming feeling.
Constant feelings of guilt is something that is taught/learned from our upbringing. You may have been taught to feel like you are always wrong or “bad.” Even about simple things like taking care of yourself, having normal everyday needs, getting sick or setting boundaries. Or you may have watched a parent always act in this way and took this habit upon yourself. You take on the responsibility of things when it isn’t something that you could help or control. You feel bad and make yourself feel like you are in the wrong when you most likely are not.
This constant feeling of doing something wrong, even when you were not, helped your toxic caregiver to manipulate/control you easier. This helps to make you feel more inclined to do what they want rather than have your own needs. False guilt keeps you trapped.
Present day this can cause you to feel bad when taking care of yourself even when you put others before you, sabotage your success, feel judged by others, struggle with feelings of undeserving or unworthiness.
So how do we overcome this guilt? It can sometimes feel impossible. You can work on it with these 5 simple steps!
Recognize when you are feeling like you did something wrong before acting upon it. It is important to try to look at it from an outside perspective rather than a judgmental harsh perspective. What happened that caused this sense of guilt? Did someone say something to trigger it? Are you actually doing something wrong in your eyes? Who is blaming you, yourself or someone else?
Are you feeling a sense that there is something you want to be doing but you have not yet? Where is this feeling coming from and what is causing it? What is the truth? What function does feeling guilty serve and what is it doing for you? Ask yourself different questions to get to the root of the feeling.
After if you have determined this guilt is from false guilt, it is time to do things differently than in the past. In the past you may have done things or given in to people to relieve the fake guilt feeling. No more of that. This will be hard because like I said above, when we are feeling guilty we just want to do things to make it go away.
Changing your actions based on guilt is not only enabling bad behaviors in yourself but it is also enabling bad behaviors in others or how they treat you which then turns into a feedback loop of feelings of undeserving/unworthiness and tons of guilt!
It is time to break the cycle. Don’t change your actions based on your guilt feeling. Especially if the guilt is because you are doing the same things everyone else is like taking care of yourself or setting boundaries. Watch the language you are using and what you are telling yourself.
When we are feeling guilt, one of the first things we usually do is ignore our genuine feelings/needs and act on the guilt. We will apologize even when we are not in the wrong, we will do things we don’t want to do just to stop feelings this way etc. Instead of avoiding your feelings or punishing yourself for having them, allow them to be as they are.. an uncomfortable feeling.
We do things to avoid this uncomfortable feeling and that includes not acknowledging ourselves or our feelings. It is important to let yourself know you are feeling a type of way about something. It is equally important to set a time limit for yourself so you are not wallowing in your negative feelings. No more shaming, dismissing them and just doing what others want.
If you don’t set time to just allow yourself to have feelings, then it will slowly be released and you will act out of your guilt more and more because it will always be there. You are validated in your feelings. You are allowed to have wants and needs. It is unfair that you feel you get taken advantage of or mistreated. It is stressful to live in constant guilt and shame.
Your feelings are valid and it is important to release them so you don’t act out of guilt.
Beating yourself up does not help when you are feeling down or or feeling like you did something wrong. You are not doing anything wrong and it is important you remind yourself that. This is the time when you need compassion. Talk to yourself in a nurturing way. Things like ” I am so proud of you!” Or “I cherish you.” Affirmations are also important.
You are doing the best you can. You cant be perfect and you are not expected to be. Release that expectation. You are allowed to have your own needs just like everyone else. You are allowed to be human. It is time to remind yourself of that. What would you tell a friend in this same situation?
When dealing with the guilt, pause, take a deep breath and then watch the story you are telling yourself. It is not always your responsibility to do everything for everyone. It IS your responsibility to take care of yourself and your needs. It’s okay to have wants and needs and put yourself first sometimes. You are worthy and deserving of whatever it is. It is time to tell yourself that.
When you don’t give people what they want, they may try to make you feel bad. That says more about them than it says about you. We will let people down. Unfortunately we will hurt others unintentionally. We can’t give everyone everything they want. You can only do so much. That does not mean you are a bad person. And this is something we all have to accept.
Accept that you may need to say no to things, that you may not be able to do everything everyone in your life wants including when it comes to your kids. If you don’t you will create an unhealthy environment for yourself and guilt will be controlling you rather than you taking control of your own life. The situation is what it is and sometimes there is not anything you can do about it. Can only learn from it and try better another time.
What do you think? Do you suffer with fake guilt? How do you handle it? Leave it all in the comments below!
