Identifying what a healthy relationship looks like can be tough as a lot of us didn’t see healthy relationships growing up. Maybe we did not see what healthy communication looks like, what love is, or what it feels like to be in a loving relationship. It is not something we all get to see in our upbringing. We then do not really know what to look out for and we can get stuck in unhealthy toxic relationships. We can become addicted to those people that give us inconsistent. So it is important to educate ourselves on what a healthy relationship looks like. We don’t want to repeat the mistakes of our parents or our past toxic relationships.
The first point I think is important to bring up is the fact that in today’s world, we focus too much on what other people are doing for us. We can sometimes make it all about me, me, me. The thing is, a relationship is a two-way street. Don’t get me wrong of course you are important and your needs are important. You need to priortize yourself first but in a relationship, there needs to be reciprocation. It is important you are giving the same thing you expect. So whatever you expect of your partner, you need to expect of yourself as well. If you notice maybe you can’t deliver those things or you’re giving too much then maybe your expectations are too high. Your expectations for yourself and your partner may not be realistic. What you are willing to offer, expect that in your partner as well.
Sometimes we are not able to give our all as sometimes the relationship will be 70/30 and vice versa because we are not always at our best. It is okay for it to be like that for a little while but when it is constantly like that then that is a problem. You need that reciprocation where you got them this time but next time maybe they got you.
For instance, if you notice you’re always paying for things, reaching out first, you make the plans and do the favors that is not a balanced relationship. There needs to be some sort of form where you feel like you are receiving the same energy you are giving. Where you feel like you are a priority too. But you don’t want it to turn into you keeping tabs on them. In a healthy relationship, you and your partner genuinely want to do things for that person because you love and care for each other.
Communicating is something that we all struggle with as we all have our own forms of communication. If you grow up in an unhealthy home, you most likely will struggle with communicating because you were told your wants and needs didn’t matter, you were taught that you had to stay quiet and you could not speak up about things. This then taught you to suppress your feelings. You may not even really be sure about your feelings or understand your feelings. You will either internalize things, keep it to yourself, isolate or react with anger. There may be a fear of communication as you saw in the past, it didn’t really go well.
So you may not able to express your feelings from the fear and lack of awareness/understanding. Which is okay! That just means you need to recognize and understand what you’re feeling so you are better able to express it. You need to remind yourself that it is a safe place now, where you don’t need to hold onto those old unhealthy coping mechanisms and you are able to communicate with your partner now. This is to help heal those inner child wounds.
When it comes to communicating in a healthy relationship, you want to be able to talk to your partner about things in a matter of respect, empathy, and understanding. You want to feel like you feel comfortable and you found someone you can confide in. Understand that part of a healthy relationship is getting into arguments and having those uncomfortable conversations. A lot of times we may try to avoid arguments or think they’re bad but arguments are an important part of a healthy relationship, conflict resolution.
It is important you are able to identify issues. If you are able to identify issues then it shows you are comfortable and are able to be yourself as well as authentically speak about the things that are on your mind. As humans we all have different wants and needs, we are not all the same. In a relationship, you will have different ideas and will need to communicate those things. Don’t think of arguing as something you need to avoid or need to keep the peace. Avoiding is not really keeping the peace, it is suppressing it. When we suppress eventually resentment comes out.
You want to feel you have found someone you feel comfortable discussing these things with and come to some sort of solution in the end. What is the solution to this issue? You want to feel comfortable just sharing daily things that are going on. As well as having that emotional support. You want it to feel like it is a place where you can communicate everything on your mind even if it is uncomfortable or results in an argument. This will help come up with a solution or identify each others’ needs. Go against old habits.
Individuality is important in a healthy relationship because you were your own person before the relationship, you need to be your own person in the relationship and if something were to happen, you will be your own person after the relationship. You want to go into a relationship being a whole person and having your own interests, own friends, opinions, and ideas. This is because a lot of times in relationships we can go into a relationship feeling like half of a person and turn it into that person becoming our other half. It is an unhealthy ideal making your partner your other half because then what happens when they leave? What are you half of a person? That is not healthy.
