Caring for what other people think comes from early childhood. From the time we are young, we are programmed to care and think of other’s opinions. This is because we constantly are needing to ask other people’s permission and their approval. We are constantly seeking permission and also validation. Asking things like “Is it okay to do this?” Or ” am I allowed to do this?” As you get older that does not stop. You still ask people if it is okay to do things. We still seek validation.
Also, we have a fear of rejection. We as humans, all fear rejection as we are social creatures. We all want to feel like we belong and we are apart of society. So we want to avoid those uncomfortable feelings because of the fear of how people will respond. All of that causes you to not trust yourself and continue the cycle. You are continuously asking for other’s permission or avoiding saying things because you are afraid of what others will think or how others will perceive you.
This especially is major in toxic homes where you have narcissistic parents where they say things like ” You can’t do this, what will people think? We will look this certain way if you do this.” This is them projecting their own insecurities and fears onto you. This then causes you to live in fear and also causes you to doubt your own decisions. This is because your first thought is “let me think what other people are thinking first before I think of my own opinion”. So you may live your life based on how other people are thinking and based on the fear of how people will respond to you.
Now as an adult, this is something you need to work on and correct. So how do you do stop caring what others think?
You need to accept that people are going to think negative things, feel negatively about you. And you need to understand that it is not your responsibility to fix it or their feelings are not your responsibility. It is okay for people to feel negatively about you or not like something about you. You could be the sweetest peach but not everyone is going to like peaches. Sometimes it has nothing to do with you, it is not a personal issue. Sometimes it has a lot to do with them. Especially strangers telling you random negative things. Hurt people, hurt people. They are most likely dealing with their own personal struggle. Accept that people are allowed to feel negative things and you don’t have to take it on and you don’t need to please everyone or make everyone comfortable.
You are in control of your own feelings, you are not in control of their feelings. You can not control how they perceive you or feel about you. So focus on what you can control which is yourself, how you are reacting to things/dealing with things. That is the only thing you can control, you can’t control how this person is taking it in. Let go of that control and accept that people are going to feel things.
Another thing is if you’re afraid of people thinking negatively about you, a lot of times people will think something negative and then they will move on with their life. They will have one thought and then they will bring their attention back to themselves. Everyone is focusing on themselves just like you’re focused on yourself. Everyone is pretty self revolved and think about themselves. They are not thinking about you the same way you think about yourself.
Since as a child you had to ask others for their approval, you lost trust in yourself. You now need to work on trusting yourself. So you need to stop asking others’ opinions or seeking permission from people. So stop asking if it is okay to do things and stop seeking that validation.
You need to give yourself the validation first. Things like ” I like this outfit, I’m going to wear it.” Or ” This is how I feel, although I am open to how others feel, I will not change my opinion just because I am scared of what others will think. So give yourself that validation first, love yourself first, and stop looking for what others saying. You want to listen to your intuition and what feels right to you and not listening to that insecurity/self-doubt.
You get to choose who’s opinion matters. So let’s say your mom is saying something really valid and makes sense to you, you then can take that opinion in and you can change based on that opinion. But let’s say a stranger is saying something negative to you, you can choose to let it go!
That opinion does not matter and is a waste of energy to you. They are not a part of your inner circle. You get to choose who matters and whose opinion is valid. So since it is a choice, you don’t have to let others’ opinions affect you that you don’t want. You are spending negative energy on them and it is taking away from positive energy towards yourself.
Every time you get a thought of ” what does this person think? what will they say?” Replace it with “what do I think? How do I feel? What is my opinion?” So you always want to keep going back to what you’re thinking and what is in your mind. That will retrain your brain from wondering what others are thinking to how does it affect you and what you feel about something. What do you want? This is also another way to validate your own feelings instead of waiting for others.
When you ask yourself what you think, go ahead and do it. Next time you are getting a good feeling about something and you like it, go and do it, Don’t let all those fear-based thoughts get in your head and keep you from doing things that you genuinely want to do. Always do things out of your comfort zone to expand your horizons. And when I say out of your comfort zone, I mean safely. Don’t try and go in someone’s apartment alone when you don’t really know them. Things to expose yourself safely.
Sometimes you have a hard time saying things to people even people that are close to you. You just have a hard time confronting others. So the thing you want to do is, before confronting someone you want to think about your intention. Why are you going up to this person to speak with them? What is your end goal? Do you want them to hear you out? Do you want them to fix something? What is your intention?
You also want to think about the certain person you will be speaking to. You want to identify this person. Are they someone that is a good listener? Are they someone that is defensive? Know your audience. That way it will help you come up with a plan on how to get reach your end goal, how to compromise. You need to identify things that you can or can’t say and what exactly want this person to know. This is because not everyone is deserving to know all the information about you.
Allow people to feel their feelings and don’t immediately react. Don’t let ego take over and you immediately get angry and defensive. Or you may feel like you need to fix it immediately. people are going to feel negative. Allow them to feel that way, don’t react off of that. Take it slow. You don’t have to immediately have the answers. just take your time and think exactly about your feelings. A lot of times people get into bigger explosions because they react off of ego, their immediate emotion. You want to take some time so you don’t react but think about your intention.
Also keep in mind, just because someone feels negative towards you that does not mean they will abandon you or immediately not like you. Sometimes people will feel negative towards you and ghat is okay. That is something you need to come to terms with. That is why people will have a fear of confrontation, They fear rejection or what will happen so they avoid it. It is better if you accept that they will be negative, you may feel bad and it does not immediately go to you getting abandoned or them not liking you.
Only unhealthy people will react like that towards you. Unless of course if you’re doing something severe like stabbing their mom. But that is black and white thinking, think worst-case scenario. This is an insecurity you need to deal with in yourself. Rejection is okay. It is a helpful way for us to know that maybe that person or that specific thing is not right for us. It sucks and it hurts at the time but at least now you know rather than investing energy into it.
You can walk away at any time. If you feel like you are getting emotional or feeling anxious you have the option to walk away and know you are not stuck. If the emotions are rising you can throw in the towel and agree to disagree. Especially if they are raising they are being disrespectful and raising their voice. You can always let them know you can speak later when they don’t speak to you in that way.
Now in the future, you realize maybe you need to do things differently like set boundaries or deal with them in a different way. Or maybe even you realize they are no longer healthy in your life.
What do you guys think? How to you deal with other peoples opinions? Leave it all in the comments below!
