Emotional Abuse

Emotional abuse is something that could happen to you and you might not have a clue. You may feel depressed, anger, anxiety, fear and maybe not understand why.

Emotional abuse is such a tricky thing to detect and there needs to be more awareness surrounding it. It does not leave a physical mark like physical abuse does which makes it harder to see. One of the major reasons it’s hard to detect is because the abuser blames the victim.

Not only is it hard to point out, but victims are often left confused because they’re gaslighted, manipulated, and made to feel guilty. That makes them feel helpless and confused and start to blame themselves.

What Is A Typical Abuser Like?

The main focus of most abusers is to control and dominate you. They may be loving and fun one minute and angry and hostile the next. You may feel like you are being pushed and pulled. One day something may be okay and the next will result in extreme punishment. They will make you feel like you have to “walk on eggshells” around them.

They could have personality disorders such as narcissism, schizophrenia, bipolar, borderline personality disorder, or antisocial personality disorder. In public, they may try to keep their secret identity by being the caring loving supportive person. But behind closed doors, it’s a completely different story. They are known as the wolf in sheep’s clothing. Using passive aggressive behavior is covert hostility.

So What Is Emotional Abuse?

Emotional abuse is when an abuser is controlling, manipulative and punishing. They use these tactics to get you to do what they want and act how they want. They do this by controlling where you go, who you talk to and even what you think abuse is. Spying, stalking, invading space like personal space and going through your belongings is a way they invade your boundaries. Making you feel like you don’t have any.

Verbal abuse is most common but it’s used in subtle ways. It may be said in a loving quiet voice or indirect like a dig or a joke. The joke may be used as sarcasm or teasing and when you get offended they’ll tell you they were ” only joking” or ” don’t be so sensitive.” Jokes are a way for them to enforce criticism more often but also as a way to take the blame off themselves to justify their comments. Other forms of subtle verbal abuse are

• Threats– Such as “If you don’t say I love you I will smash your phone.” Threats are a way for them to get you to do what they want by forcing a negative outcome if you don’t oblige.
• Judging– No matter what you do or you say you feel judged. They judge you from what you look like to the choices you make.
• Criticizing– Make you feel like you are never good enough and just feel downright awful about yourself. They’ll always disapprove you and remind you of your faults. They may set the bar high for you to reach and you’ll reach it but they’ll still criticize you. ” you can’t do anything right, can you?”
• Yelling– Yelling isn’t always abusive but it is when it’s constant. There is a time for yelling when things get heated and then there is an abusers way of yelling which is for things that aren’t warranted that type of reaction.
• Lying– They’ll lie about silly things like maybe what time it is or where they’re going. Just random lying. It’s a way to make them feel superior to you.
• Accuse and Blaming– Anyway that they don’t have to be responsible for anything and can cast blame on you they’ll do it. They are almost never at fault. “You caused me to yell at you.” They’ll accuse you of things that they think you did that they made up.
• Name calling– Any and all types of name calling and cursing at you.
• Raging– Going into violent anger attacks. Taking frustrations out from their life out onto you inappropriately and in extreme ways. The littlest thing could set them off like there’s a spoon in the sink and they wanted it to be spotless. That results in them screaming and yelling and insulting you.

Less subtle ways of emotional abuse

Opposing– Anyway they can argue, challenge perceptions, opinions, and thoughts they’ll do it. They will say no to everything.

Talk down to you– their favorite tone of voice to you may be one of condescending. They’ll talk to you like you are a dog or a piece of garbage.

Discounting and belittling– minimize or trivializes feelings thoughts or experiences. Completely disregard your opinions and make you feel like you aren’t allowed to have one. It’s a way of saying your feelings don’t matter or they are wrong.

Turn others against you– abusers like to get people to agree with them to make you seem more in the wrong and for validation. While they do this, they may try to encourage others to tease you with them or get them to talk badly about you in front of you and behind your back.

