This blog was written on 7/14/2018 and Revised 6/6/19
Forgiveness is a very misunderstood thing. A lot of people when they’re hurt and angry think telling someone they’ll never forgive them hurts the other person when in fact its the opposite. Lack of forgiveness hurts yourself not the other person, they don’t have to feel that pain and anger, you do. Or maybe you’ll tell yourself you’ll never forgive yourself to punish yourself. Although you are right, you are punishing yourself but then you aren’t living the fulfilled life you once wished you had. You are deserving of a better life no matter what you have done.
People can mistake forgiveness for letting the other person off the hook. The misunderstanding of forgiveness then leads to an angrier, hardened, resentful prisoner, who can’t let go. Let’s look at the definition of forgive. According to Google, Forgive means “stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake.” It does not say anywhere in there forgiveness is to unpunish the other person. It says specifically stop feeling those bad feelings.
So why can’t we forgive? It can be because we don’t know how. Or because it can be easier to stay angry and be the victim. It is easier to hate ourselves then to work on self-forgiveness. It is hard to be the bigger person and work on letting go. When it comes to ourselves we may be feeling unworthy of forgiveness. We think self-punishment is the way to go. Or with someone else we want them to be punished forever. Maybe we were never taught forgiveness or never given mercy when we needed it. Forgiveness is letting go of one’s ego, stop being the victim and accepting that something bad happened and moving forward from it.
Forgiving someone doesn’t mean you have to have them in your life, that’s a choice. Forgiving someone means you no longer let that incident take over your life. Releasing them and the incident(s) from your everyday thoughts. Forgiveness does not mean you forget. It means the negative emotions from the situation don’t take over your life. Becoming a better more free person from it. It means learning from it, not doing it again, protecting yourself and knowing better for next time.
Forgiveness can be hard and a lot of people don’t know how to forgive. Lets first focus on how to forgive others with these four steps:
After you have calmed down, really sit and think. What happened? Why do you think it happened or why did that person say it happened? I know it can be hard to see from their perspective, but try to put yourself in their shoes. Was it out of ignorance? Are they mentally ill? Did they mean for it to happen or for you to get hurt? Can you see why they may have done it? Understanding things make it easier to relate and process it better.
Sometimes when people do things they never apologize and you don’t need an apology to forgive someone. Forgiveness is for yourself to move on, remember that. You don’t want to tell someone they have to apologize because then its inauthentic and you don’t know if they are actually sorry or just saying it so it will go away. Sometimes people aren’t sorry and can’t see what they did and that’s on them.
We all need to vent and that’s okay. But if you notice what happened is starting to take over the majority of your conversations, then you are giving power to them and what they did. Sometimes we talk about something over and over because we want validation or sympathy or we look for ways to make the pain stop. Give yourself the time to talk about it and leave it there with that person or your journal. Don’t let them take any more away from you.
Really sit down and think what you get out of forgiving. You can have a life where there’s less resentment and anger and bitterness. You can move forward with your life and decide if you want the person in your life. Forgiving someone leads to a happier healthier life where you can leave that hurt in the past. There’s less stress, anxiety, and even a stronger immune system according to science! I mean who could pass on the opportunity to not get sick? Sounds like there are a lot of benefits to forgiving! You don’t necessarily have to forget but you can take this experience as a learning one.
Imagine the person you want to forgive is in front of you or you are writing a letter to them. You could do this with a trusted person if that’s easier. This sounds silly and it will require your imagination. Let out everything that you feel, everything they did to you and how it affected you. Don’t hold back. If you are writing this, make sure to burn the letter after you let out all those negative emotions. After you let everything out, pretend you are them and have them respond to you how you wish they would have to your feelings. Then respond back “I forgive you.” By doing this you are able to imagine the situation how you need in order to forgive that person and the situation.
I feel like forgiving oneself is one of the hardest things because a lot of people are hard on themselves. They want to punish themselves for their mistakes. They think forgiveness will mean forgetting or letting themselves off the hook. Holding on to those feelings doesn’t unmake the situation happen. It already happened.
Do you understand what happened and how it affected others? Can you see why that other person is upset? How would you feel in that similar situation? Now accept that what you did already happened. You can’t take it back and you can’t make it go away. You did something and punishing yourself forever isn’t going to make it go away. It is time to accept the consequences of your actions/decisions. Accept that you made people unhappy or you did something to cause your own unhappiness.
You can only learn from it and move forward to ensure it doesn’t happen again. Understand the past is the past and you can take this time to start over. Being hard on yourself isn’t going to stop whatever happened. It just makes your life harder and unable to live the best life you can. This is the first step to help you to move on.
First things first, be specific about what you need forgiveness for. When we feel such disappointment in ourselves for something we’ve done we’ll start going down a trail of putting ourselves down. Pick the specific thing you did wrong. Next, understand why you did what you did. Similar to what I explained above when evaluating a situation. Why did you do that thing? And then ask for forgiveness.
Asking for forgiveness does not mean the person has to forgive you. Don’t only say sorry so the situation can go away. Own up to what you did, don’t make excuses or explain yourself. Get straight to the point, I did this and this and apologize. Owning up to what you did is the first step to earn forgiveness. If they don’t that’s okay you still can forgive yourself and if asking from a higher power helps then try that! You can even ask to see what you can do to make it up to them. Forgiveness isn’t only words, it is actions as well.
It is very possible they won’t forgive you and that is something you’ll have to accept because you can’t force someone to feel a certain way. This is another acceptance of your consequences. Even though it is helpful to have someone else’s forgiveness you don’t need their forgiveness to forgive yourself. It doesn’t matter what you have done. You are aware it is wrong now and you don’t want to be that person again.
You saw the consequences of your decisions and you hate it. Doesn’t this show, you already are deserving of forgiveness because you feel upset about what happened? Someone unworthy of forgiveness wouldn’t care. You didn’t know any better and even if you did, you weren’t aware of how it would affect you or others. Take this as a growing experience and a lesson learned. You are a better more knowledgeable person because of this experience and you can use it to teach yourself or even others.
Really sit down and think what you get out of forgiving. You can have a life where there’s less resentment and anger and bitterness. You can move forward with your life and decide if you want a better life, it is your choice. Forgiving yourself leads to a happier healthier life where you can leave that hurt in the past. There’s less stress, anxiety, and even a stronger immune system according to science! I mean who could pass on the opportunity to not get sick? Sounds like there are a lot of benefits to forgiving! You don’t necessarily have to forget but you can take this experience as a learning one.
Like Forgiving others, you are going to write a letter to yourself about how unhappy you are with yourself and the choices you made. Do it freely, all the things that come to mind no matter how bad it is. Let it all out. If you are better at talking then talk to the mirror. If you write, after you write it, burn it. Burning it is a crucial part because you are burning those negative emotions running through your head out. Then write a letter to yourself forgiving yourself or if you need someone else’s forgiveness, say what you wish they would say to you to forgive you. Say what you need to hear especially the words “I forgive you, ___(your name).”
“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”-Lewis B. Smedes
Forgiveness is such a hard topic especially if we don’t know how to forgive. We could choose to let the mistakes of others and ourselves run our lives and not get to see the benefits of being forgiven. Or we could choose to forgive, learn, be better and live a life without bitterness and resentment and pain. You are worth forgiveness.
Have something to add? leave it in the comments below! Do you have any tips about forgiveness? Is there a story you’d like to share? Let us know!
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