Are you someone who explodes at the littlest things? Things aren’t going your way so you throw the thing that’s in your hand or become violently angry. Maybe you even become violent with your words and scream at the top of your lungs. You snap if someone says the wrong thing or when any emotion is involved. Usually, anger just comes out.
As a child, we are taught by our parents how to cope with our emotions. Were you taught that your emotions didn’t matter? Shown aggressive abusive behavior? Taught to suppress them? Encouraged to express them? If you have anger issues you most likely were not taught how to handle your emotions correctly. Expressing anger can be a taught behavior.
You see most of the time anger is a secondary emotion that comes out first. Your first emotion like sadness, hurt, fear or confusion gets buried deep down and may come out much later after you’ve reacted to the anger and rage. Let’s go through why you may be so angry.
This, in my opinion, is one of the top reasons people are angry. Since you were not taught how to express your emotions in a healthy way you bury them deep down to the point where you can’t recognize what emotion you are feeling and thus that is when anger comes out. You maybe want to tell someone but you have a hard time identifying what you are feeling or trying to say.
Sometimes children are punished for having certain feelings and have grown to not acknowledge a lot of their emotions. In childhood you may have been surrounded by anger and that’s one of the only ways you know how to communicate. Maybe you try to communcate but the wrong thing comes out or you are misunderstood. The only way you have learned how to communicate is through anger and frustration from lack of understanding yourself and knowing how to cope with your emotions and share them in a healthy way.
Become self-aware. When you feel like you are about to scream recognize it before you are in too deep of a rage. Take deep breaths until you feel calm. Ask yourself, what am I feeling? A lot of people start with “I don’t know.” Since this may be something new to you, you can find something called a feeling wheel online.
When you find it pick out some of the words on there that describe what you’re feeling. After you pick out some of those feelings ask yourself what is making me feel this way? Are you feeling overwhelmed because there is a lot on your plate right now? Are you dissatisfied with how your life is going? Figure out what is going on and take steps to take care of the issue in your life. If you can’t fix it at the moment try to see it from a different perspective.
Unfortanly life is unfair and people will mistreat us. That can harbor resentment especially if we never got to express how much their mistreatment tormented us. Or if we never heard any acknowledgment from the things they did whatsoever. This can stem from childhood. Resentment can especially be brought out when we are around the person that’s toxic. It can happen when we are reminded of things that person has done and that’s when random anger happens as well.
If you can’t express to that person what’s wrong or they don’t acknowledge it, it can create a lot of ill feelings. Something that helps with resentment is forgiveness. I know, I know, you are probably thinking forgiveness!? That’s the last thing I want to do! Hear me out! You can read about forgiveness here in my how to forgive post. It’ll give some clarity.
First, figure out what is making you so resentful! Talk it out with someone like a therapist if it helps or you can journal it. You may be surprised with what you realize. Re-visit the times in your life that have made you feel hurt and resentful and play out how you wish it had happened instead or how you wish the person treated you. It may be really hard and painful at first so do it slowly if you need to. Then consider if that person is healthy in your life or if you can get past this. Writing out your feelings and then burning it or ripping it up can be another useful tool.
I know this seems weird because anxiety is usually associated with panic but irritability is a symptom of anxiety! Some people don’t show the typical nervousness when they’re anxious. Sometimes they will be straight up angry and irritated. In reality, you may just be anxious about something and it comes out in the wrong way. One of the first signs I’m having anxiety is I become really irritable and angry. Depression also can cause anger because I mean you are unhappy and feel hopeless and struggle with your negative feelings. The great Sigmund Freud says Depression is anger turned inwards. And more and more studies are proving that he’s onto something. A lot of people turn their anger towards themselves.
Take note of when you’re starting to get snippy and realize you might be having anxiety. Once recognized, Remind yourself you are having anxiety and if someone you trust is close by, fill them in on what’s going on. They can help coach you through it. Or use breathing and meditating techniques. There are so many anxiety techniques which I’ll be talking about soon. When it comes to depression recognize if you may be depressed. Figure out if you need to do reach out for help, especially if you’re having negative thought patterns towards yourself.
Feeling a loss of control in one’s life can create so many problems. Lack of control feels like a lack of security and when we feel like we don’t have security, we panic. If you are someone who doesn’t express yourself, this can make you angry and lash out. We will find things we can control in any way we can. This may mean aggressively and angrily controlling the relationships or situations in your life you can’t necessarily control.
Take control of the things you can control! You can’t control others or how certain things turn out. We can’t control the unknown but you can control yourself. You can’t control your family, friends, significant others or what life throws at you. You can control what you wear, how you express yourself, who you surround yourself with, what you do with your time, how you react to things. Focus on those things when you feel yourself getting angry at things you can’t control. Set healthy boundaries for yourself and others. Don’t give all your power away because although you may not be able to control certain things in your life right now, you still have control over yourself.
Who wouldn’t be angry if life just seems like it sucks all the time? Aside from these thought patterns causing depression like we talked about above, it can make you angry! Do you notice yourself seeing the glass half empty in a majority of situations? and then explaining it as being realistic? Come on, be honest, you know you do! Do you have a tendency to say negative things about others? When you have pessimistic views and think negatively you tend to think the worst of things or the worst will happen. That sounds pretty miserable! You probably catch yourself saying negative things and getting angry at whatever negative thing you’re talking about.
Catch yourself in the act! Realize when you are or have others call you out. It takes five positive to negate one negative. For every negative comment you say, say a couple positive! For instance let’s say something happens and you already deem that today is going to be a bad day. Pause, recognize what you just said and remind yourself of the positives like your health or you have clean water, a place to live, a best friend you can call, that you can turn the day around etc. Or let’s say you see someone and you think they’re dressed ugly. Pause, recognize what you said and think of the positives like maybe they really like that outfit, praise them for feeling confident enough to wear it. What are some positive that negate the negative statements?
“You will not be punished for your anger,you will be punished by your anger.”-Buddah
Understanding why we are angry or an angry person helps lead us in a better direction to get help. All these things aren’t easy, working on yourself is hard! Especially when it comes to trying to cope with our feelings. Things happen to us that cause us to be who we are and feel what we feel and although it sucks we don’t have to let it paralyze us. We can work on it and we can better ourselves. I hope this helped you better understand!
What do you think? Do you feel there are other reasons why someone may be angry? Do you have any tips or tricks that help you when you’re feeling angry? Leave it in the comments below!
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