When people hear of others being in abusive relationships they think “If I was in that situation I would just leave!” We may think it’s that easy but that isn’t how things work. Being mistreated over and over again does a number on us and our ability to think and feel for ourselves.
Being abused leaves us feeling manipulated, confused, overwhelmed and so broken. Even if we may want to leave it could take 7 or 8 times to actually be able to successfully leave. In an abusive relationship who you once were is slowly taken away as they mold you into the person they want you to be; someone who is dependent on them and is easily manipulated and controlled.
Aside from the fact that they may love this person, there is a lot of psychological factors that come into play of why people don’t just up and leave. Let’s take a look and see it through an abused persons perspective:
This is especially prevalent when it comes to emotional abuse. It can be sneaky and all you know is you just feel bad but aren’t too sure why. Something feels off but you may just blame yourself since you are conditioned to do that. All the gas lighting and belittling trains you to think you are crazy and your abuser is loving. You may start to feel this is normal and not abusive.
When you are being abused you are living in constant fear. You are scared of being alone or how others will act about the situation. There’s fears of making the situation worse or others not believing you. You don’t want to be alone and your abuser says you are crazy so maybe others will say that too. Fearful thoughts consume you and what if questions take over your mind.
Love bombing is a big manipulation technique and part of the cycle of abuse. It is overwhelming someone with admiration and attraction to manipulate you to stay with the abuser. This is where people get confused the most and it makes you question, are they really that bad? You may be showered with gifts or nice favors or being told sweet loving things.
They will tell you things about the future and all the nice things you always want to hear. Maybe go out of their way to do nice things for you. Yeah sure it may sound good but the way it is used is in a way to control and confuse you. These memories is what you go back to when you are dealing with the abusive stages. You go through love bombing or you remember these times and it keeps you stuck in the abuse.
There was once a time when things were not so rocky and hard. A lot of people stay in the relationship in hopes that it will change or go back to the way it once was in the beginning. You saw them be a certain way once before, maybe there is a chance they will be who they were in the beginning? Hope that the pain will go away and you can be happy once again.
Aside from control, a big part of abuse is the guilt and blame. You are told over and over things are your fault. They hurt you because you made them. Things are going bad? It is your fault. You feel responsible to take care of them. If something were to ever happen to them you would feel responsible. So to escape the feelings of guilt an blame you stay put.
With all their abusive techniques they are slowly grooming you. They know how to get you to react a certain way or feel a certain way or do a certain thing. One of the things they do is overtime they will put it in your head that you should not trust yourself or your judgment. They make you feel you should only trust them and their judgment, they are your Savior.
You may feel like you can’t be without your abuser or you are nothing without them. You don’t feel confident in yourself anymore and you are not completely sure if you are crazy or if something is actually wrong. They will repeatedly put you down and overtime you will do it too.
Not only are you told things aren’t that bad and that you are with a loving amazing person, you may yourself say it too. To cope with all the abuse you may say ” it only happened a couple times.” Or ” It’s not that bad, there is so much worse out there!” This is a way to mask the truth or down play it so you don’t have to face that you actually are being mistreated and abused.
The most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is when the person leaves or tries to leave. According to Domesticabuseshelter.org, Of the domestic violence homicides, about 75 % of people who leave or try to leave abusive relationships are murdered. That is why it’s important people who leave abusive relationships come up with a plan and do it safely.
Being in an abusive relationship means you loose your independence and potentially lack of your own money or income. So you may be dependent, broke and have no where else to go. Not only may you be stuck because of financial reasons but you could feel stuck from social reasons. Maybe you have to stay because of family or societal pressures.
As you can see leaving isn’t as easy as it sounds! There are so many different reasons why people don’t just up and leave. When your emotions and brain are being toyed with it feels almost impossible to leave. But it is possible and you are not a liar or crazy. We need to be less judge mental of people and their relationships and more willing to help or be there for them if we are up for the challenge. Being abused is so emotionally and physically draining. You feel crazy and alone. Just know you are not and help is out there. I believe you.
What do you guys think? Have you or someone you know dealt with abuse? Do you have other reasons you’d like to share? Leave it all in the comments below!
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