Growing Up In An Abusive Home: The Scapegoat, The Lost, And The Golden Child

It is natural to have somewhat different experiences growing up with your siblings in the same home. But when it comes to growing up in an abusive home one could feel your abusive parent was the best parent in the world and another could think they were incredibly abusive and horrible. The majority of your siblings could feel the parent was great. And you could be the outcast that felt it was dysfunctional and toxic.

Either way those polar opposites show something is wrong and no it does not mean you are crazy or your siblings are. You were brought up completely and totally differently. These circumstances usually happen in abusive homes but a lot of the time it is when a parent is a narcissist. In an earlier post, I did on Narcissism, I talked about what a narcissist is and how they can subtly abuse you. It is even worse when you grow up with a narcissistic parent because it seems normal and you don’t know any different. The constant shifts in treatment and moods are confusing for an innocent trusting child.

You or maybe your siblings will notice you all were treated differently. You may not have noticed at the time but you all were abused in different ways. The different ways of abuse are broken down in three terms: the scapegoat, the lost and the golden child. Your role to your abusive parent can shift at any time. Some have only experienced one and some children have experienced all three in their upbringing. It all depends on who is pleasing or displeasing your narcissistic parent at the time.

The Scapegoat

The scapegoat a.k.a the one that gets blamed for everything gets the most torment. The “identified patient.” You are the one your narcissistic parent will come after when things are going wrong. You could have absolutely nothing to do with it but your parent will still find a twisted way to make it your fault. Not only are you to blame but you are also subjected to their emotional and verbal abuse the most. This can cause you to become rebellious and go against your parent since there is nothing to lose or it can sometimes cause you to become submissive and quiet to escape further abuse. You could even go in between both coping mechanisms.

You are the butt of all the jokes, the one that gets less than your other siblings, the problem child, the one who’s needs matter less than everyone else’s. Because of all this mistreatment, you are the one that sees the abuse the most and disagrees with your narcissistic parent, the ultimate sin. You are the one that may stand up for the wrongdoings in your house and may even feel like you need to fix your broken family. Being the scapegoat opens your eyes more so than the other siblings because there’s less love bombing and good times and more mistreatment. This type of mistreatment could also lead you to resent your siblings. You are hurt, angry and want to verbalize it and be heard.

You have a mind of your own and can’t be as easily manipulated as your other siblings. This is a threat to your narcissistic parent. Narcissistic parents view their children as extensions of themselves, people they can control and you are one that your abusive parent can’t mold into who they want. When your parent is upset they will look for you to yell at, they want to gaslight you and make you feel crazy for thinking outside of them.

The Golden Child

The golden child a.k.a the favorite has big shoes to fill. You are basically the abusers one they chose to favor and to use as their doll. Golden children are picked to conform to the abusers’ demands and if you don’t you will be criticized, ridiculed, shamed and punished. You have to be perfect. When you follow all your abusers demands, it is rewarded with a lot of love bombing. Because of the two extremes, you are conditioned and forced to follow what your parent wants. You become who they want to escape the abuse.

One of the way narcissists get their supply is by being needed and having the golden child relay on them. You are pampered but with a price, you are to be who your narcissist parent wants you to be. You are talked out of being independent and taught to be dependent on your parent. As the golden child, you may be told who to be, what to wear, what to do, bought everything, praised when you meet your abusers demands, disciplined when you don’t.

From the sounds of it, maybe it doesn’t seem so terrible. It seems like you get treated better than the other kids. Some say being the golden child is worse because of the constant manipulation where you get to see what seems as love but is not. Because of this, it is much harder to see the abuse and that is why the golden child may see the parent as the best in the world. Over time you lose your ability to think for yourself and you grow up to think as the narcissist. The golden child is the most like out of any of the children to follow in their abusive parents’ footsteps and become a narcissist themselves.

The Lost Child

The lost child a.k.a the invisible one that tries to stay quiet. In some families the narcissistic parent is so busy with tormenting the other siblings, one or two may be left on their own. In these cases you will notice yourself having little to no parental guidance. You just float in the background getting by. Your parent most likely will pay little attention to you and you try to stay out of the way as much as possible.

Since you are on your own you are pretty much raising yourself and having to be your own parent. Because of the lack of parental guidance you will notice yourself dreaming a lot and looking for outside guidance. You may be a loner and try to be by yourself to escape from the family chaos. This causes you to have a hard time forming relationships and devolve poor communication skills.

Being the lost child means you are not perceived as a threat like the scapegoat and you are not a good enough source of supply like the golden child. You still are subjected to emotional abuse and neglect but to a different agree than your siblings.

Now you can see why the family dynamic would be so broken.

One of the reasons why there is such a shift in your sibling dynamic is because narcissistic parents will try to pin you guys against each other. The more of a wedge there is between you guys, the less likely you guys can come together and talk to each other about what is going on. They can have you guys against each other all while making sure to have the loyalty of all the children. Sometimes it is even to  prevent the possibility of you and your siblings from teaming up against your parent.

The narcissistic parent will do this by making up lies, spreading rumors, spreading gossip or having you or your siblings gang up on the scapegoat.

Growing up in a narcissistic family is so tough. The turmoil, healing and acceptance that comes with it is exhausting. It is unfortunate that it happens but the more educated we become, the more likely we can prevent it from happening in the future. So hang on and know you are not alone. There are others that feel your pain, just know you are not crazy and you are believed. Sometimes it is possible to heal the dynamic between your siblings and sometimes it is best to let it go.

What do you guys think? Have more to add? Want to share personal experiences? Leave it all in the comments below!