You were a person before this person so you need to each have your own things going on. Maybe they like bowling and you like football. Have things you do outside of the relationship so you have that time to yourself. You dont want to wind up getting stuck with each other and feeling like you need that person. Being on top of each other also causes petty fights and you may feel like you don’t have eough space. You need you time to gather your thoughts together and be able to self reflect/ identfy how you’re feeling.
It is important you have healthy boundaries where they have their thing going on and they have theirs. Then you are able to come together and do things together. This also gives you guys things to talk about and doesn’t keep the relationship stale.
Sometimes we grow up and we feel like our boundaries were invaded or we were not allowed to have boundaries. So it is important as an adult for you to establish your boundaries. You want to identify what are things that make you comfortable, expect in others, what are some things that you don’t want. What are the things that you will not tolerate?
In all types of relationships, it does not matter how close you are with someone, we all have boundaries. Boundaries are just basically fences we put up to protect ourselves from things we do not want or unhealthy things. It teaches people how to treat us. Establishing healthy boundaries makes you feel comfortable and safe in your relationships. In order to establish healthy boundaries, you need to be clear with your partner. You want to let them know what you want, who you are, your beliefs, your values, and your limits.
We usually have mental, physical, and material boundaries. It is important to understand your boundaries. For instance, maybe you do not like PDA, that is a boundary of yours. It is important your partner respects that boundary. Maybe you do not want them to touch your makeup. Maybe a boundary of your partners is you do not talk about your guys’ sexual history in front of others. You both need to identify your boundaries, speak about them, and respect them.
Respect is a way people treat us. Usually it is an admiring or seeing someone in a high regard. You want someone that will respect you, your opinions, values, and boundaries. It is important they’re respectful towards you and the things you say. They may not always agree with you but they should at least respect you and disagree with you in a respectful way. You want someone who will value you and see you in the up most regard.
Aside from all the serious stuff, you want to be able to have fun and laugh! Fun in a healthy relationship is equally as important as all the other things like communication. You want a relationship where you feel like you can let loose, have a laugh and you can do silly funny things together. Someone you can banter with. As well as go on adventures and bring that little kid out inside of you. As an adult you can still have fun, you don’t want to be a boring adult that just pays bills and has only serious conversations. You want to let loose and poke fun at each other! Be spontaneous.
You want someone that is going to be supportive. We are not always going to agree 100% with our partners’ ideas or the things they’re doing. It is fine if you communicate that with them but you still need to be supportive of that person. You want to do the same as well where you uplift them and make them feel like they can do the things that they really put their mind to.
You want a partner that is going to uplift you rather than put you down or put self-doubt in your mind. Someone that is a cheerleader. Not only is it important that you’re your own cheerleader but also your partner is that too. Cheering you on, really excited for you, having that support.
Not only that but you want someone that is supportive in the bad times, a shoulder to cry on. Someone that is there when you are not doing so well that won’t just give on you because you are going through a hard time. And you have someone that you can confide in that you feel comfortable with. We all need support in our life especially emotional support so your partner needs to be the number 1.
You want your relationship to be a safe place where you can be your authentic self and this person won’t go tell everyone else your business. Where you feel like this person will not put you in any sort of danger. You need that trust in a relationship where you feel like this person got you and has your back.
Trust is one of the most important ones because that is where you build that solid foundation where you can build that emotional stability. Without it, it leads to hurt, vulnerability and stress. You will be unsure if you can count on your partner, you will feel unsafe. So you want to be able to create a foundation where you can build upon that trust. You want to feel like your partner has your back and you feel like you have an equal.
In your relationships, you and your partner want to feel like you can be honest. You both want to be able to be upfront, open, and share things. You don’t want to feel like you’re in a closed off relationship and it is not a safe place where you can share things. That eventually leads to resentment, cheating, and going outside of the relationship.
