Emotions can be challenging to deal with at times. Especially if we see them as negative, when we think emotions are negative we think we are not supposed to feel them and that is not true. These emotions are here to tell us something, they have evolved for a purpose. So they should not be seen as negative but more so uncomfortable.
With these uncomfortable emotions, oftentimes we are unsure how to deal with them so then we will suppress them which means we actively push thoughts and feelings out of our conscious. Now they get trapped in your body and these emotions have to come out some way so then they will come out in anxiety, addiction, rage, depression, or repression which means your emotions get buried so far deep that you unconsciously avoid them and it’s now in your unconscious mind.
The reason we won’t deal with our emotions is because we learn how to deal with our emotions through our parents and if our parents teach us unhealthy ways to deal with them then we too won’t have a clue on how to work through them.
We often think that emotions come first and then our body reacts but that is not true. Really what happens is a situation happens, we form an interpretation about it with our thoughts, we then get a sensation from those thoughts, which we then put a label on that sensation and then we feel or express that emotion. All of this happens in a split second.
For instance, your friend won’t answer the phone and you guys had plans. You then get a thought about it.. oh they are blowing me off. This then creates sensations of maybe a hot face, you feel adrenaline, your first clenches which you then label as being angry. Then you think how you will ignore this person if they reach out or you are going to send them an angry text. This all happened from this very first story or interpretation you had about a situation.
Now let us think of this situation again but we will change how we see it. So let’s play that scenario again, your friend is not answering your phone call. You get a thought, oh I wonder what happened? Maybe they are not their phone. You then get sensations of wonder, confusion, you are now curious. You then will reach out again, maybe wait for their call or go and do something else until they reach out again. Same event, two different interpretations. That’s how quickly your emotions can change, all with a change of a thought.
So understanding that, how do we deal with our emotions when we are uncomfortable and how do we work through them?
Before reacting to your emotion, get to the root. Identify what the emotion is and why you are feeling it. What situation happened? Why are you feeling this way? What thoughts are you having? You want to be a little detective and get to the root of the issue. The main thing is you want to get all the details so you can understand what happened and your feelings. You want the self-awareness so you can understand your inner dialogue. Journaling can be a helpful tool to help you get to the root so it is not just all jumbled in your head.
Once you identify, you want to ask yourself what is the story that is playing in your head about that? Bad things happen to us but we come up with our own story and perspective on it. When something happened, you do not entirely know why it happened or why someone did what they did. We as humans don’t like uncertainty so we will fill in the blanks. That is why you may ruminate, you are trying to gain insight on something about why something happened because it makes you uncomfortable and we do not like to be uncomfortable.
So our brains will fill in the blanks and come up with different scenarios of why someone did what they did or imagine the situation without really knowing what happened. The problem with that is a lot of us will stay in a negative state where we will fill that negative story over and over again and it fuels that fire. When we feel negative about something, our brain will bring it up over and over as it wants clarity and to be comfortable and to come to some sort of resolution.
Horrible things can happen, people can do terrible things to us but no one can make us feel anything. we feel them on our own based on the way we interpret the situation as we talked about earlier. We have to understand our feelings and our reactions are our responsibility. You are allowed to feel however you want with whatever happens to you but ultimately you have to accept that how you react is up to you. So we can and should acknowledge when someone harms or mistreats us but we can also take responsibility for what we do when it does happen.
So when you are in an emotional state for however long you are in it, you are choosing to stay in that state. And that is okay sometimes we may need to spend some time feeling that emotion or being negative. But you have to be aware when you are doing it so long that you are not doing anything else. That is then when it is a choice.
That is a good time to call yourself out where maybe you are venting too much or you are letting yourself off the hook too much, making too many excuses for yourself. There needs to be a healthy balance of feeling your emotions but also recognizing when it is time to soothe yourself. When you stay in a victim state like everyone is doing everything to you, you then feel helpless and out of control. It is a lot more empowering owning your emotion and then deciding to do something about it.
Not only in times of feeling uncomfortable do you want to acknowledge, self soothe, nurture and love yourself through it but you also want to be able to identify the stories that play through your head. You want to be able to recognize when you are replaying this negative story. Or the story that you do not have enough evidence to back it up. So before you come to your ultimate conclusion, you want to challenge yourself to ensure you have all the facts to back it up. For instance, if something happens and you immediately think x,y, and z are the reason why it happened, challenge yourself and be like wait a minute, what proof do I have that this happened? What evidence do I have? Did they tell me that this happened? Did someone else tell me? How do you know it actually happened?
Or if you are someone that gets very stuck in the future, ask yourself “how does this benefit me right now? Is this something that I need to worry about right now? Is this a real concern or am I making it a concern? could this be a story I am playing out in my head because it is a fear?” You want to ask yourself how this affects you now and this also can be applied when overly thinking about the past as well. Identify what is in your control? Does it really help you to stay in this negative state?
Or when someone hurts you, you want to look at the bigger picture. Sometimes it is not personal, it is something on their end. For instance, passive-aggressive people. That truly is a personal issue on their end for not knowing how to speak up but they will take it out on you. Those are the times when you want to look at yourself and not take it so personally. Challenge that story.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions. When something happens and you interpret it a certain way don’t be afraid to confront the person. Let them know how you are taking something and ask for clarification. Or you can ask them if this is what they meant or is this what they were intending. We can fill in the blanks and not realize it isn’t what they meant from the story we told ourselves.
Finally, if you are having a hard time getting out of a funk, you have to take action and do things differently. Sometimes it takes an action to get out of a bad headspace. So that means exercising, going for a walk, listening to some music, hanging with some friends, have a laugh, go to the mall and do some shopping, do things you usually enjoy, getting creative. Pay attention to your needs and give yourself that need. And if all else fails then just smile. Smiling will trick your brain and send happy hormones like dopamine and serotonin. Try it now! Be angry and then smile. See, couldn’t stay mad for too long.
All in all, it is okay to have your emotions but just understand, the longer you stay in it, the more it becomes a choice.
What do you guys think? leave it all in the comments below!
