How To Set Healthy Boundaries

Personal boundaries are basically safety fences we put up to protect ourselves from unhealthy interactions that make us uncomfortable. If you were not taught healthy boundaries as a child you will not have healthy ones for yourself and possibly overstep others’ boundaries.

If you struggle with putting up boundaries it also may be because you are unsure of who you are, you don’t think you have a right to, you are scared of jeopardizing your relationship with that person or you always put others’ feelings and needs above your own.

What Are The Types Of Boundaries?

There are different types of boundaries. You can set:

Physical boundaries– where you let a person know your personal space, privacy or if they can touch you.

Examples for when it’s useful: not wanting to be tickled or touched in a certain way. How far you want to go physically with someone. Not wanting someone to read your diary or how close they can get to you.

Emotional boundaries -where you distinguish the responsibility of someone else’s emotions from your own. This is a boundary for your feelings. So if someone keeps involving you in something that puts you in a bad place you can draw the line.

Examples for when it’s useful: an ex-girlfriend or boyfriend talks to you about their current relationship or a parent talks to you about their marital problems or someone manipulates you or tries to make you feel guilty.

Material boundaries– Where you determine what you want to lend out or let people borrow.

Examples for when it is useful: your car, money, house, clothes, belongings.

Mental boundaries– Where you draw a line for your mental health and if you struggle with your beliefs and opinions. This is for your thoughts, values, and opinions.

Examples for when it’s useful: when someone belittles your thoughts or opinions. If you get very emotional, argumentative or defensive discussing others opinions.

Now that we have gone through different types of boundaries how exactly do you put them into place?

1)Notice When Reinforce Bad Behavior

We are the ones who enforce how others should treat us. If you have a family member that screams at you when you don’t give in to their demands and that then causes you to you give in every time, that reinforces that bad behavior. They know in order to get you to do what they want, they know they can scream at you and you will give in. If you notice yourself doing this pause, take a breath and do not give in.

Abusive adults are like little kids in big bodies stuck in the age of their abuse. Would you give a child a toy when they are misbehaving? It’s similar where we have to make sure we are not reinforcing those bad behaviors which can make them think it’s okay to treat us a certain way or talk to us in a certain manner.

2) Recognize Have Right To Walk Away

You can’t reason with the unreasonable. Sometimes the best choice is to walk away. If someone is not respecting what you need or what you are asking of them then you can walk away. If someone isn’t respecting that you don’t want to be touched or that you don’t want to talk or do a certain thing you can always walk away. You never have to sit there and take it. If you are feeling triggered in any way, excuse yourself. Just remember that you do have a choice and you can always walk away.

3) Understand You Can Say No

It is nearly impossible to please everyone and say yes to everyone all the time. Someone will suffer because of it and it most likely will be you that suffers. I know we grew up in a society where we feel pressured to say yes. But it is perfectly okay to say no. Say no when it will jeopardize you and your health. You don’t have to help someone else with money if it’s going to put you in debt. Don’t be that listening ear if it sacrifices your mental sanity and triggers you to go into a bad place. Say no about giving out your time if you don’t have it. Understand you can say no to anyone or anything that makes you uncomfortable.

4)  Recognize Unhealthy Relationships

If you have a relationship with someone where it is one-sided or you feel like something is wrong but can’t put your finger on it trust your instinct. Watch out for the signs of an unhealthy relationship. Are they manipulative? Do they make you feel bad about yourself, guilty or try to control you? Do you feel like you always have to do what they ask or else there’s a consequence? Are they disrespectful towards you? Really sit down and examine your relationship and don’t make excuses for them. Don’t brush off those red flags. If you feel bad in any way being around someone it’s time to either put up those boundaries or terminate that relationship.

5) Stick With It

The most important thing you do is to stick by what you say. If you don’t want someone to talk about something with you, don’t let them disrespect your boundaries. It is important you care for yourself and don’t back down. You are allowed to have feelings and are allowed to not want certain things or to do certain things. Your mental health is important. Our perception and our mental health is our world and if we don’t take care of our world then we will have a destructive one. So make sure when you set boundaries or you say things, you stick by it. Because if you don’t you’ll be back where you started, and in an unhealthy place and feeling like you are being walked all over.

” Setting boundaries is a way for caring for myself. It dosen’t make me mean, selfish or uncaring just because I dont do things your way. I care about me, too.” – Christine Morgan

Setting boundaries are important because it helps us take care of our mental, physical and emotional needs. Boundaries are a good start to help when dealing with unhealthy relationships. Boundaries aren’t used to punish others or for some sort of sense of control. Rather they are for us to care less about how we look and more about being a happier healthier you.

What do you think? Do you have any tips for setting healthy boundaries? Have anything to share? Leave it all in the comments below!