If you have a fear of being a narcissist, I have good news for you. You most likely are not a narcissist. You may be wondering ” How do you know?” I know this because narcissists are not afraid of being one, they don’t think it is a possibility. If you are fearing you are one, that shows you have the capability to self reflect which a narcissist can not. Also, it shows you don’t live in a delusional world and you are willing to fix it which a narcissist would not.
Fear of being a narcissist is very common especially if you are codependent, empath or you have been around a narcissist for a good chunk of your life.
There a couple of reasons you may fear it. One is because your family member, friend, partner, or partner has projected themselves onto you and convinced you, were this certain type of person when in reality they are that person. Now that causes you to believe you are that person which may cause you to act in that way or be afraid you will act that way. Another is that there are certain traits you had to take on to survive and to deal with the abuse that you are dealing with. You may also have a fear of being similar to your narcissist and hurting people or being unself aware.
When you are around someone long enough, you eventually start to take some of their traits, especially if you grow up in a narcissistic home, you are going to be similar to your parents in some regard. You can’t be 100% different than them, I mean they raised you. Being around them often will cause you to have some similar traits. You needed to take on those traits to survive. This also applies if you had a narcissistic partner, you may have taken on some of their traits to survive.
So you may have taken on some traits to protect yourself but that does not make you a narcissist. The core definition of a narcissist is someone that can not self reflect and can not think outside of themselves at all. They make things entirely about them. You can struggle with being manipulative or selfish and still not be a narcissist.
According to the DSM, you need 7 or more traits to be considered a narcissist. Even so, if you have the capability to self reflect, you can do things to heal that part of you.
Codependents and narcissists have similarities where they both dealt with abuse and can share similar traits, they just dealt with the abuse in different ways. Narcissists fill the void and get validation by manipulating and control others and codependents fill the void and get validation by taking care of others and people-pleasing.
Even so, sometimes they can have similar traits like being controlling, and sometimes as a codependent, you can be manipulative like you try to manipulate the way people see you because you have this perfect persona and you want people to see you in this certain way. Does that make you a terrible person? No, these are the traits you had to take on to survive.
For instance, let’s say you had a parent that manipulated you a lot, you then learned that the only way to have your needs met was to manipulate rather than ask. Or something else that happens is if you are criticized a lot, you will then form a big ego to protect yourself from all the damage, name calling, deflecting, and gaslighting. So you may have a hard time taking in criticism because of all you have dealt with.
So after dealing with all this abuse for so long as a codependent in your relationships, you have lost yourself or never really formed a sense of self. You may become someone you don’t recognize or know. When you lose yourself, you put up a protective barrier to protect yourself which is usually the ego, and then you may have similar traits to the narcissist.
If you see the dynamic between your parents where one is a narcissist and one is codependent, you may also wind up in that same dynamic. Especially if you are in a position where your partner is more passive, you may become more aggressive and controlling since that’s the dynamic you saw. If you are a codependent and you are with someone that allows you to enable them, you will evidently become controlling which then causes you to resent them, which then can cause you to react in abusive manners.
The good news is because you are able to look at yourself and self reflect and you are able to recognize narcissistic traits, that is exactly what you’re going to do. You are going to be educated and recognize these narcissistic traits and work on them. It is important during this time to be gentle with yourself. Let yourself know that it is okay that sometimes you have had these traits, it doesn’t make you a narcissist, it makes you a survivor.
The difference between a victim mentality and a survivor mentality is a victim stays a victim. They choose not to do anything with the garbage things they have had to deal with. A survivor acknowledges that they have been a victim and then they become a victor. They acknowledge they’re a survivor and then they move on with it.
That is exactly what you can do, acknowledge that you have some of those traits and it is okay. It is okay to make mistakes, you did the best you could with what you had. Now it is just about moving forward and learning from these traits. What you need to do is you need to recognize when you are showing these certain traits, whether you’re manipulating, yelling, being defensive, deflecting.
Whatever it is, recognize when doing it and then correct it. But make sure you correct it in a way where you are being gentle with yourself and say things like “I recognize I’m doing these things and that is okay. I’m going to stop doing these things” Then move forward. Rather than keep you in this place of being terrified of being a narcissist, use this to empower yourself so you can be better.
Also, something that can help you is by surrounding yourself around honest people that can call you out. It will give you comfort knowing you have people to back you up and support you and will help you not go down that path.
What do you guys think? Leave it all in the comments below!