Isolation– they will isolate you from family, friends or peers. Tell you who you can or can not talk to. With child abuse, the parent may not allow the child to have friends they don’t tell them they can, encourage the child to stay away from activities or regular events children do. This helps them keep their victim under their control and make them more dependent on them.

Undermining and interrupting– this is meant to undermine your self-esteem and confidence. They may say things such as “ you don’t know what you’re talking about.” Abusers will also finish your sentences or speak on your behalf without asking.

Guilt-  Abusers will try to inflict guilt on you in many different ways. Although, Guilt is healthy in certain situations it is not healthy when used in an abusive way. Abusers use it to make you feel bad in situations that you did nothing wrong. They just felt you were wrong so, in turn, they inflict negative feelings of wrongdoing.

Rejection– may punish you by withholding love and affection or by ignoring you.

Manipulation– manipulation is the ultimate form of abuse next to control. It is so subtle it’s really hard to recognize. They may do hurtful things but then tell you it’s cause they love you. Manipulating you by taking what you want and need and using it to their advantage so they can control you. The manipulation can get so bad and start to affect the way you perceive yourself and things around you.

Denial– it isn’t often they will admit things they do. They deny, deny, deny. They will deny things they said or did. Deny promises or conversations that took place.

Gaslight– This term comes from a movie called “Gaslight” where a husband used denial and slowly manipulated his wife into thinking she was crazy. Abusers will do something or say something and when the victim brings it up the abuser will deny it ever happened. It causes you overtime to doubt your own memory, and perceptions. It eventually leads you to feel like you’re going crazy.

Infantilize– treating a child or person much younger than they actually are. Tell them how to dress, what to do, do things for them. Completely take away any self-confidence or ability to do things themselves. Not allow them to do things most children their age do.

Diverting conversations– used to get away from conversations. They will do things like switch topics, accuse you or use words that basically mean stop talking.

These forms of abuse are not only harder to recognize but when experienced over time have an insidious, damaging effect because victims start to doubt and distrust self.

Cycle Of Abuse

Sources: commons.wikimedia.org

Hearing all that, I’m sure most people would say why don’t they just leave? Get away from the abuser? Because abusers aren’t always showing abuse. There’s usually a continuous cycle. They can’t keep their victims around if they always were abusive.

1. It first starts off with tensions building. The abuser will start to lose patience easier, snap at little things. As a result, You will start to feel yourself become fearful or prepare for the storm.
2.  Next, the incident occurs. Abuse talked about above will happen.
3. After, reconciliation occurs. They may apologize to you or act as if it didn’t even happen. Maybe even making it seem like it will never happen again. You may ask your questions like “maybe they aren’t so bad? Maybe I’m making it up in my head?” You’ll start to repeat things to yourself they had said to you. “ They do this because they love me.” You may begin to blame yourself.
4.  Last is it becomes calm. No abuse happens during this phase. The incident is “forgotten” and they may shower you with presents or attention etc.

The cycle then continues until you stop it or the abuser gets help or leaves or the worst case scenario someone winds up killed.

Emotional Abuse In Your Life

Abuse literally means to misuse or to have a bad effect or use for a bad purpose. If some of these things happen a couple times it does not mean it’s abuse. It’s when it happens over and over is when it’s defined as abuse. Some people will read this and think they are abusive because of one or two incidents. It is not abusive unless it is done consistently.

On the other hand, If you feel someone in your life is doing any of these things to you don’t belittle it. They are abusing you and you are not crazy like they may try to make you feel. Please reach out for help, tell someone you trust. Go to therapy. You are not alone.

Some of the terms here I found from Psychology Today

Emotional abuse is something important to me that people become educated about because I grew up in a household filled with secret emotional abuse. I will share my experiences in future posts.

Don’t hesitate to share down below your personal experiences or questions about emotional abuse! Have you experienced it or seen someone you know go through it?