As human beings, we are hardwired to attach to our caregivers. Our caregivers are supposed to be the ones who keep us safe, protected, and secure. However, when a parent is narcissistic, emotionally immature, or suffers from borderline personality traits, they become both the source of attachment and the source of harm. This creates an internal conflict: one part of you craves their love and care, while another part feels unsafe around them.
When faced with danger or stress, the human nervous system reacts instinctively. These responses are commonly known as fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. While the first three are well known, the fawn response is often overlooked. This post will explore what the fawn response is, how it develops, and how it impacts people throughout their lives.
Before we dive into the fawn response, let’s briefly review the other trauma responses:
Each of these responses is the body’s way of trying to cope with danger. The nervous system detects a threat and reacts automatically. However, when none of these options feel safe, a child may develop a fourth survival strategy: the fawn response.
The fawn response is a coping mechanism that combines elements of all the other trauma responses. Instead of fighting back, running away, or shutting down, the child learns to appease and please their caregiver in order to stay safe. This response is often seen in children raised in households where expressing emotions was not allowed or where emotional and physical safety was inconsistent.
Imagine a child who seeks comfort from their parent, only to be met with rejection, anger, or punishment. In these situations, the child quickly learns that fighting back or asserting their needs leads to more harm. Since they cannot safely escape, they develop a strategy to keep the parent happy at all costs. This involves:
Essentially, the fawn response teaches the child that their own emotions and needs are secondary to maintaining the peace and ensuring the caregiver remains stable.
A child who develops the fawn response likely experienced repeated situations where:
Over time, this pattern becomes ingrained. The child learns that their survival depends on making others happy, and this behavior continues into adulthood.
People who developed the fawn response in childhood often carry this behavior into their adult relationships. Some common signs include:
For those with the fawn response, intimacy can feel dangerous. By always focusing on the needs of others, they avoid exposing their own vulnerabilities, which they associate with potential harm.
Living in a constant state of people-pleasing takes a significant toll on mental and emotional health. It can lead to:
Many people with the fawn response struggle with anger suppression. Since they were conditioned to avoid expressing anger, they may find it difficult to stand up for themselves. They may admire people who can assert themselves but feel unable to do the same.
The good news is that healing from the fawn response is possible. It starts with recognizing the patterns and learning to prioritize your own needs. Some key steps include:
The fawn response is a survival mechanism that develops in response to childhood trauma and emotional neglect. While it may have helped you navigate a difficult upbringing, it is not a healthy long-term strategy. Recognizing this pattern is the first step toward healing and reclaiming your sense of self. By setting boundaries, processing emotions, and prioritizing self-care, you can break free from the cycle of people-pleasing and cultivate healthier relationships.
If you recognize yourself in these patterns, know that you are not alone. Healing is a journey, and it’s okay to take it one step at a time.
Want to go deeper? My course “11 Weeks to Break Free from the Past” is designed to help you heal emotional wounds, set boundaries, and reclaim your self-worth. It includes weekly lessons, guided meditations, and practical exercises to help you break free from past conditioning.
