Self-love is something that is talked about so often but not really shown how to practice. I have so many clients that have issues with self-love and they tell me they hear about loving yourself but have no idea how to do it or where to start. Self-love is a constant practice, it’s not just something you feel overnight. Sometimes we don’t know how to love ourselves because we were abandoned or abused or had an emotionally neglectful upbringing. So we live our life feeling wounded and scarred and we allow others to mistreat us because we don’t treat ourselves well. We can’t have loving healthy relationships without having a healthy loving relationship with our self first. So how are some ways we can practice self-love?
Sometimes we don’t love ourselves because we are angry at ourselves or hate the choices we made. I wrote a post here on how to forgive yourself and others. Forgiveness can help us move on from traumas in our lives so we can move forward. If you are stuck in the past on things you did or things others did to you, you can’t have a healthy relationship with yourself or others. Forgiveness is for ourselves, not for anyone else.
If you grew up without the nurturing you needed then you’ll notice yourself feeling like you have something missing. And because you feel like something is missing you will find things to fill that empty space. You may try to fill it with drugs, alcohol, relationships, intimacy, sex, work or even food. Take some time and nurture that inner child. Tell yourself things you wish you heard as a child. Things like ” You did a good job.” or ” You are going to be okay.” or “I’m here for you.” or “Your needs are important to me.” Remember you are talking to your inner child so say nurturing like things you need to hear. Go back and heal those wounds that may have never been dealt with.
You can’t love yourself or anyone if you feel like there is a hole in your heart. It may be fulfilled for a second when you use those addictions but as soon as it’s gone you are left feeling empty again. That is why it is important to get to the root of the problem so you can heal and not feel like you need those things like a relationship and intimacy, but have them because you want them. Give yourself the care and nurture to grow as a person that you haven’t experienced.
We all have different traumas we have been through. Some are easier than others to get past. Moving on from memories that feel like they keep you trapped in those experiences can help heal you. Instead of it being a constant memory in your direct vision, allow it to be something that happened that is on the side of your mind rather than the front. These scars and wounds may never completely heal and may resurface from time to time but freeing yourself from the constant thought can free up space in your mind. Let go of past mistakes, let go of past anger and disappointments, let go of past resentment, let go of past relationships that failed. Close your eyes, take a deep breath and let it go. Sorry, Elsa not trying to take your line.
Self-awareness is when we focus our attention on ourselves and we evaluate our thoughts, feelings, and motivations. Being aware of ourselves makes us feel more confident and makes us more aware of our choices so we are less likely to make ones that hurt us. We become in tune with our feelings and perceptions of the world. You can use this as a guide to become aware of the things in your life you need to change. Self-awareness can not only help you understand yourself but it helps you understand the people around you. It helps to understand how they perceive you and how to respond to them. Self-awareness can make you feel more at peace and better able to communicate. So don’t forget to spend some time with yourself and reflect on your thoughts, and situations in your life.
Comparing ourselves to others is the ultimate killer of loving oneself. Instead of building ourselves up we are tearing ourselves down. Every single person moves at their own pace at their own time. You can’t live the same life as everyone else. You can’t be someone else. We can see things others have and strive towards them and use it as motivation. But we don’t have to let others lives dictate how we should be or how our life should go. They have different circumstances than you. You are you and the things you have been through make you, you. That is a lot of yous’! There is only ONE you. We don’t all have to be a Sarah. Be a Cynthia.
People pleasing can be addicting. You just want everyone to be happy and you want everyone to like you. This is especially hard when you have low levels of self-esteem, we look for the approval of others. At the end of the day, you can’t please everyone because either you or someone will wind up unhappy. You could be the sweetest peach and there will always be someone that doesn’t like peaches. You can’t make everyone happy! It is an impossible, unrealistic expectation of yourself.
Understand sometimes people will be upset with you. Accept peoples criticism and learn from it. Use it as a guide to do better. I don’t mean peoples abusiveness, I mean constructive criticism that can help you do better. The better we feel about ourselves, the more we can deal with others disappointments and criticism.
We become who we surround ourselves with. If you surround yourself with troublemakers you will find yourself getting into trouble. we teach others how they should treat us, we can’t be mistreated without allowing it to happen. That is why it’s important to be around people that support you, motivate you and all around show you love and care and value you. Have healthy boundaries for yourself to go by. If you don’t have people in your current life you can lean on and trust, go out and find them! There are meetups and groups you can go to.
You should have people that make you feel good and people you can trust and turn to when things are rough. People that will be honest with you and have your best interest at heart. If we don’t have a good support system to lean on we will find ourselves feeling lonely and depressed. Surrounding yourself with loving loved ones will embrace love for yourself.
When people say trust your gut that generally means trust your instinct. An instinct is something you don’t need to learn its a feeling that you know what to do. You generally know what is good for you. Trust yourself when you feel something. It’s okay to ask outside people for advice and gather as much insight as you’d like. At the end of the day, you are the one that has to live with your choices so make sure you trust yourself and go with your gut. Listen to your intuition.
A lot of us go through life unaware of our needs or are too scared to express them. As a child, we trusted adults to take care of our needs and were told how to act, feel and behave. Most of us were not encouraged to venture off and discover our own wants and needs. Some of us were taught that our needs didn’t matter. We felt helpless and sometimes today as adults we still feel like that helpless child.
Really sit with yourself and identify your needs. What kinds of things are essential in your life? What can you ask others to help you with? Try to think, what do you need from others? What do you need for yourself? And when you do identify your needs, make sure you go out and tell others. No one can read your mind, you have to express your needs to others otherwise they won’t be met. Don’t just tell others but follow through to make sure they are met.
What genuinely makes you happy? Is it spending time with kids? Do you enjoy taking baths? Meditating? Spa day? Take time for yourself every day even if its fifteen minutes to do something. By doing this you are telling yourself you are important. It is very important you always take time out for yourself and to take care of your needs. We are a much better, happier functioning person when we take time out for ourselves. There is a reason why on airplanes they have you put your mask on before anyone else. You can’t put a mask on a helpless child if you are passed out in the seat. You have to take care of yourself before you can take care of anyone else. We can’t give from an empty wagon. You will feel like a better partner, mother, father, friend etc.when you do things that make you feel good.
There are good things and bad things about ourselves. Recognize your strengths and weaknesses. We are all not perfect. Tell yourself the good about you. Own your flaws and fears. If we just act like we are all good that leads to disappointments and inability to accept things when we are wrong. If we just think we are all bad it leads to depression and we live a less fulfilled life because we just expect ourselves to be bad and feel that nothing good will happen to us. Look in the mirror or write out the good about you and our flaws. Part of self-love is being aware of our flaws and owning them. Be honest and true to yourself.
We all make mistakes, don’t be so hard on yourself. Talk to yourself in a way you would talk to a friend in need. Watch those negative thoughts and that negative self-talk. Be gentle and speak gently towards yourself. Let yourself know its okay to be imperfect. You are perfectly imperfect. And that is okay. So next time you mess up or make a mistake, take a deep breath, remember tomorrows a new day and learn from it rather than be mean to yourself. It’s not the mistakes we make but how we come back from those mistakes that matter. Give yourself a break next time you want to be hard on yourself.
There you have it. Here are some ways to practice self-love. It is something that is important to try every day and not forget about yourself. Your body and brain will not only thank you but your loved ones will as well! Now it is your turn to go out and do it!
What do you think? Do you have more to add that you can share with others? What are some ways you practice self-love? Share in the comments below!
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