You want it to feel like it is an open place where you can express things. Not only that but you want to do it in an empathetic type of way. Empathy is important because you want to put yourself in that person’s shoes and think how would I want to be treated? How would I want them to tell me this certain thing?
Sometimes in relationships, we think we cant say this certain thing because it will get me in trouble. But in the end, it is not what you say but how you say it. Empathy will help give you clarity on how to speak about things. It helps put yourself in their shoes and think about how it affects them. You want to be able to relate to that person. Ask yourself “How would this make me feel?” When you do that and think outside of your perspective, it helps you to be able to relate to your partner and it helps to be able to communicate in a different way. you are thinking of their feelings rather than just your own. This makes it feel like an open, honest safe place
We all want to feel wanted and we all feel wanted in different ways. That is why it is good to understand your love language. The five love languages are acts of service which means you like when your person does things like takes out the trash without asking. physical touch like hugs, kissing, holding hands. Words of affirmations where basically they tell you how great you are, the positive things about you, how much they love you. Gifts where they buy you things or surprise you with things. And last is quality time where they take time aside to spend with you. You want to be able to communicate with your partner what makes you feel loved.
Your partner may not have the same love language as you and we give people things that we wish other people would give us. You may be speaking your love language but that does not pertain to them and vice versa. It can make you both feel neglected. So when you are aware of each other’s love languages you can give to each other what makes you feel loved.
It is important that you make each other feel like a priority and you are into that person. Be affection, not just in a physical way but also in the way that you speak to each other. Making each other feel wanted. Your eyes are on each other and it is obvious you guys are interested in one another.
The other part of that is intimacy, what is your sex life like? Intimacy is partially an emotional connection where there is cuddling and things like that but also the sexual part. Everyone has different sex drives. Everyone has different ideas about how sex should go. It is important that you guys can have conversations about that and you have a healthy sex life. There will be times when one or the other is not in the mood and that is okay but you both need to communicate and get on the same page when it comes to sex. You want to be able to connect in that way as sex is an important part of a relationship. You need that as it releases those chemicals like oxytocin and keeps you connected.
Growth is one of the most important because you can’t be with someone that is not willing to grow. Here’s the thing, you are not trying to be with someone because you want them to change. you need to accept them for who they are but you also want to be in a relationship where you feel like you guys can talk about things and you can change together. Most of the time relationships don’t work is because they grow separately. We are always changing and growing as humans.
So you want to be with someone that wants to grow with you, rather than grow separately or that grows backward. When you are with someone that is willing to grow, you can do a lot with them. You both are able to communicate, self-reflect, and willing to respect, care, and nurture each other needs. That is why it is important to have someone that is interested in growth and growing together. Your goals, interests, wants, and needs are always going to change so you want someone that grows with you on that.
Not only that but you want someone that will be patient with you. We as humans can’t just have things immediately. We are in a time right now where things are fast-paced and we are used to getting things quickly. But we need to have the patience for situations like let’s say you are not ready to take a certain step in your relationship and they’re being impatient, that will cause you stress and fear. It will cause you to do things you are not ready for. Also, we all have our own wounds and we need someone that will be patient that works with us rather than just passing someone off because they are not working at the pace we want. We can’t always do that, we need to be patient with one another.
Compromise, having that flexibility. We need to give and take in a relationship. Now when it comes to compromising, there are certain things you do not compromise. You do not compromise your boundaries, respect, your values, your morals. There are other things that you may need to compromise, picking, and choosing your battles. Each person has different ideas and everyone always wants to get what they want. Who doesn’t like getting what they want? But the reality is, You can’t always get what you want, two people can’t always get what they want especially being in a relationship.
You need to pick your battles so maybe this time you’ll be willing to compromise and allow your partner to have something they want and maybe the next time they will compromise something so you have what you want. So, for instance, things you may compromise are spending time together, movies, going out, spending time with friends, individual time things like that. You need to learn what are things that you can compromise. What are you willing to sacrifice or not sacrifice?
