Having friends can feel like a chosen family. And when we accept these people into our lives we may ignore certain things about them because we grow to love and care for them. And we may not realize when it is time to leave.
Leaving a friendship can be scary. There are a lot of reasons why we won’t leave a friendship. One reason is because we aren’t aware of how bad it actually is. We usually don’t realize until we leave the friendship or we experience better. Another reason is because we are terrified of being alone or feeling like we have no one. We are social creatures and being accepted is a need. We don’t want to be perceived as a “lonely loser” by society. It can feel better being mistreated but having a social circle than not having one. It is easier staying friends than having to start over.
We may stay in a bad friendship out of fear of how the other person will react. Or because we have an image of how we hope the friendship will go or change and hold onto hope for it to get better. There is history there and there were good times. Another reason is because you may be afraid of letting someone down, feeling guilty or feeling trapped because they are going through a hard time. You feel “I can’t leave them now, they need me.”
There are so many reasons and the reasons make it feel harder to leave the friendship. More times than not bad friendships hurt us more than help us. So how do you know when it is time to leave a friendship?
Friends joke around and talk smack to each other and that is perfectly fine and healthy. It is unhealthy if you have a friend or friends that make you the target of jokes. They maybe even joke on you or deliberately put you down in front of others to uplift themselves and make them seem better. You either feel bad with them or you leave feeling bad. They will put your character down, call you names, and laugh at you, not with.
Trust is really major in any relationship. Trust is a part of the foundation of our relationships and if we don’t have trust, we don’t have emotional or physical security.
In an unhealthy relationship, you know if you tell them something others will hear it. They aren’t good at keeping your business to themselves. If you ask them not to do something, they may do it anyways. You may feel like they don’t have your best interest at heart. What you tell them could be used against you later. You don’t feel like you can trust them or their motives.
This is a big one especially if you have a friend of many years. People are always changing and evolving. If you are growing and trying to do better for yourself and they are stuck in the same patterns and want to stay the same, what does that do for you? That can make you regress or feel like they are harder to relate to. Never growing means they aren’t willing to change things that are harmful. That affects you big time. It is always better to revolve yourself around people that want to grow with you.
It is important to be there for our friends in need. There will always be times when we will be more negative in our lives and that isn’t a problem. It becomes a problem when they are always negative. Just an overall negative person. It is draining to be around them. And you may stick around because you feel sorry for them or feel that you can help them change. No one changes unless they want to change. You can’t force change on someone.
Ultra negative people don’t learn until they realize how it is affecting them and others and sometimes that means having no friends. Even if they are going through a really bad time and they are being so negative it is hurting you, it is okay to take a breather. You are allowed that. You should never stay friends with someone just because you pity them. That will hurt you in the end and cause you to harbor resentment since you are maintaining a friendship you genuinely aren’t happy with anymore.
Confront them and let them know how much their negativity is affecting you and let them decide if they want to do something about it. It doesn’t matter what they are going through, they still have the right to know how they are affecting others. There are professionals out there that help with that sort of thing. A friend is that extra support.
What is respect? Respect is the way we treat someone and it is usually an admiration for someone. When someone disrespects you they aren’t treating you well. With respecting boundaries, we put up boundaries to protect ourselves from people making us feel uncomfortable or unsafe. When people don’t respect that it makes us feel uneasy.
With a toxic friend they won’t care about your boundaries or respecting you as a person. They won’t acknowledge that you have wants or needs. Your friend may even get mad at you for having boundaries. They will do things you don’t like, say or talk about things you asked them not to.
We as people like to be acknowledged and appreciated. We want to be shown we are loved or cared for typically through our love languages. Your friend may not say thank you or show appreciation when you do something for them or when you go out of your way for them. Little or no words of appreciation, doesn’t really uplift you or make you feel good. Just doesn’t express that you mean anything to them. You may feel underappreciated or even used.
In any bad relationship you will feel like you can’t openly be yourself. You may feel like you need to hide things about yourself or feel like you have to protect yourself. There may be a shallow feeling to your friendship or maybe even feel like you have to change yourself when you are with them to fit their narrative. There is just an uneasy feeling of not being able to be yourself when you are around them.
In friendships or any relationship it is always important to give but not to the point where you are over giving and not receiving the same love and respect back. When you go to speak they aren’t really listening or they interrupt you to make it about them. You are constantly giving and not getting anything.
You are there for them, listening to them, maybe spending money on them and doing their favorite things.Everything feels like it is about them, their needs and little to do about you. It is usually their way and you aren’t really considered. It is mainly take and giving little back.
When our conscious mind isn’t facing something, our subconscious mind will let us know. You may have body symptoms that you don’t recognize. Being with your friend or the thought of your friend may make you feel like a weight is on your chest, your heart may beat fast, you feel flush all over, your stomach feels funny. Anxiety will be present.
Overall your muscles and body may be tense and it can be so subtle you don’t realize or it can be very apparent. You may be in more of a bad mood before or after seeing them. You just feel life is more stressful with them around.
Friends are meant to be a stress reliever not a stress giver.
In healthy relationships it should feel like a healthy dynamic where you can express your feelings about all kinds of topics including when you feel they have hurt you in some way. In toxic friendships you feel like you cant say what you want.
It feels like you have to be careful of what say and how say it. It feels like walking on egg shells. You feel like you cant express your feelings or talk about certain topics as it will create a huge problem. Addressing their flaws is a no go as they aren’t willing to hear it. So it feels better to keep things to yourself.
Manipulation is when someone tries to control you or your behavior through using hidden indirect, deceptive tactics. So your friend may try to get you to do things or be someone you don’t want to be through guilt or manipualting you.
They may throw things in your face, throw in hidden digs or make you feel terrible or like you are doing something. They usually have a hidden agenda and control issues. You may feel guilty not answering their calls, not telling them something or if you couldn’t do something for them.
Sometimes we hold onto things because they have been in our lives for a really long time. There is history there, we don’t want to start over that is exhausting. They know a lot and we don’t want to let go of a long time friendship. That is not only painful but it can feel like a potential waste of years and we don’t like to feel that way.
If you are feeling one of the major reasons you are holding on to a friendship is because you have been friends for a while, then that can be really unhelpful and unhealthy for you. That is like holding onto a deceased loved one because there used to be a relationship there.
Letting go can be hard. It is even harder holding on to an unhealthy relationship. It can be tough recognizing when it is time to leave. So if you feel a handful of these things and think of a specific person(s) it may be time to let go.
What do you guys think? Could you relate to any of these? Are there more you can think of? Have an experience you would like to share? Leave it all in the comments below!
